Whew. It's been two weeks since I wrote here last. I keep a journal that I write in nearly every day which has contained so much of my thought process. It's been quite the adventure here on Mulberry Street.
As I mentioned in the last few posts, I have returned to my faith. I've been working that out with fear and trembling (read: respect, honor, a bit of actual fear and a lot of hope). It's not been an easy road... it continues to not be an easy road, but easy doesn't really mean better - in my opinion - and the hard-won battles seem to be the most satisfying for me.
I've been experiencing JOY again. After losing my husband - my best friend, lover, person I cared most for in the world - I don't know if I would have guessed that I could have found that again. I've found a happiness that I wasn't sure that I could recapture - I've developed a few dear friendships that have been challenging, encouraging, worthwhile, and healthy. Each of them has been encouraging me in my faith, which in and of itself is just stunning. I hope you have that, or find that if you seek it. I am (again) so aware that I am ever-blessed.
I had a conversation with my mom earlier this week, also a believer, who asked how my relationship with Jesus is different than before the 15 year break I'd experienced. It's something that I'd been thinking about a bit too.
In a lot of ways, it is the same, in a lot of ways it is very different. I think it's different because I am different. Growing up in the faith, relationship with Jesus was easy - it was easy because that was all I knew. Faith, believing that God would come through, that my needs would be met. Now I am aware of the choices and sacrifices of my faith. Before, I was so in love with Jesus, but in a child-like way, an immature way. Now, I am falling in love again. I'm falling in love with Jesus in a way that is astounding. I understand intimacy now. I understand the depth of relationship. I am falling in love with Jesus who has always been in love with me. We love him because he first loved us.
I guess I perceive that being away from the intimacy of my faith as good for me - well, looking back it was good for me, who knows where I'd be if I had stayed connected, who knows who I'd be - but there were things I learned by believing I needed to be self-reliant. I can't really articulate that process or the lessons well. I can project who I'd be now based on who I was then, but I am wise enough to know that there are lessons I might have learned if I had kept that intimacy with Jesus. But I know I am where I am now because this is where I am meant to be.
Ten weeks ago, I could have never guessed that I'd be here, so far away from 'here' I was that religious programming on TV, on the radio, by friends on Facebook actually angered me. I didn't think about why too much, but I think the reason was conviction. Ten weeks later, I feel like I am praying much of my day. My heart is soft. I crave worship. I want to talk about aspects of faith and what following Jesus means. Don't get me wrong, I talk about plenty of other things too, but I want to connect based on this relationship and bringing comfort.
I am still in nearly constant prayer over a situation I can't control, but I have so much less anxiety about it now. I don't know how it will work out, but I believe it will - and it doesn't matter which way it works out either - despite my desire. I think there will be a long road ahead and it might be rather rocky as well, and I think it'll be painful for awhile - no matter what the resolve. But I have faith that as I seek God and keep my relationship true and connected, I'll get my needs met - and that the needs in the situation will be met, that there'll be abundantly more than I could ask or think.
I guess that being in love, one wants to spend as much time with the object of one's affection as possible. That's how I feel about spending time with Jesus... reading books, studying the Bible, finding ways to understand walking my faith out more, worship, taking time to listen. The things that are put on my heart to pray or intercede for are an honor to spend time on. The opportunities to talk about faith and relationship with Jesus excite me. It's a great place to be, it's a fun place to be.
I've said before that I hope I keep this level of excited anticipation in this relationship. I realize, like in all relationships that one makes choices towards intimacy by being open, by pursuing and challenging, by having expectations and communicating, by clarifying when one doesn't understand, by being gracious, and understanding of our partner. With regard to a relationship with God, with Jesus my experience is that I also have to be gracious with myself. Maybe that's true in human to human relationships as well. Regardless, I endeavor to pursue this relationship excitedly, tenderly, openly and full of trust... my partner being omniscient, omnipresent, and well, God. Funny how that works.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
When the student is ready...
Well, goodness. My last post was about trusting God for what I need. My heart is so tender. I cry a lot. Much of the time I go in search of the source of these tears. My dear friend says that tears come when they are needed and yet, I still want to know why.
So, I pray a lot. Like, a lot - a lot. In the last seven weeks, I think I've prayed more than I have prayed for the last 15 years combined. I pray in words, I pray in tears, I pray in song, I pray in tongues. I have been praying for guidance, for understanding, for God to show me his plan. I pray that God work in me, through me. It is mostly a pleasure to pray... it's so funny that I am here when just seven weeks ago I was in such a different place.
