This Is It.... an Epiphany.

Take a look around you right now.  What do you see?  For me, it's my mostly decorated living room, if I am honest a little bit of a mess.  If I look deeper into my life I see the beginning of a few things: friendships, this house, other things.  I see the deepening of a few things: my business, my faith, other things.  I see the completion of a few things: my grief process, the love of my husband, a few friendships, other things.

What else do you see?  Do you see your gifts?  Do you see the desires you have for your life?  Do you see the people around you who are hurting?  Do you see an opportunity?  What is it that is stopping you from acting on the things you see?

Guess what, kids?  This is it.  This is your life.  This life is your ministry.  This is how God wants to use you - He wants to use you right here and now; He wants to be seen in your life right now.

I noticed the other day when I re-read what I had written about wondering how God wanted to use me (in that whiny post a few days ago about being single) that it occurred to me that He is using me.  He's using me right now.

My friend Jennifer said to me the other day, "You're impatient because you want things the way you envision them. Relax and know that things are happening the way God envisions them."  Control freaks unite, but my friends, THIS is really crazy good advice.

I don't know what tomorrow brings.  Well, I know some of the things that tomorrow brings.  It's cold here and I have market in a rather cold building for 6 hours and then I am singing in a Christmas cantata.  Tomorrow will bring laughter with the coffee guy who has the booth next to mine.  It will bring friends and people I care about deeply to my booth for hugs and encouragement and advice... which will go both ways.  Tomorrow will bring an opportunity for me to spend more than a few moments in prayer and worship.  Tomorrow brings time to write, time to relax, probably a hot bath.

What I don't know about tomorrow is exactly how God will use me.  I won't know even in the moment how the words that I use might impact the people I meet and speak to, or the people who will overhear them.  My job, my ministry will be to be open to God using me, willing to be used, and submissive to the urging of the Holy Spirit to say what I might be directed to say or act how I am directed to act.  I probably won't know how things will work out.  Because so often the ministry of our lives isn't something we see the affect of in others.

So again, this is it.  THIS.  Right here?  This is your life.  If you want God to use you and to have a ministry?  You have one.  That's your life.  That desire comes from Him.  Get to know Him.  Establish and maintain a daily, intimate, humble relationship with Him.  I am going to give you a huge piece of advise here too: Pray that God purge you of the crap in your life that you are hiding.  Stop the sin that is in your life and seek to live a blameless life.  Be honest with yourself about who you are, be open and vulnerable to God and to the people who are around you (I recommend finding an accountability partner who you both trust and is trustworthy).  Life is complicated, but be as vulnerable and open as you can be with people in your life.  Be gentle with the people you meet because I guarantee they are going through stuff.  Care about people with everything you have available to you.  This is your ministry.

I have been reading a few books about faith, and in one, "Jesus Manifest" the authors talk about Jesus' ministry (which as Christians we are to emulate).  Jesus went about his day and he kinda just hung out.  He chatted with people.  He said things that had impact because he had constant contact and relationship with Father God and he cared about people.  He spoke life to people.  He loved on them in friendship.  He didn't condemn them.  He showed them that there was forgiveness and a pathway out of the hurt and pain and destruction of their lives. He showed them that there was opportunity for more and for relationship with God through his sacrifice.

So, let your life be a ministry.  Your life is your ministry.  Seek relationship with Jesus, depth of relationship with God.  Be blessed and be a blessing my dear friends.

Grief (part eleventy) and moving on and loneliness.

I'm doing ok, and then I'm not.

It is so hard, so unbelievably hard to miss someone like this.  I miss someone who got me in a way that so very few do, and I can't do anything at all to fix it.

I know that today's tears are connected to a few things:  My mom called today and we talked about him.  I'm at that point in my hormonal cycle where a low day is typical.  I didn't get accomplished what I wanted to do today.  A new man with whom I'd started conversing showed that his character wasn't worthy of me.  I found a photo that had been stuck in a book.  I could go on... but it's circumstantial.

I am impatient.  I am impatient with myself and I am impatient with God.  I'm very productive, huh?  I know that this is all a timing issue.  I've proven very little and it's just barely been six months back into the depth of faith - I am still rocky soil being churned... and the churn has slowed because the big surface rocks have been picked and tossed into the pile of forgiveness, and yet I am not quite fertile soil.  I don't know how long that takes, how many tests and trials nor how much digging and watering needs to happen before I am, but there we go.

Sigh.

I pray for my relationship with God to be enough for me.  I pray that He show me, work on ME to see Him and how much He loves me.  The issue is me.  I don't know if it's a good thing that it's a daily request or not...  But I am desperate for Him.

I like that I know who I am, I like that I actually like me.  God has blessed me with a lot of great stuff, and as it says, to whom much is given, much is required.  I'm wanting so much to be ready for whatever that is, whatever His plan is for my life.  I really want God to be enough, and yet I desire intimacy with another human being - with a man - which may not ever be fulfilled again.

It's a struggle that I am trying to be honest about because I know that I am not alone.  I WANT God to be enough.  I do.  But I am honest about the other aspects too.  I am a human woman.  I mean, in Genesis God says that it's not good that man be alone so he creates woman for him and makes her out of his side so they will cling together.  I want to cling to God, but I want to cling with someone to God.  My fear is that I've had mine and he went away.  My fear is that I will be single forever.

I know I am not the only single woman who has had that fear.  When I was single, before those nearly 15 years of marriage, I feared that I would never marry.  I find that fear is back and I think about this... is that my thorn in my side?  What if I not only shouldn't have been married, but that I never was to be married - and will never be married again.  I've been told that it's not something that I should think about, let alone worry about.  I'm told that if God has someone for me, He'll bring that man to me.

And when that's said I want to shout, "I KNOW!!"  and "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU ARE MARRIED."  It's a cold comfort to know that God has this in His plan - whatever it is... because I hurt now.  Because I am lonely now.  Because life is hard now.  I ache now.  I want things now.  ME!  Heh, I am a toddler.  I know it.

But, I am honest about it.  I am honest when I say that I am seeking God for change in my heart.  I am honest, and open, and vulnerable because this point of raw human is where I find that God reaches me, where I can accept where He has me now.  Being vulnerable isn't always pleasant, but I don't know how to be anything other than this.

So, single woman?  I get it.  You pray for me, I'll pray for you.  I'll pray that God have a spectacular man for you, who is worthy of you and partnering with you in marriage.  I hope you will pray that for me too... but above all else, let's pray for each other that God's will be done in our lives, marriage or not.  And let's pray for each other that we are fulfilled in our relationship with Jesus first, foremost and solidly.

Amen.

Thanksgiving

Oh, dear friends.  What a merciful God we have.

I pursue most things in my life doggedly until I have a depth of understanding or a grasp on the thing so that then I might then relax in the depth of knowledge attained.  My relationship with God has been no different - I've been pursuing personal purity and wholeness and holiness like it has been my job.

I've wanted to fall in love with Jesus in a way I'd heard other people talk about, the depth of which I'd not ever achieved in my personal relationship with Him.  That's been my prayer of late: Teach me to fall in love with you.  And it is about time spent and listening to the object of affection and allowing Him to influence my life in the way that I would let a friend do.

Today is Thanksgiving Day.  I awoke today to a plan change and in prayer for the reason for my plan change.  Then I spent the morning doing a bit of work after reading some in my Bible and praying for a few friends in difficult situations.  I spoke to my mom, sisters, nieces, nephews and my brother-in-law - all of whom I love very much but am unlikely to see for a year.  Then I went to a new acquaintance's house for Thanksgiving dinner and, as we do on Thanksgiving ate too much.  Upon arriving home, I started to ache in loneliness.  I miss having a 'someone' to share my days and nights, my triumphs and trials, my sorrows and joys with and a someone is not in the immediate offing.

It would be easy to have fallen into a pity party.  I've done it so often in the last 19 months, the woe of woe is me, the sitting in my sack cloth and ashes.  Instead, I cried out to God.  I was honest with where I was.  I was open and vulnerable and ached and blubbered and asked for him to fill me. Please fill me with some kind of hope.  And do you know what?  He did.  I wish I could describe with any kind  words that might make sense to the type of experience it was.

Afterwards, I picked up my guitar and bawled through worship songs, my tender heart soft in praise.  I am so thankful that when I reach out to Jesus, I am met.  It's not been an easy road and it's not always been pleasant, but I am at a place where I feel confident that when I need Him (every day, every moment) that I am met.  It's not that I am so special, but I am doggedly pursuing a deeper and deeper relationship with Jesus.  I don't ever want anything or anyone to come before that relationship.

The point of the post, friends, is that if you want it, you can have this too.  I don't know if your relationship with Jesus will look like mine, I've known other people who've had relationships different than mine but no less deep - we each as individuals have different needs - but I know if you seek Him, He will be found by you.  And today, I am so very thankful that it is so true.

Inside Out.

God, Bless Joan.

I showed up to worship practice last week with nothing.  And when I say nothing, I mean it. I had come to the end of my everything.  I had absolutely nothing to give - to myself even.  The thing I'd been hiding was unable to be hidden any longer and the truth of it all came tumbling out into her arms.  I confessed.  I was turned inside out.

I don't know if you've ever had an accountability person, but I was gifted one last week.  And thank GOD that I was, because I needed one.  She didn't let me play it off.  She didn't let me obscure it.  She pushed at me to be honest and open and accountable and I was.

I've a road ahead of me, it's not going to be especially easy, but it's full of Grace.  Because like everyone else, I struggle with sin.  Because it's really not germane to the conversation, I won't reveal the specifics of it here, but we all struggle with sin, don't we?  Or, am I alone in being the sole broken follower of Jesus?  Somehow, I don't think I am.  I guess we can all look at our lives and acknowledge that there is sin there that we might not be able to examine and confess, but when we are able to and when we do, I hope it is met with peace and grace as I was.  A lot of the time when we look at the opportunity to confess, to bare our souls it is terrifying (I know it was for me).  What I am surprised to find out is that it's terrifically freeing.  Plus?  Biblical:

James 5: 16, 19-20
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whomever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

Confession and accountability are important.  God wants to work in us, and through us.

It's now just been a week since my confession.  Though I still struggle with some of the emotional consequences of my sin (and the confession) I have been flooded with peace.  Just today I feel like I've walked through a door from shame and embarrassment to a place where I can see the purpose of releasing this thing I've been holding onto.  God has been meeting me in my daily study, there have been words of encouragement and support.  There's been hope for my future.

I don't know what it is that God is calling me to fully yet, but I feel like the last vestiges that were holding me back from finding out are gone.  It's been awhile since I've felt settled, but I feel settled and on the verge of being stirred up again for the next adventure in following Jesus.

I hope you enjoy the same freedom and the same adventure.

And up until now in this blog, I've not offered this which has been remiss on my part.  If you have not found salvation through Jesus, may I offer to you the opportunity to know Him?  It's as simple as accepting a gift, as honest as saying "I've failed.  I need you, Jesus.  I need the salvation you've paid for by your death and resurrection.  Please fill me up."

By the way, if you are praying that for the first time or again and want to talk with someone?  Find me.  I check the comments here.  I'd love to talk with you, one sinner saved by Grace to another.

Speak to me.

I've never really been good at studying the Bible on my own.  I don't know if I am too literal, or if the writing style is just dry to me or what, but I have always sat in awe of those who read a verse and get something profound and deep and applicable to their lives or situations. 

I've always been the follower who gets SO MUCH out of a sermon.  I love it when friends show me a scripture reference that they have had some insights into which touched them.  It touches me too.  Here's the thing though, I want to get my own insights.  I want God to touch me too through his word, I want to hear something direct.

This week, I've been really seeking how to fall in love with Jesus.  I don't know how to express it, but I want a deeper relationship, and the default in my relationship isn't with Jesus, it's with me... so how do you fall in love?  Yeah, I don't know either.  Except I think it's intentional spending time with someone and seeing and appreciating who they are.

So, I've been intentional and reading the Bible, praying, worshiping.  Still, the Bible has been dry and *sigh* didn't speak to me much.  I've used Bible studies - books written by other people who have gotten some insight in a topic or another.  Don't get me wrong, I get stuff and I am blessed by the words on paper, but I want MY OWN.  (I'm so selfish)  And because I do, I keep trying.

So this morning, I wake up.  I stretch.  I reach over to grab my Bible and last night I'd decided I'd start with the book of Luke, wherein my pastor had taken a reference on Sunday and I liked it so... I thought I would start there.  Chapter 1, le sigh.  Chapter 2, nada.  Pbbbbt.

Urgh.

Why can't *I* have some deep insight into SOMETHING, God.  Why can't you speak to ME too?  Why I can't get something for me out of your Word.  Please speak to me here?  I just want to know what you want to say to me.  I want to fall in love with you like I see other people fall in love with you.  Please speak to me.

And no kidding, I wrote the above in my journal and my eyes alight on Jeremiah 3:33 that was also referenced in Sunday's sermon.  I remember that it's a verse that I wanted to look at again.  So I go to turn there and read.

Except I don't really turn there.  I turn to Jeremiah 33.  And I start reading.  And I start crying.  And I am touched... by words that are the words *I* need. 

I don't mean this to sound trite, but it's going to... sometimes the answer comes when you don't expect it to come.  I do know that God meets our needs, he meets my needs... and I believe he'll meet your needs.  Take time to ask.  Take time to listen.... especially the listen part. 

And Then Comes Peace...

Today, peace arrived.  It came on the heels of another bout of tears, which came on the heels of some difficult news and boundary setting.

Peace arrived while on my knees, and with the clarity of the familiar.  The blade of Truth cut through the crap I've let build around my heart in expectation and demand.  The fresh air of it both refreshing and intimidating.  Another piece of the puzzle was being delivered and placed which changed and enhanced the picture of what is being created in me.

A breakthrough, a plan, a call came today.  I am full of relief and peace.

I am putting this here as a placeholder for when I forget.  My personal journal contains the details for myself, this post is intended for a reference point for when my heart is weary and my way gets obscured. 

This post is intended to give hope. 

I know that there are others of you who are struggling with a few different things right now.  I want you to be encouraged that though we struggle there is peace.  I want you to be encouraged with me. 

This life with Jesus that we have accepted, this walk that we choose is never going to be easy.  Every day it's going to be hard, and every day we will to some extent fail.  This is the blessing of forgiveness.  If anyone tells you that this is easy, they are lying to you.  Yes, his burden is light - yet it's still a burden... and there is peace.  There is joy in the journey.  There is hope in Jesus.  There is love abundant.  There is need of patience - both with ourselves, with God, with others.  There are opportunities to be kind.  God is gentle with us.  In our walk we learn self-control, because we rely on God's boundaries. 

Thank you for being patient with me in my struggle.  Thank you for reading here and for sharing with me what you are struggling with, so that we can encourage each other in Jesus.

Broken

I am broken.  I am a mess.  I am lost and desperate.  It's kind-of a good place.

I'm struggling to find a way to explain this to my non-Churchy friends... but this place of brokenness brings me a desperation to have a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I know that there is an answer to my heartache and desperation that is contained in my relationship with God.  I know what there is a plan, answers, and comfort contained in that relationship - I've experienced it before, over and over again.

Again I am here, on my knees; desperate and searching for the comfort that only a deeper relationship with Jesus can provide.  I read what I write and I realize how difficult a concept this is and the closest I can compare it to is falling in love with someone.  How as you go deeper into your relationship with the person you are craving just knowing them better comforts you, excites you, energizes you, softens you... and you find you want to expose your vulnerabilities in the trustworthy person.  You want them to see all of your flaws and defects, your lack and failures to see if they can handle who you see yourself as in your lowest and basest form.  If you are exceptionally blessed, that person sees you as a beautiful creation anyway... they love you even more because of your flaws.  THAT, my friends, is what a real relationship with Jesus is, in my experience.

Is it any wonder I am desperate for more depth and more intimacy?

There have been a few things that have really touched me in the last few days as true and like Edmund in "The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader" when Aslan cuts the dragon's body off of him, have cut my heart so deeply and have been peeling layer, after layer, after layer off of me - things that are holding me back from depth of intimacy. 

I wrote the above a few days ago.  I've been talking to my friend J, my friend G, my MIL, and my sister and asking them to pray for me.  I've been seeking God, again, more.  I want depth and intimacy.

IF YOU KNOW GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU... don’t be surprised if you are put through fires that expose weaknesses in your character. This is God’s mercy at work in your life. If He placed you in a powerful position without first removing the dross from your life, that defect would show up later and cripple your work or ministry. Thank God for the fiery experiences that cause you to see the character defects in your life so they can be dealt with and removed! -- RICK RENNER (copied from his FaceBook status)

So, there is stuff that is happening in me, the refining process is working and it's (to be honest) insanely painful and yet peaceful.   I wish I could express all of it in a way that makes any sort of sense, but I can't yet.  I'm sure I'll edit it later.

Choosing My Solace

I'll be honest.  I've been going through some stuff the last few weeks.  I've been going through some stuff and I have been struggling.  I'll admit that instead of having trust that God will meet my needs, I've been letting my feelings about my circumstances dictate my moods, which isn't all that a) healthy,  b) productive,  c) fun.  I don't really want to spend time with myself and I don't blame anyone else who feels the same.

If you ask me why I'm confessing it here, well, I guess I am because maybe someone can identify with me, or maybe you have some advice, or maybe you want to pray for me - all are welcome.

I'm doing everything I know how to do to improve my mood and attitude.  I'm being intentional, I'm keeping myself busy, I'm praying and doing a lot of bible study.  I'm reaching out to others when I feel like I shouldn't be alone.  I also know that I've just been going through a lot of transition and I am trying to be gracious with myself. On top of that, and maybe the most important part?  I've been seeking God to refine me - to take the parts of me that aren't pleasing and to burn them off.  It's been a pretty steady and smoky fire here.