Yes, there is a situation I wish I could control. I wish I could control it more than any situation that I've wanted to control in a very long while save one, and again there is absolutely nothing that I can do to control that situation. But I can pray. I can let that situation fall in God's hands. I can let go of any control. And, I have to tell you, I am struggling against having any control and struggling with letting myself trust God, and struggling in my faith.
I KNOW that God has a plan. God has a plan and a purpose for me, a plan that gives me a hope and a future. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God's plan for me is so much more than I could anticipate, more than I can dream of a life being. I know it to be true in the core of my core of my core. Yet my brain falters. Stupid brain. My heart, my spirit, is IN for whatever God wants to do in my life. And I know it's big. I know it's huge. I can feel it under my skin, growing in my heart, strong and sure. I can feel it getting bigger, filling me up. It's a good thing.
My brain wants the why and the how. My reason, that comfort zone of knowing why and how God wants to work, that's my struggle. When I was young and had nothing, this was easy. When I was young, coming up with rent never seemed to be a struggle - oh there were months I sweat it out - but I just was able to believe that my needs were going to be met. And they were. I can't recall a month that I couldn't make rent. Even when stranded in Amsterdam without funds (aside from a return ticket) I just believed that it would work out. I can remember eating some very strange meals, but I never went hungry. I was just able to maneuver because I needed next to nothing: food enough, a bus pass, rent, and 1/3 of utilities. Those were good times, I had a network of friends who had my back. That was a good time of life. And because I had nothing, and needed next to nothing, faith that God would provide came easily.
Now, I own a small business, and a home. Now, I live away from my family, have a much smaller network that is untested (mostly because they are new friends). Now, I need to walk much more by faith - like the real stuff because I think I need more stuff. Now, however, I am older and hopefully wiser. Wiser is great, except I am prone now to overthinking instead of walking by faith.
Do I have a point? I do. On Saturday, after I wrote my previous post, I found myself in prayer again. When I was tired, I slept. I woke early, and was in prayer again right away. I picked up my guitar and sang a few worship songs. My was heart heavy with prayer, with seeking. I am still seeking direction. I know I am meant to set expectations for God to speak to me - alone or in church. It was time for church and the last thought I had when getting out of my car in the parking lot was: "I am not leaving here until you speak to me".
During worship, it was easy to find the presence of God. Worship deepens and I find myself on my knees, sobbing, seeking, letting go... in prayer for a friend. Then intersession, deep, seeking. I am off of my knees, but shaky with the depth of the experience.
Then the sermon. I do not have high expectations because worship was just what I was wanting. Then the reference:
So, I pray a lot. Like, a lot - a lot. In the last seven weeks, I think I've prayed more than I have prayed for the last 15 years combined. I pray in words, I pray in tears, I pray in song, I pray in tongues. I have been praying for guidance, for understanding, for God to show me his plan. I pray that God work in me, through me. It is mostly a pleasure to pray... it's so funny that I am here when just seven weeks ago I was in such a different place.
Yes, there is a situation I wish I could control. I wish I could control it more than any situation that I've wanted to control in a very long while save one, and again there is absolutely nothing that I can do to control that situation. But I can pray. I can let that situation fall in God's hands. I can let go of any control. And, I have to tell you, I am struggling against having any control and struggling with letting myself trust God, and struggling in my faith.
I KNOW that God has a plan. God has a plan and a purpose for me, a plan that gives me a hope and a future. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God's plan for me is so much more than I could anticipate, more than I can dream of a life being. I know it to be true in the core of my core of my core. Yet my brain falters. Stupid brain. My heart, my spirit, is IN for whatever God wants to do in my life. And I know it's big. I know it's huge. I can feel it under my skin, growing in my heart, strong and sure. I can feel it getting bigger, filling me up. It's a good thing.
My brain wants the why and the how. My reason, that comfort zone of knowing why and how God wants to work, that's my struggle. When I was young and had nothing, this was easy. When I was young, coming up with rent never seemed to be a struggle - oh there were months I sweat it out - but I just was able to believe that my needs were going to be met. And they were. I can't recall a month that I couldn't make rent. Even when stranded in Amsterdam without funds (aside from a return ticket) I just believed that it would work out. I can remember eating some very strange meals, but I never went hungry. I was just able to maneuver because I needed next to nothing: food enough, a bus pass, rent, and 1/3 of utilities. Those were good times, I had a network of friends who had my back. That was a good time of life. And because I had nothing, and needed next to nothing, faith that God would provide came easily.