I've heard other Christians call this refining 'the dark night of the soul', or 'going through the valley' and I know that I have been here before.  It doesn't suck any less though, and I've been working on how to focus on the "God is answering my prayer and changing me" aspect of this. 

True to most things God related in my life?  When I let go, the answers finally come.  This morning while doing some procurement I was listening to the local Christian radio station.  A woman there was talking about how God uses difficulty in our lives to shake us so that which we are relying on that is not Him is shaken away.  I don't really know why, but the thought gives me comfort.

If I look at the stuff that is happening in my world as God shaking loose the stuff I am relying on that isn't Him and see what it is I am clinging to, I feel comforted.  Why?  Because all I want to do most of the time is pray and seek God.  My prayer most of the time is: "If this isn't you, take it.  All I want is you."  The other part of the time my prayer is: "Comfort and protect me, Lord - and USE me." 

I understand how ridiculous I sound.  I'm simply a messy, messy human being who is seeking God to work in her life and for God to work through her life.  I want that more than I want anything else.  So, if the rest of it is shaken free?  So be it.  God will meet my needs.  Perhaps my faith isn't just this struggling thing I think it is - perhaps like Job's faith it's just being tested and refined. 

I am clinging to my God, my comfort and solace.  I know who God is and I trust that He will act according to who He says He is.

The Struggle For Release...

It's supposed to be hard.  If it weren't hard, everyone would do it.  It's the hard that makes it great. - Jimmy Duggan, A League of Their Own

I went to a therapist this week, after unburdening myself she said, "It sounds like you are in the middle of a birthing process."  I agree.

I am in the midst of transition - that part of the birthing process where (I'm told) you don't want to do this anymore, but you really, really don't have a choice.  Thankfully, I understand that this comes at the end of the birthing process.... which then means you have a tiny infant who is wholy dependent on you to care for, and that's another whole ball of wax... but I digress - and will write about that later I am absolutely sure of it.

This is hard.  I'm not sure why it's so hard, but it is.  Is it because I am struggling to let go of understanding how things work out?  I think I've mentioned in past posts that if I understood the plan fully, I would want to control the why and the how - and it's something that I really do need to let go to God's plan and way of working it out.

So, why does the thought of this bring me peace?  I don't know.  I absolutely want to rest in my relationship with God.

I wrote the above this morning.  It is now nearly bedtime and I think that while it was a good spot, I needed to get to the place I am now - and I am going to need to be remind of this again and again because it's where I want to live.

Over and over God talks about taking care of us, that His grace is sufficient, that His mercy is new every morning.  That He takes care of birds, He clothes the lilies of the field - and how much more will He take care of us, His children.  What if my answer to God was, "Yes, and amen."?  What if I could live in this place of thankfulness? 

There is a place of peace, there is a place of grace where I want to live.  God wants us there too, in this place.  This place of release, the place of yes.

What if...

What if God called you to ministry?  What if you had a promise of God working in you and through you to bring about change in your community, change in the lives around you, that He wanted to use you to draw people to Him?  What if you were who God wanted to use?

What if within that amazing calling, God called you to give it all up? 

What if your calling meant that you had to give away everything that was important to you? 

What if that meant that you gave up hope of having a relationship ever or again? 

What if it meant that you lived in poverty, that your income was earmarked to help others? 

What if you had to let go of your idea of safety?

What if you never had sex again, were never intimate with another person again?

Would you do it?  If you knew that's what was being asked of you, would you do it?

It's where I am right now.  It's where I am right now and I am desperately afraid... and yet, I am not.

When I was called to ministry, my mom was there and witnessed it.  She said she cried for me because she knew it was going to be a hard life.  I was six.  Then, somewhere in my 20s, as much as my life was full of grace and mercy and ministry - everyone around me was marrying and oh, I was so desperately lonely... and I found an acceptable man and married him.  I don't think that was God's plan for me, but He will work within the boundaries we set.

Now I am free again to follow wholeheartedly and I am choosing to again accept that call, I both feel and fear that I am being asked to give it all  up.  All of it.  All of my expectations, all of my resources, all of my... everything.  It might mean that I never get any of those things.  It might mean, like Abraham and his son, that I am being tested.  I don't know.

But, I guess it doesn't matter.  It's where I am and I am inclined to say yes. 

Lord, yes, please take it all.  Yes, I entrust you with my whole life.  Yes, I want to be your woman for the job, whatever the job. 

Yes, I am afraid that I won't be fulfilled, but I know God's character and I know He will take care of me.  Yes, I want Him to work in me, through me.  Yes, sanctify me, burn off the chaff, refine me.

To all of it, no matter how hard it is, I chose to say yes. 

Remind me of this when I am disheartened, and lonely, and afraid.  Remind me that I chose to say yes.  Remind me of who You are so that my answer is always: Yes.

Hope Into Faith

Faith.  I don't know if I have any.

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." in the New King James Version.  In the NIV, it is translated as: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Faith isn't the hoping part... it's the substance of the things, the confidence in the things in which we hope or the things for which we hope.  Right now, I don't have a lot of substance for the things I hope for in my life.  How's that for honest.

I want more out of life than I have options for right now.  For the first time in 18 months, I want a partner again.  For the first time in 16 years, I want someone other than David.  For the first time in I can't remember how long, I want God to be the picker of that man.  I want to find out the kind of man that God would pick for me.

When I was last here, when I last wanted God to be the picker of my husband, I think I was 20.  I had fallen for a man who I met through a ministry that I was working with as a staff member.  I was disappointed deeply.  Then, I suppose that in that disappointment I took the reigns.  Man, I really sucked at that in retrospect.  (Don't we, when we decide to take the reigns?)

There were a few of other men I cared about deeply in the seven years between my taking the reigns and my marriage.  I am now in my mid-40s and I am ready to see what it is that God has for me... WHO God has for me - and who I am here for.  Isn't that a change of perspective?  Who am I created to complete?

Truthfully, again I'll state it, my Achilles heel is my desire to love and be loved. I desire a worthy, Godly man to partner with and I desire to be a woman worthy of a Godly partner.  I'm chewing on this a lot lately.  I'm praying for this "someday" man because I am a lot of person to handle.  I hope he's a lot of person too.  I like to be a challenge and I like to be challenged.

I want something that I have seen in another friend's life.  He calls his girlfriend each morning and prays for her and leaves her a bible study on her voice mail.  In the evenings, most evenings, they talk and part of that time they discuss the bible study.  How wonderful to be husbanded in that fashion.  What a lovely way to be wooed.  He is intentional and specific and I have a lot of respect for him.

I hope that is something that I am able to experience in my relationship - my someday relationship.  I am holding onto the hope that I have that.  I am holding on to the hope that my someday man can pastor me and husband me in that fashion and that I can do the same for him.  That we have the type of give and take in a relationship that makes that type of partnership fun and challenging and a blessing.

So, I am full of hope.  I might not be at "faith" yet, but I have hope.  I am putting my hope in God that he has a plan.  To be sure, I am going to try to take the reins again and again and again because I like to have control.... and control is something that I do not give easily.  But I need to let God have His way, even though I really want to have mine... but I am choosing to have hope and believe that it will turn into faith, into substance.

On being messy, human, and a pleasant odor.

Life is messy.  People are messier still and if you are going to live, if you are going to get involved with people?  Plan on it being messy.

I am well outside my comfort zone with something that happened this past weekend.  A woman I'd met recently, with whom I was starting to establish a friendship needed some help.  As it was told to me at the time, she wanted help with asking a recent ex-boyfriend to move out because he'd started drinking again.  My intention was to go and sit and be a quiet support, and I was able to do that. 

The confrontation went quietly, he left without incident, and shortly after he left I did too.  As I understand it, the incident got a bit weirder after I left, and because I'll protect her anonymity I'll just say that shortly before midnight she was delivered to my doorstep, two dogs in tow and I was turning down the covers on my guest bed.

There was a level of drama with the whole situation that I am not particularly comfortable with, and I have intentionally backed away the last few days while I have got myself back into a level of stability.  I've been thinking a lot about this and did I want to get involved further, and how I wanted to behave and what I wanted to do.   (In the event the reader is wondering, I'll be calling to check in on her today.)

Of late, I've been praying a lot, "God, use me.  Use me how you see fit."  I know an aspect of my personality and calling is hospitality and I really want God to step into my life and use me to draw other's closer to Him.  Rubber, here's the road, I guess.

So in just reading other writers on various topics having to do with my Walk With Jesus, I came across today's entry from one of my favorite writers: John Fischer.  He writes a blog called The Catch and today's entry was John's take on 2 Corinthians 2:15-16:  For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life.

This reference was talking about who is drawn to us, who wants to be near us when we smell like Jesus (new fragrance, hopefully will outsell Teen Spirit - heh).  Who was it that Jesus drew to Himself?   Who was it that was drawn to Jesus?  Broken, messy people.  The ones who had the most trouble with Him were the religious, the ones who had it all together.

Heck, and gosh (see, my swearing has improved - though, if we're honest, it's still swearing) that's who I want my life to be like, right?  Jesus?  Yup.

The other aspect of this is the study I've been doing from the book, "Jesus Manifesto" by Frank Viola and Leonard Sweet.  In the chapter I currently have my nose in, they talk about not being a WWJD Christian.  What Would Jesus Do?  In the premise of WWJD?, Christians are told to behave like Jesus, to go towards a perfect life.  But, that's not what Jesus did.  He did what the Father told him to do, and He did it under the power of the Father.  He went about His day, walking here and there, healing the sick, comforting people, confronting people, hanging out with His guys and teaching.  What was put in front of Him, the people who approached Him?  That's who He ministered to, and I think, that's who I need to minister to too.

Life is going to be a little messy and it's going to put you into awkward situations sometimes.  As well, ministry is going to do the same.  So, I am uncomfortable sometimes and it sometimes feels scary to be the person who is asked to step in.  I think if I am ready for it, God will bring the opportunity/opportunities my way.   I just have to keep myself in good connection with Him so that I am speaking His words and making His actions. 

Maybe my well isn't dry, I have more to give.  Maybe I need to surrender to the will of a God so much greater than me, with a much better understanding of the much bigger picture.  I think that's a pretty great place to be.  I am, after all, the biggest sinner.  My sin is the greatest, I am the worst human, because my sin is mine and it is what would separate me from the Most Holy God, if He'd not sent His Son to die and be risen to pay for it.  My sin is burned away and I am a fragrant thing.

Moving and Being Moved

I am moving house this week.  I hate it more than almost anything.  I hate it more than paperwork, and more than stupidity.  I grew up in the same house through my childhood.  I was 19 when I moved out and I think I haven't stopped moving since...it seems it's every few years, but if I count the moves, it's more than that.  Moving gives me panic attacks.

I am taking a few minutes of unpacking boxes time and unpacking why I dislike it so much:  Is it because I have hoarding tendencies?  Maybe.  I often look at things I own and dream of a life I'd like... more social with more people enjoying each other's company which leads me to keep said item(s) longer than I should.

Maybe it's because I have a lot of interests and each interest comes with it's accompaniments... and that is fairly noble, if you look at it that way.  Maybe because I think I need all of these little things and have spent time and money acquiring them and to let them go is just a bit more than I can bear.  I guess it doesn't really matter. 

I am humbled in this move.  I've a friend who has bent over backwards to help me get ready and put together and moved... and really has worked to keep me sane.

I don't know if you have friends like this woman.  I hope you do.  She sees something in me that I can't fathom and she is adamant about getting me set into my new life.  It's pretty humbling. 

Why do people do that?  I know I have done it for other people.   I think about my motivation and it's equally unfathomable as to why I do this for others.  I suppose it really is an aspect of unconditional love.  The need or desire to care and be helpful.  I don't know if that's the case for everyone.

I have a lot of thoughts rumbling through my brain these days.  Sadly, my brain is also occupied with all of the practicalities of all of the life changes I am experiencing.  I don't think that there is any aspect of my life that isn't under construction.  Perhaps, perhaps that is normal... maybe we are all always under construction.  It just feels like so much right now and I am so overwhelmed.

I think things will calm down soon enough for me.  I'll get back to writing then, I do enjoy it so very much.  I can't wait to get back to enjoying the quiet of my life: guitar playing and singing, developing and deepening my relationship with Jesus again, creating in the kitchen, indulging in my friendships, walking on my beloved beach, just resting, and having thoughts. 

In the interim, I will chose to be moved by all sorts of things in my life... some in my control and some outside of it.

In Love Again...

Whew.  It's been two weeks since I wrote here last.  I keep a journal that I write in nearly every day which has contained so much of my thought process.  It's been quite the adventure here on Mulberry Street.

As I mentioned in the last few posts, I have returned to my faith.  I've been working that out with fear and trembling (read: respect, honor, a bit of actual fear and a lot of hope).  It's not been an easy road... it continues to not be an easy road, but easy doesn't really mean better - in my opinion - and the hard-won battles seem to be the most satisfying for me.

I've been experiencing JOY again.  After losing my husband - my best friend, lover, person I cared most for in the world - I don't know if I would have guessed that I could have found that again.  I've found a happiness that I wasn't sure that I could recapture - I've developed a few dear friendships that have been challenging, encouraging, worthwhile, and healthy.  Each of them has been encouraging me in my faith, which in and of itself is just stunning.  I hope you have that, or find that if you seek it.  I am (again) so aware that I am ever-blessed.

I had a conversation with my mom earlier this week, also a believer, who asked how my relationship with Jesus is different than before the 15 year break I'd experienced.  It's something that I'd been thinking about a bit too.

In a lot of ways, it is the same, in a lot of ways it is very different.  I think it's different because I am different.  Growing up in the faith, relationship with Jesus was easy - it was easy because that was all I knew.  Faith, believing that God would come through, that my needs would be met.  Now I am aware of the choices and sacrifices of my faith.  Before, I was so in love with Jesus, but in a child-like way, an immature way.  Now, I am falling in love again.  I'm falling in love with Jesus in a way that is astounding.  I understand intimacy now.  I understand the depth of relationship.  I am falling in love with Jesus who has always been in love with me.  We love him because he first loved us.

I guess I perceive that being away from the intimacy of my faith as good for me - well, looking back it was good for me, who knows where I'd be if I had stayed connected, who knows who I'd be - but there were things I learned by believing I needed to be self-reliant.  I can't really articulate that process or the lessons well.  I can project who I'd be now based on who I was then, but I am wise enough to know that there are lessons I might have learned if I had kept that intimacy with Jesus.  But I know I am where I am now because this is where I am meant to be.

Ten weeks ago, I could have never guessed that I'd be here, so far away from 'here' I was that religious programming on TV, on the radio, by friends on Facebook actually angered me.  I didn't think about why too much, but I think the reason was conviction.  Ten weeks later, I feel like I am praying much of my day.  My heart is soft.  I crave worship.  I want to talk about aspects of faith and what following Jesus means.  Don't get me wrong, I talk about plenty of other things too, but I want to connect based on this relationship and bringing comfort.

I am still in nearly constant prayer over a situation I can't control, but I have so much less anxiety about it now.  I don't know how it will work out, but I believe it will - and it doesn't matter which way it works out either - despite my desire.  I think there will be a long road ahead and it might be rather rocky as well, and I think it'll be painful for awhile - no matter what the resolve.  But I have faith that as I seek God and keep my relationship true and connected, I'll get my needs met - and that the needs in the situation will be met, that there'll be abundantly more than I could ask or think.

I guess that being in love, one wants to spend as much time with the object of one's affection as possible.  That's how I feel about spending time with Jesus... reading books, studying the Bible, finding ways to understand walking my faith out more, worship, taking time to listen.  The things that are put on my heart to pray or intercede for are an honor to spend time on.  The opportunities to talk about faith and relationship with Jesus excite me.  It's a great place to be, it's a fun place to be.

I've said before that I hope I keep this level of excited anticipation in this relationship.  I realize, like in all relationships that one makes choices towards intimacy by being open, by pursuing and challenging, by having expectations and communicating, by clarifying when one doesn't understand, by being gracious, and understanding of our partner.  With regard to a relationship with God, with Jesus my experience is that I also have to be gracious with myself.  Maybe that's true in human to human relationships as well.  Regardless, I endeavor to pursue this relationship excitedly, tenderly, openly and full of trust... my partner being omniscient, omnipresent, and well, God.  Funny how that works.

When the student is ready...

Well, goodness.  My last post was about trusting God for what I need.  My heart is so tender.  I cry a lot.  Much of the time I go in search of the source of these tears.  My dear friend says that tears come when they are needed and yet, I still want to know why.

So, I pray a lot.  Like, a lot - a lot.  In the last seven weeks, I think I've prayed more than I have prayed for the last 15 years combined.  I pray in words, I pray in tears, I pray in song, I pray in tongues.  I have been praying for guidance, for understanding, for God to show me his plan.  I pray that God work in me, through me.  It is mostly a pleasure to pray... it's so funny that I am here when just seven weeks ago I was in such a different place.

Yes, there is a situation I wish I could control.  I wish I could control it more than any situation that I've wanted to control in a very long while save one, and again there is absolutely nothing that I can do to control that situation.  But I can pray.  I can let that situation fall in God's hands.  I can let go of any control.  And, I have to tell you, I am struggling against having any control and struggling with letting myself trust God, and struggling in my faith.

I KNOW that God has a plan.  God has a plan and a purpose for me, a plan that gives me a hope and a future.  I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God's plan for me is so much more than I could anticipate, more than I can dream of a life being.  I know it to be true in the core of my core of my core.  Yet my brain falters.  Stupid brain.  My heart, my spirit, is IN for whatever God wants to do in my life.  And I know it's big.  I know it's huge.  I can feel it under my skin, growing in my heart, strong and sure.  I can feel it getting bigger, filling me up.  It's a good thing.