Now, I own a small business, and a home. Now, I live away from my family, have a much smaller network that is untested (mostly because they are new friends). Now, I need to walk much more by faith - like the real stuff because I think I need more stuff. Now, however, I am older and hopefully wiser. Wiser is great, except I am prone now to overthinking instead of walking by faith.
Do I have a point? I do. On Saturday, after I wrote my previous post, I found myself in prayer again. When I was tired, I slept. I woke early, and was in prayer again right away. I picked up my guitar and sang a few worship songs. My was heart heavy with prayer, with seeking. I am still seeking direction. I know I am meant to set expectations for God to speak to me - alone or in church. It was time for church and the last thought I had when getting out of my car in the parking lot was: "I am not leaving here until you speak to me".
During worship, it was easy to find the presence of God. Worship deepens and I find myself on my knees, sobbing, seeking, letting go... in prayer for a friend. Then intersession, deep, seeking. I am off of my knees, but shaky with the depth of the experience.
Then the sermon. I do not have high expectations because worship was just what I was wanting. Then the reference:
Luke 18:1-8
New King James Version (NKJV)
18 Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart, 2 saying: “There was in a certain city a judge who did not fear God nor regard man. 3 Now there was a widow in that city; and she came to him, saying, ‘Get justice for me from my adversary.’ 4 And he would not for a while; but afterward he said within himself, ‘Though I do not fear God nor regard man, 5 yet because this widow troubles me I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.’”
6 Then the Lord said, “Hear what the unjust judge said. 7 And shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them? 8 I tell you that He will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?”
The Pastor stars reading the first verse and I am in tears. The full reference and I'm nearly sobbing with happy/hopeful/heard. Widow? Check. Pleading and not letting go? Check, check. An unjust judge? After a fashion, check. A loving God who hears my prayer, my consistent and heartfelt prayer? A-to-the-men. It was JUST what I needed to strengthen my heart's call to prayer, to understand and follow my heart and my calling.
I can be faithful to prayer, and I am again learning to trust God for my needs. I KNOW he's faithful to perform what he promises. I know that it's me who needs the adjustment. As my dear friend reminds me: I already know this - that God makes a way, even when there seems to be no way. I am blessed to have that reminder from another human when my heart fails. And God shows me that he's listening.
When the student is ready, the master appears.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
On letting go of something that I would like to hold onto...
How do I let go of something that I don't want to let go of, something that feels like the best thing to come along in years because it is the 'right' thing to do?
I pray that the desire for this is taken away. I ask that my heart change. I ask that my desire for this thing is turned into whatever is appropriate for the situation. I beg for my desire to change - or that the situation changes. I beg a lot. I weep when I am alone, when I find myself thinking about it, I wake up in tears. I find myself on my knees in both actuality and in my heart. I hold on so tightly while willing myself to let go. Clearly, I am about as affective as a toddler who needs a nap.
Do you ever find yourself here? Do you ever wonder how to get over situations, or how to understand what God's will is for you where you want something that is not likely to go the way you wish? I do. Gosh, I do.
When I can't get peace, when I can't get clarity, I try to turn the thing on it's ear. What should I be learning here? Because, let's be honest? God isn't cruel. So, what am I supposed to be learning here that I am not learning? Or what am I not letting go of that I need to release?
I start to realize that my pleading turns into seeking more from God. I want Jesus to meet my needs - even if I don't get what I think I really want. Which turns into me realizing that maybe, just maybe the struggle I am going through is tailored for just that activity. Maybe my seeking release in the situation I am praying about draws me closer to the Jesus with whom I am wanting a deeper relationship.
I don't know. I suppose one of the goofy things about my brain is that I am always looking for answers, and reasons as to why I am the way I am, why situations are what they are... and how to improve.
So, yeah. Do I have release? No. Are things better? No. Am I in a better place? Yeah, I think I am. If there is a reason to struggle, I am happy to struggle. The purpose of the thing might not be the result.
I pray that the desire for this is taken away. I ask that my heart change. I ask that my desire for this thing is turned into whatever is appropriate for the situation. I beg for my desire to change - or that the situation changes. I beg a lot. I weep when I am alone, when I find myself thinking about it, I wake up in tears. I find myself on my knees in both actuality and in my heart. I hold on so tightly while willing myself to let go. Clearly, I am about as affective as a toddler who needs a nap.