My brain wants the why and the how.  My reason, that comfort zone of knowing why and how God wants to work, that's my struggle.  When I was young and had nothing, this was easy.  When I was young, coming up with rent never seemed to be a struggle - oh there were months I sweat it out - but I just was able to believe that my needs were going to be met.  And they were.  I can't recall a month that I couldn't make rent.  Even when stranded in Amsterdam without funds (aside from a return ticket) I just believed that it would work out.  I can remember eating some very strange meals, but I never went hungry.  I was just able to maneuver because I needed next to nothing: food enough, a bus pass, rent, and 1/3 of utilities.  Those were good times, I had a network of friends who had my back.  That was a good time of life.  And because I had nothing, and needed next to nothing, faith that God would provide came easily.

Now, I own a small business, and a home.  Now, I live away from my family, have a much smaller network that is untested (mostly because they are new friends).  Now, I need to walk much more by faith - like the real stuff because I think I need more stuff.  Now, however, I am older and hopefully wiser.  Wiser is great, except I am prone now to overthinking instead of walking by faith.

Do I have a point?  I do.  On Saturday, after I wrote my previous post, I found myself in prayer again.  When I was tired, I slept.  I woke early, and was in prayer again right away.  I picked up my guitar and sang a few worship songs.  My was heart heavy with prayer, with seeking.  I am still seeking direction.  I know I am meant to set expectations for God to speak to me - alone or in church.  It was time for church and the last thought I had when getting out of my car in the parking lot was: "I am not leaving here until you speak to me".

During worship, it was easy to find the presence of God.  Worship deepens and I find myself on my knees, sobbing, seeking, letting go... in prayer for a friend.  Then intersession, deep, seeking. I am off of my knees, but shaky with the depth of the experience. 

Then the sermon.  I do not have high expectations because worship was just what I was wanting.  Then the reference:

Luke 18:1-8

New King James Version (NKJV)

18 Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart, ² saying: “There was in a certain city a judge who did not fear God nor regard man. ³ Now there was a widow in that city; and she came to him, saying, ‘Get justice for me from my adversary.’ ⁴ And he would not for a while; but afterward he said within himself, ‘Though I do not fear God nor regard man, ⁵ yet because this widow troubles me I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.’”

⁶ Then the Lord said, “Hear what the unjust judge said. ⁷ And shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them? ⁸ I tell you that He will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?”

The Pastor stars reading the first verse and I am in tears.  The full reference and I'm nearly sobbing with happy/hopeful/heard.  Widow?  Check.  Pleading and not letting go?  Check, check.  An unjust judge?  After a fashion, check.  A loving God who hears my prayer, my consistent and heartfelt prayer? A-to-the-men.  It was JUST what I needed to strengthen my heart's call to prayer, to understand and follow my heart and my calling.

 

I can be faithful to prayer, and I am again learning to trust God for my needs.  I KNOW he's faithful to perform what he promises.  I know that it's me who needs the adjustment.  As my dear friend reminds me: I already know this - that God makes a way, even when there seems to be no way.  I am blessed to have that reminder from another human when my heart fails.  And God shows me that he's listening. 

 

When the student is ready, the master appears.

On letting go of something that I would like to hold onto...

How do I let go of something that I don't want to let go of, something that feels like the best thing to come along in years because it is the 'right' thing to do?

I pray that the desire for this is taken away.  I ask that my heart change.  I ask that my desire for this thing is turned into whatever is appropriate for the situation.  I beg for my desire to change - or that the situation changes.  I beg a lot.  I weep when I am alone, when I find myself thinking about it, I wake up in tears.  I find myself on my knees in both actuality and in my heart.  I hold on so tightly while willing myself to let go.  Clearly, I am about as affective as a toddler who needs a nap.

Do you ever find yourself here?  Do you ever wonder how to get over situations, or how to understand what God's will is for you where you want something that is not likely to go the way you wish?  I do.  Gosh, I do.

When I can't get peace, when I can't get clarity, I try to turn the thing on it's ear.  What should I be learning here?  Because, let's be honest?  God isn't cruel.  So, what am I supposed to be learning here that I am not learning?  Or what am I not letting go of that I need to release?

I start to realize that my pleading turns into seeking more from God.  I want Jesus to meet my needs - even if I don't get what I think I really want.  Which turns into me realizing that maybe, just maybe the struggle I am going through is tailored for just that activity.  Maybe my seeking release in the situation I am praying about draws me closer to the Jesus with whom I am wanting a deeper relationship. 

I don't know.  I suppose one of the goofy things about my brain is that I am always looking for answers, and reasons as to why I am the way I am, why situations are what they are... and how to improve.

So, yeah.  Do I have release?  No.  Are things better?  No.  Am I in a better place?  Yeah, I think I am.  If there is a reason to struggle, I am happy to struggle.  The purpose of the thing might not be the result.

Wherein I expose my Achilles Heel...

It's the evening after a two day stint of selling my food product and it was an exceptionally profitable and excellent weekend.  Most weeks, these days of selling are a pleasure, I love my customers.  I love meeting people from all over the world (literally) and sharing with them my talent for production and the gentle compelling of a seller to a buyer, as well as building relationships with my regular customers - it brings me joy.  Most of the time, people come to my booth simply because they are interested in my food product.  But sometimes, they come because they need to be cared about, or they need their ass kicked, or to be listened to and heard.  It's how I view my business, as a portion of ministry in feeding people what they need, even if they don't make a purchase from me.  I'm also starting to see that this business will likely be a financial feeder to a ministry in which I believe I am being called to serve.  Goodness, in ministry again.

Tonight however, I am exhausted: emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have been sitting on my couch since after dinner tonight, searching for worship songs to play to feed my soul and it is at this low point I realize, again that I could do it.  I could walk away from my re-found faith in effort to be loved and cherished.  I could give away my heart again to a man who is not enough - or I am not enough for - so I didn't feel so lonely.  I could.  It would be so very easy.

You know what, though?  I don't want to.  I don't want to walk away.  I don't want to do it again. 

I loved being married.  I was good at it too.  As well, David was a spectacular husband.  He really was stunningly good at tenderness and care.  I couldn't have picked a better man if I had tried, and I both learned a lot and taught a lot about relationships with him.  The problem was that he wasn't a believer in Jesus, and I walked away from a call to ministry to be loved and cherished. 

Now here I am, and my heart is burdened again with a call to ministry that I do not yet understand fully, and as such I am not ready to act on the call.  Though I am rather lonely, I don't want to walk away again because my heart is weak.  And it is so very weak.  I don't know how to get filled up so I am not so damned lonely.  Sigh.  I am weak and small.  I spend a lot of time in prayer and worship and feeling overwhelmed by the natural need to be cherished and the even deeper need of the love of God in my life.  I am so aware of all of the parts of myself I am holding back and I am lost as to how to trust those things in my life to God.  I am working on letting go... one of the many oxymorons of Christianity.

So, here I am again: I am a little adrift.  I have a desire and yet, not the spiritual maturity to guide myself into whatever the next stage of belief follows, let alone the ministry that follows.  I need a pastor.  I need someone who can push and guide me.  Sadly, I haven't one available at the moment.  I was hit with the sad realization today that the consistent, kind, and near pastoral contact with my friend who has been encouraging me and guiding me in the faith and in friendship will soon be much less available because of the circumstances of our knowing each other.  I am realizing that I need to again be more self reliant in my relationship with God, and I know I don't have the maturity spiritually to do it alone.

It's frustrating.  I find that I am able to easily advise and encourage others because it's a natural gift.  But ministry?  Ministry takes stuff out of you that if you aren't getting fed enough will suck you dry.  I remember.  I don't yet have enough of a spiritual structure to really delve into ministry yet and if I were to do it now, I would fold like a house of cards - and not in a good way - I wouldn't fold into the submission of God, I would fold into the self.  I would do something stupid and likely walk away from my faith again.  I am so very, very human.

I need prayer.  I need guidance.  I need to pray for myself too.  If you are able, please pray for me that God will fill me up; that what I am being called to do is made clear; and that I will be equipped to answer the call and do it.  If you would like prayer too, please let me know here or privately via facebook.

Much love and care to you, Dear Reader.

I think it was the wrong conclusion...

Church yesterday. Pastor talked about holiness - God's holiness that is the only aspect of God that is repeated three times.  Holy, holy, holy.  From what he said, and from what I can confirm, the more a word was repeated the more emphasis it had.

So, not only is God holy, he is like, holy to the nth degree.  The point Pastor was making is that all the things that God is, in everything he does, in everything he is, comes from a place of holiness.  Holy love, holy patience, holy truth, etc.  And the conclusion he made was that we were to be like that, holy - called to be holy.  And that this separates us from the world, that it SHOULD separate us from the world.

It's on this point that I disagree.

You see, I think that God consecrates (sets aside) those who are believers, but I think that the setting aside has more to do with a level of protection over being separated from the world.  If we weren't called to be a part of the world, why would there be a caution to not hide your light under a bushel?  Why would Jesus pray for protection of his disciples who were going out into the world?  Why aren't we immediately caught up to heaven when we are saved? 

I know that this is sort-of a pet peeve issue with me these days.  Part of the problem is that in my 15 years "Christian Hiatus", the non-believers that I met hadn't met many Christians.  You know, the people who were such followers of Jesus the Christ that they emulated his love and acceptance of people in their current state?  Not a lot of people out there doing that.  You see a lot of holier-than-thou, a lot of "you sinner" accusations, a lot of hate, a lot of sneering, a lot of avoiding the downtrodden by Christians out there.  But not a lot of holy people demonstrating God's love.  Is it any wonder that people don't want to meet the real Jesus?  What they aren't seeing out there is Love.  That holy love that God has for his creation.  The tender, caring, compassion that is needed to draw the lost close to Him.  Jesus loved people where they were right then.  He didn't require them to do ANYTHING.  He didn't even require them to accept the gift of His love for them to be loved.  How much can I do that as a Christian... that's my goal, to be the example of Jesus' love to the broken and messy, the human who needs it from a human who needs it too.

I grew up in the church.  I know that feeling of, well... fear, that "the world/worldliness" would get me.  I never understood what it was that the adults were so worried about.  Not that I didn't understand sin and being bad, but I didn't understand why we had to guard so hard against it.  Wasn't that what forgiveness was FOR? 

I don't think that we should go out and do "bad" stuff.  I think that we go out and be the best humans we can be, but the times that we mess up (and goodness, it's a lot), those times are covered by grace and forgiveness.

I have an acquaintance with whom I am navigating a new friendship.  As we are getting to know each other, I find myself apologizing probably once a week because I've overstepped a previously unknown boundary (and sometimes in my selfishness, a known boundary).  My friend does too.  We don't expect each other to be perfect, we're going to make mistakes, and hurt each other, and do it wrong sometimes... and that's what forgiveness is for - those times when we don't get it right.  But I would prefer to make all of the mistakes and be rewarded with this beautiful friendship we are forging over making no mistakes and having no friendship.

How much more do we, SHOULD we have that with God?  Why are we so afraid of our humanity?  Aren't we here so that we learn stuff?  Aren't we here to glorify God in our broken state?  Aren't we here to be the light that shows the path to God's greatness, mercy, grace, and love?  How do we DO that if we are so separate, and sneering at those who are lost, or afraid of getting some of their messy sin stuff on us?

Maybe I have it wrong.  If I do, please enlighten me.  Again, I am not looking to be a big ol' sinner just to have something to forgive.  I AM a big ol' sinner in need of forgiveness and salvation.  I think it's my obligation to be none other than I am and through GOD's holiness, forgiveness, grace, mercy and LOVE for me, show how much He loves us as His creation.

So Christians, get out there.  Care about people, meet the needs that are in front of you.  Be messy.  Ask for forgiveness - and also ask for the myriad of things we need as humans are in need of a Savior.  God is Great, and will provide what is needed.

Go be holy, but don't hide from the world.  Love on people, be the Jesus that people need to see.  His grace is sufficient for you - and for a dying world.

*UPDATE*: My friend read this and suggested that I'd taken a bit of a veer from the way the post started, and I agree.  He suggested that what I was trying to say about the conclusion that our Pastor made being wrong was really: that like even a few drops of oil shaken up into a bottle of water, being among the world as a Christian we remain oil - a Christian no matter how dispersed our contents in the water.  Does that make sense?  (Also, is it any wonder that I admire this friend so much?)

Real Christians

Oy.  What does that mean?

It's something I've been thinking a lot about.  You see, I've "come out" to my friends as a Christian.  To some of them, this is exclusionary language because of what 'the church' has come to represent:  HATE, lack of acceptance and giving of little care to actually helping the hurting.  To be honest, that perception made me really think about stating publicly my intention to follow Jesus Christ with my whole life.

To me, that's sad.  NOT my fear, but the perception that being a follower of Jesus means you don't accept, don't love, don't care for an individual for whatever reason.  Well, that's not the Jesus I'm all that interested in emulating.  I want to follow the one who cared.  I want to follow in the footsteps of the Jesus who ate with tax collectors and whores in a culture where eating with people was a big huge deal; who allowed the messy, difficult, lost, and hurting to come to him and find solace.

I want to follow the one who said (and I paraphrase) 'Uh, see this kid with all this messiness and simplicity?  Unless you can be like that?  Don't bother following me.", when he was asked who could get into heaven.  That kid?  Probably didn't have the cognitive ability to decide beyond basic right and wrong.  That kid?  Trusting, curious, full of wonder, probably in need of a bath, and more food, and to blow their nose.

We're human beings.  Farty, smelly, messy, and broken.  God doesn't expect us to come to him and be all "Heya, I got all the answers in my pocket here, and I can out smell a rose with my righteousness".  Nope.  Where's the humanity in that?  That's a bunch of prideful bullshit.  God wants to meet our needs.  What need of God do I have, what need of salvation do I need if I can do it on my own?

I think God wants the broken, those who know they are flawed, and human, and messy.  Do I think that we, as followers of Jesus, should GLORY in our broken state?  While you might think that my answer might be yes based on this conversation, really?  I think no.  I think, however, we need to be aware of how far God's grace and mercy has brought us.  Grace: giving me what I do not deserve (salvation, love, hope); Mercy: not giving me what I DO deserve (condemnation, death, pain, damnation).

How do we convey to the lost and hurting that we understand their pain and brokenness if we deny our own?  How to we tell them excitedly about how much we've been held back from the precipice or rescued from the depths if we're not owning that we've needed such saving?  That we are STILL in need of that kind of saving.

There is a lot I don't understand.  To be sure, there are encyclopedias full of that which I don't understand... everything, including God is included in that.  But I know where I have failed.  I know what grace I walk under, from what it is that mercy has delivered me.  I know intimately the love that has been afforded me, and none of it my doing to deserve - except my acceptance of the gift.

So, how to act that out in life, in MY life.  How do I share that with others?  How do I act out this faith, demonstrate how blessed I am, how blessed anyone who accepts it is?  Not really sure.  Maybe just owning it and loving those around me in the way I can do.  Maybe giving a shit about someone is enough... that level of care continuing through the relationship process.

As I said, I'm still working this out for myself, and I certainly don't have all the answers - or really any more than one basic answer.  I needed help, God stepped in and gave me help and a purpose.  I'm going to work it out on my knees and in prayer through my day.  I am going to love hard on people who need it.  There are so many who need... and so many to care for, and that I can do.  I hope that when you think of a Christian, THAT'S the thing you think of me as being.

Not my will...

I think if I knew what God's plan for... well, anything... was?  I think I would get in the way.

If I knew what God was trying to do in my life, I would use every machination that I can imagine to make it come about in the limited way of my own understanding of how I want XYZ to work in my life.  Wouldn't you?  If you knew that God wanted you to move to the place of your heart's desire, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make that happen?  I know I would.

Here's the thing though, I might understand the idea of the plan but the point of it is the journey and the side-line lessons that exist so that I am READY for that move when it comes.  Do you see what I am saying?

When David was alive, I knew that he put money away into little pockets and places so that we'd have a budget for trips or adventures, house improvements, rainy day funds, etc.  There were a lot of those little places out there, and when we took that first year off and moved to the small town in which I live again, we lived on the pockets.  I knew that they existed, but I asked him not to share the contents or locations with me because *I* would want to find a place for that money to be useful in the short term.

David was highly strategic and employed his mind to watch for scenarios of opportunity and challenge.  He taught me some of that... well, as much as I was willing to learn it from him.  Some of it I found overwhelming because strategy is not a strong suit for me.  My point of power is in the present moment.

And as I type that?  I find it resonates with me like a tuning fork struck true.  My point of power is in the present moment.  Matthew 6:26 says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?"  I am more valuable.  And God is faithful to fulfill his promises.

Or Jeremiah 29:11? "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  That's a pretty powerful promise.  A hope and a future.  Prosper and not harm.  I can let myself trust that.

So, I have to trust.  That's like, my JOB.  My job is to trust.  Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit him and he will make your paths straight."

Submit.  Dude, that's a hard one for me and my pride.  But I am compelled to believe that God's promises for me are real.  I am putting my trust into God, hoping and having faith that his plan and path for me are going to make an amazing work in my life.  I don't know WHAT the plan is, I don't know WHERE the path leads, but that's the bit about him being God and my being the one who serves.

So, like Jesus said (when faced with the knowledge that he was going to be brutalized, beaten and nailed to the cross - a situation profoundly more difficult than mine), "Not my will, but YOURs be done."  It's the best I can do to make that my prayer.

Not my will, but yours.

Not enough...

I guess I am shopping for a church family.  (How easy is it to fall back into Church-y tech speak?  I'm trying to avoid it because tech speak is so exclusionary, even if it's not meant to be - because it's pre-determined definitions do not sufficiently explain to the uninitiated.)

I am looking for a church to go to on a regular basis.  I've been attending a friend's church.  He's told me that he attends there because it's the only church in the area that recognizes his ordination.  He's not a pastor there, but does some traveling ministry.  Anyway, the people there are lovely, though quite a bit older than I for the most part.  There are a few women who are my age, and their spouses, but not a lot of singles.  That's not a bad thing, but it's a factor.  Worse to my taste, the pastor seems to be a teacher.  His sermons are nice, sound, but so simple.  I've sat under him for two Sundays now and I guess I'm not inspired so much.  I want more meat.  I want to be pushed.  I want more than a simple faith.  I want to be challenged.  Worse?  Everyone else seems bored.

The churches I grew up in were very dynamic.  I think maybe they went in the 'other' direction of playing to/catering to emotion over substance too.  It was entirely too easy for me to get wrapped up into the emotional aspect of the religious experience.

So, what is it that I am looking for?  Challenge.  Balance.  Strong worship.  Evangelism.  Pulling gifts out of people... out of me.  Perhaps I need to be patient.  Perhaps I need to pray that the depth and dynamism that I am seeking is gifted to this body.  Maybe that's where I am.  Maybe that's what my job is now... Someone, some pastor I used to work with used to say: "If you see a need, you should fill it.  God has given YOU the vision of how it should improve."  So, yeah.  Ok.  I'll get there.  I can pray now.  Figuring out the HOW isn't really my job is it?  Being the one who prays... that's my job right now.

Post Script:
I was just listening to my Mom and Sister's church's series on Psalm 23 (you know, "the Lord is my shepherd") and was impressed by the thought that one of the pastors presented: if you aren't getting enough at church, is it because you aren't seeking on your own time.  While it's perhaps a factor for me that I'm only yet 3 weeks into reclaiming my faith and am not yet filled up, it's something to think about.

Critical Thinking...

One of the problems I had with Christianity and Church culture was that everyone seemed to "get" to the same place at the same time.  Whatever was said at the pulpit was pretty much gospel and no one really questioned too hard.

Maybe though that's changed, that was my perspective in my 20's so hopefully it HAS changed.  I haven't been back at this Christian thing all that long - about two weeks I guess - but I am fighting against the impetus to do it again: blindly following.  I think this is a bad thing.  I don't want to do it.

I don't know that I'll post what I think about.  The messages I need to hear aren't probably ones that you need to hear.  The conclusions I make, well, they might not be ones you'd make.  My job as a Christian is to make REAL what I already believe and to live that out loud.  I want more than the pre-digested milky God food (that sounds really gross, but is consistent with the way Bible/church people talk), I want to chew on some meat.  I want to have to think about what's going down.  I want to have to true myself up to the Bible.

I have a carpenter working on my house.  Sometimes, in the break I have in my day, I like to go over there and watch him and his crew work.  I understand about 1/3 of their tech-speak - some kind of joist, or the way they over-build or the tools they use?  All a foreign language.  But it's so interesting to watch them check, re-check, pound a nail in tighter, check a level, check a square.  Watching the math that is going on in their heads is so much more than distances and cuts.  Cantilevering.  Supporting.  Angles.  Making sure the drain-off will happen properly - the list goes on.  As a homeowner, I am completely overwhelmed.  But as a homeowner, it's also my job to understand to an extent what they are doing, how the project is going so that when I am asked a question about my preference and how this or that is going to look, I can give an informed answer and not just blindly accept what they are doing to my home.  I know I am unusual in that aspect with regards to being the homeowner - but the carpenter doesn't seem to mind the questions and seems impressed that I care so much about what's going on.  I do.  And I can see the beautiful work that is going on in the structure of my house.

At some point, the work will be done and it will all be covered in paint, tile and carpet.  At some point all of my furnishings will go in and that's what will be seen.  But because I have been here to see the structure take shape and know what will be under the exterior, I own this house in a way that most of the previous owners didn't.  It'll be hard-won knowledge, and good.

This is the way I want my faith to play out.  I want to understand the structure.  The finished product will be beautiful.  Heck, the work in progress IS beautiful, but I want to own my faith in a way that is both structurally sound as well as pleasing.  So, I am going back to my critical thinking.  Going back to making real what I already believe.  Living my faith out loud.

Not a religious blog...

Really, this blog started off about appreciating the views and beauty that I found in nature and in my life.  My, how it's evolved.

When David's death impacted so much of my life - so much of me, the view was just in having a view, period.  Now I am in a place in grief recovery that feels pretty good.  I still miss David, I will always miss David, but it's not my sole focus anymore.

Returning to my Jesus-centered up-bringing and beliefs has plugged a hole in my heart that has really been empty for a rather long time (and this is still in development).  That connection was the one thing that was missing in my relationship with David.  I'll own that sometimes I think about weather or not he'd have survived if I'd have been brave enough to live my faith out loud.  I have to let that go because I can't live in that past.  I can't or I'll go crazy.  I am working on forgiving myself, it's the best I can do.

Regardless, somehow I am plugged in again in a way that I wasn't when I was practicing my faith before.  I wake up and in a personal Bible study each morning.  Understanding relationship with God is somehow really important.  Zeal of the converted was what we "old school" Christians used to say about people in my current position - newly returned or newly converted.  It wasn't mocking, but it was kind-of.  I hope I never lose this zeal though.  I hope I never feel like this is old hat again.  I hope that the passion for Jesus, for God never wanes.  But like all things good and beautiful, it must be tended and tend I must.

So I am thinking a lot about my role in my community - the role of Christians in my community.  How to live my faith out loud.  I have some thoughts.  There are changes I want to see.  I have a passion and drive for practical missions, that when people get what they need (*see Maslow's Hierarchy) they can be open to matters existential.  So, where things go from here?  I don't know.  I am looking forward to the answers and the adventure of the journey.

Evening Time

It's not really that I am lonely, per se, but the evening is the worst part of things for me.  It gets dark, quiet, not a lot of people out and about.  It's this time when David and I'd sit and talk about EVERYTHING.  Politics, ideas, ideals, people, opinions, and feelings - the meat of conversation is missing from my life much of the time.

I have a few friends who are able to go deep into topics with me, and that is awesome... but of late they've been busy with their own lives (appropriately) and I miss the conversations.  I am not looking for someone to fill a gap left by David, but there IS a gap in my life for someone to fill and I guess that's something I am looking for in a person I spend time with.

Recently, a man who is connected to the group of people I spend some time with tried to ascertain my level of interest, and I was sorta receptive... but I didn't care for the way he asked (about as passive as a person could get) and while I get how hard it is for a guy to put it out there?  Sigh, I think I am worth more than that. 

I feel really picky and entitled when I think about this, but maybe it would be good for me to be discerning with the men who get to come a bit closer.  He's a good guy... I guess we'll see if it goes anywhere. 

And I guess that brings me to another thought - do I take all comers?  You can go out on a single, public date with a guy and probably know with one evening if there might be enough juice to make things work, right?  Even if I am not particularly attracted to someone at first blush, you just never know, do you?  I mean, if they push my "NO WAY" button, I'd listen to that...

Navigating this, getting though the evenings and figuring out how to be open and willing to date?  Yeah.  Harder than I anticipated.   I'm just sorta looking for someone to TALK with right now.

Happy Birthday To Me

Goodness.  How things go.  And goodness sake, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Today is my birthday.  Happy Birthday, Me!  I'm writing late, so it might be happy birthday me, yesterday for you... for that I apologize.  ANYWAY.

On Sunday, I talked a bit about opening the container and finding all of this me spilling out all over and gosh, there was a lot of me stuffed up in there.  Or not me... oh boy.  I am a little overwhelmed.

I made a friend a few weeks ago who is a pastor.  I'm starting to see that a portion of our instant friendship is our complimentary callings and gifts.  It's amazing what these simple conversations are pulling out of each of us.  I am overwhelmed and happy and encouraged and chastised and pushed and pulled and challenged.  This friendship is a lot.  I miss having a friend who challenges me to be a better Christian.  He's not afraid of hurting my feelings, nor I his, but things are said with grace.  And it is so much fun.

The friendship isn't the point of this post... it's that I have come home to myself.  Goodness, I do not know how this is going to play out, but I am plugged into myself, into my beliefs, my faith in a way that hasn't happened in 15 years... 16 years...  And I have hope for my own purpose again.  Again, not sure what's going to happen... not sure what's in store... not sure what changes except for maybe my own place of power and/or purpose.  I've always viewed my business as an extension of my ministry calling - my company's motto is "community through food", and I always intended that people get what they need when they approach and draw from me, whether they make a purchase or not.  It's likely the day-to-day of that will not change.

But, I've missed this portion of me.  I am very excited to see what happens.  I feel like fertile soil that's been watered, planted and watered again.  Wonder what the outcome is going to be... what will grow in the garden of me.

Something old, something new...

Back before I married, I had a rather committed spiritual life.  I know that some of my readers will not understand this, and I will explain if asked, but I guess for now, I just need to write this out.

I was called in to ministry at the age of six.  It was at a Christian and Missionary Alliance Bible Conference in Okoboji, IA.  This woman who was then in her 50s, a missionary to Africa, spoke.  There was something in what she said that compelled me to accept the ministry call.  I remember it so very clearly.  Over the next 20 years, I participated in ministries through churches I attended and in other mission ministries doing mostly practical missions (food, clothes, basic necessities) and also Bible studies, youth groups, some speaking, mostly 1:1 counseling and music ministries.

When I met David, who was not Christian and wouldn't call himself Christian or religious, I was so blessedly lonely and heartbroken.  I was 26.  When we fell in love, I fell in love with his heart and soul.  I sought release from my calling and felt that release was granted.  I knew there were caveats that if I left ministry, I would not find everything I was seeking, but I always believed that he was called into ministry as well, and, I guess, I figured that he'd follow that calling when we got life figured out.  But things didn't happen that way.  We moved to Salt Lake, and I was not a fan of the religious culture there, and then in Minneapolis, it was just easier to let my convictions slowly trail off.  Not that my beliefs changed, not that my faith changed, but I didn't overtly practice in the way that I'd grown up doing.  My religious practice became subtle and internal.  I do believe that this was good for me.  I needed some internal growth, I did need to be loved and to gain some emotional health that stepping away from ministry provided.  I said for 15 years, that my ministry was to my marriage and I believe that it was, we ministered to each other.

Fast forward, nearly 15 months after David's death and I darkened the door of my first church in that time today.  As frightening as it was, it was like coming home almost.  There are things I do not like.  There are barnacles on me that probably need to come off.  I am in need of honing.

I cried through the service.  Just tears leaking out of my eyes, down my face, dripping down my chin, and I was opening a huge part of myself that I had been stuffing into a container so that I could unreasonably love this man I had married.  I had blocked off so much of who I was so I could be loved.  In that act of stuffing myself away, I had lost my faith.

Today the lay-minister talked about getting what you need, about diligently seeking God for your needs.  I don't know how all of this will play out, but today I got to let go of my anger towards God because David was gone.  I know what I want now, and I don't know how that's going to be fulfilled, but I know my heart's desire.  And I am going to diligently seek getting what I know I NEED, not just what I want.  It's not my job to know how it works out, just that it will.  It will.  I'm turning this over.

I know some/most of my followers aren't Christians and have some serious concerns with Christianity in general.  To be honest, I do too.  I don't have all of the answers yet... and I might not ever.  But here is where I am in my journey to a whole me.

Contentment

Another day awash in gifts.  Work has been going well, the stress of some of the changes in my world are abating, grief lifting again a bit.  Hope.  All of this is a good place.

I keep bringing myself back to the fact that it's the journey.  We know what the destination IS... it is the same for every living creature - death.  So, you figure out how to live, to enjoy the process, the road, the meandering.

Desired

I don't know what happened.  I met someone, I guess.  We were introduced, I thought him pompous and then?  Like a switch, or a magnet flip, this instant connection. I wish the situation would be easier, but it won't be.  It's going to be hard and difficult and yet, maybe it will also be awesome and amazing.  It's going to take time and in the end, it might not work.  That's the disclaimer.

Suddenly I find myself desired... pursued... wanted.  In a way I haven't been, ever.  Not even David was this aggressive and yet this man is subtle.   He's expressive and discrete and I find myself being able to tell him everything, he is able to listen and to hear me.  He finds that he also wants to tell me his life story - unvarnished, and I enjoy that - I want his soulfulness.  I could be in trouble here.  

He doesn't want to rescue me.  I don't need a rescuer, I never have.  But he wants me to succeed, he champions it.  I want to do the same for him.  I don't know what I am going to do with all of this, but it's a lot to think about.  But as a woman who feels?  This feels really good.

Sadly, it will be a long, slow process - which is excellent for friend building.  In the end I may not wait for the timing to work out... I am not saying no, I am not saying yes.  I am just here in this moment, enjoying being desired.

Single.

I don't know how to be single.  I don't think I was all that good at being content with it when I WAS single all those years ago.

I'm struggling with it again, I guess.  How do I do this?  Be content with where I am with who I am now?  I gave over everything to my marriage - with the best intent, as one does with a relationship that you believe would be forever.  And now?  And now, damn, now I am alone.  No, that's the wrong sentiment... I am single again and trying to find my equilibrium with/within it.

I don't want to throw my heart at people... and I've kinda done that, and I've gotten ahead of myself.  I live in my head so much, picturing an idealized life where I can be in a committed, loving relationship that has separate living situations and probably not marriage, and not in the least because I don't know if I want to love someone so fully that I am this damaged again by it should it end.... and it will... if not in a breakup - in death.

There's a confession.  The woman who has always protested that the risk of loving people is that your heart is crushed by them, intentional or not, is afraid of even considering being in that space again.  I am.  I am afraid of loving someone that much again.

Is this why I am interested in men who, for whatever reason, aren't interested in me?  More than likely.  Don't get me wrong, these are wonderful men.  They have a lot to offer, even if they don't see themselves that way, they are treasures.  I'm not dumb, I can see people for who they are and their gifts.  I see them clearly.  I see the ugly and small bits too.  To me, these difficult things aren't things that are deal-breakers... but really, none of that matters.  None of that matters because... well, I am not what they want.  It hurts to realize that.

So, now where do I go?  How do I get to my best self?  How do I like myself well enough not to seek distraction and something to occupy myself?  How do I just be?  I'm not sure.  But it's where I am at right now.  I need to remind me that the road is the whole point.  That it's the journey - and that there's not a destination.  That the end of life is always death, so let's enjoy the passage while getting there.  As D used to say: It's an adventure.

Having a really bad day...

It's now over 14 months since David's death.

Things are ok.  I mean, today has been rough.  I don't know why I am so anxious to love again, to be loved again.  I know that things will happen in time.

So, I'm having a bad day.  Like a really bad day.  Not so bad that I'm worried about myself but bad enough.  And there is no away to run to... David was my away.  He left me with a great life, and no one with whom to share it.  I know this feeling is temporary.  I know it gets better.... but it is not better today.

I feel like I am wrong somehow.  I feel like I am broken or messed up and while I am told that this is not really the case, that my life was broken FOR me, it's still broken.

I don't have anything hopeful to say today.  This feels bad, and I don't like it.

Thanks to Hyperbole and a Half...

Read this.  I'll wait here.  You really do need to read this, ok?

Hyperbole and a Half - Depression Part 2

So, I've talked about the depression - the profound depression that David had.  That at the age of eight he had his first attempt at suicide and his mom saw what he was doing and convinced him that he'd not lived enough life yet to know if it wasn't for him.

And I talked about his not ever wanting to marry - that his views weren't only based on an intellectual view that marriage is problematic*, but based on the fact that he'd committed to his mom that he'd live till he was 30, knowing that at that point he might have a better grasp on his desire, or lack thereof, to live.

I know I talked about asking him for 10 years when after he turned 30, he revealed the depths of his depression to me.  And I have talked about how life just kept getting less and less palatable for him.  I have broken these bits up, because even I couldn't look at them all together.  Even now, writing this - I've tears streaming down my face... this is really hard.

But I read today's Hyperbole and a Half and I understand in a way I couldn't when so close to the one experiencing the pain.

I mean, touching me was so painful to him, because he wanted to see me happy - he could experience happy through me but he could feel none of it.  I don't think there is anything worse than wanting to feel with someone who wants to love you.  He was so incredibly tender with me, but none of it reached his eyes in the last few years.  That it wasn't just that depression stole physical intimacy with my husband - that the not-feeling made it so painful for him to even touch me.  That NOT touching me hurt me as much as touching me hurt him because he couldn't feel, and that caused him so much hurt. 

I know it was ONE of the factors that leaving made sense to him - because then I could find someone who could enjoy and participate with me (so convoluted).  He really loved me so much that he wanted me to have the best.  Someone asked me why finding love again was so high on my list - and there are a few reasons, but one of them is because I don't want his stupid death to be in vain.  I want to live life so fully because he wanted that for me so much that he DIED so I could have it.

He loved me so much and he just couldn't find a way to see that living was anything more than years and years of crawling across broken glass for himself.  He could see how his sad/depression/nothing hurt me because I wanted him to be happy - and there was nothing I could do to make that happen.  He believed that there was nothing that he could do for himself to make that happen either.  So not living was preferable.

 

I guess I am writing some of this out like this because I am processing it... but also to acknowledge that while I understand situational depression - and we all do - that the type of depression that David had, and that Allie is dealing with, and I know that some of you out there have?  I know it's a different thing.  I hope you have someone in your life who loves you even though this is where you are.  I hope too, like Allie, you are finding ways to reconnect with yourself - meds, therapy - whatever.  What you are experiencing is a chemical thing.  You aren't a bad person, there is no judgment from me if this is where you are... only care and love.  Please, please find a way to get to the corn.  The rest will come, albeit it might come slowly.  I wish I could have been able to get David help - that he'd allow it, but that is and was something I was unable to do.

 

 

*Not a topic I want to get into here, there are much better writers on the subject, should you want to explore further.