Do you ever find yourself here? Do you ever wonder how to get over situations, or how to understand what God's will is for you where you want something that is not likely to go the way you wish? I do. Gosh, I do.
When I can't get peace, when I can't get clarity, I try to turn the thing on it's ear. What should I be learning here? Because, let's be honest? God isn't cruel. So, what am I supposed to be learning here that I am not learning? Or what am I not letting go of that I need to release?
I start to realize that my pleading turns into seeking more from God. I want Jesus to meet my needs - even if I don't get what I think I really want. Which turns into me realizing that maybe, just maybe the struggle I am going through is tailored for just that activity. Maybe my seeking release in the situation I am praying about draws me closer to the Jesus with whom I am wanting a deeper relationship.
I don't know. I suppose one of the goofy things about my brain is that I am always looking for answers, and reasons as to why I am the way I am, why situations are what they are... and how to improve.
So, yeah. Do I have release? No. Are things better? No. Am I in a better place? Yeah, I think I am. If there is a reason to struggle, I am happy to struggle. The purpose of the thing might not be the result.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Wherein I expose my Achilles Heel...
It's the evening after a two day stint of selling my food product and it was an exceptionally profitable and excellent weekend. Most weeks, these days of selling are a pleasure, I love my customers. I love meeting people from all over the world (literally) and sharing with them my talent for production and the gentle compelling of a seller to a buyer, as well as building relationships with my regular customers - it brings me joy. Most of the time, people come to my booth simply because they are interested in my food product. But sometimes, they come because they need to be cared about, or they need their ass kicked, or to be listened to and heard. It's how I view my business, as a portion of ministry in feeding people what they need, even if they don't make a purchase from me. I'm also starting to see that this business will likely be a financial feeder to a ministry in which I believe I am being called to serve. Goodness, in ministry again.
Tonight however, I am exhausted: emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I have been sitting on my couch since after dinner tonight, searching for worship songs to play to feed my soul and it is at this low point I realize, again that I could do it. I could walk away from my re-found faith in effort to be loved and cherished. I could give away my heart again to a man who is not enough - or I am not enough for - so I didn't feel so lonely. I could. It would be so very easy.
You know what, though? I don't want to. I don't want to walk away. I don't want to do it again.
I loved being married. I was good at it too. As well, David was a spectacular husband. He really was stunningly good at tenderness and care. I couldn't have picked a better man if I had tried, and I both learned a lot and taught a lot about relationships with him. The problem was that he wasn't a believer in Jesus, and I walked away from a call to ministry to be loved and cherished.
Now here I am, and my heart is burdened again with a call to ministry that I do not yet understand fully, and as such I am not ready to act on the call. Though I am rather lonely, I don't want to walk away again because my heart is weak. And it is so very weak. I don't know how to get filled up so I am not so damned lonely. Sigh. I am weak and small. I spend a lot of time in prayer and worship and feeling overwhelmed by the natural need to be cherished and the even deeper need of the love of God in my life. I am so aware of all of the parts of myself I am holding back and I am lost as to how to trust those things in my life to God. I am working on letting go... one of the many oxymorons of Christianity.
So, here I am again: I am a little adrift. I have a desire and yet, not the spiritual maturity to guide myself into whatever the next stage of belief follows, let alone the ministry that follows. I need a pastor. I need someone who can push and guide me. Sadly, I haven't one available at the moment. I was hit with the sad realization today that the consistent, kind, and near pastoral contact with my friend who has been encouraging me and guiding me in the faith and in friendship will soon be much less available because of the circumstances of our knowing each other. I am realizing that I need to again be more self reliant in my relationship with God, and I know I don't have the maturity spiritually to do it alone.
It's frustrating. I find that I am able to easily advise and encourage others because it's a natural gift. But ministry? Ministry takes stuff out of you that if you aren't getting fed enough will suck you dry. I remember. I don't yet have enough of a spiritual structure to really delve into ministry yet and if I were to do it now, I would fold like a house of cards - and not in a good way - I wouldn't fold into the submission of God, I would fold into the self. I would do something stupid and likely walk away from my faith again. I am so very, very human.
I need prayer. I need guidance. I need to pray for myself too. If you are able, please pray for me that God will fill me up; that what I am being called to do is made clear; and that I will be equipped to answer the call and do it. If you would like prayer too, please let me know here or privately via facebook.
Much love and care to you, Dear Reader.
Tonight however, I am exhausted: emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I have been sitting on my couch since after dinner tonight, searching for worship songs to play to feed my soul and it is at this low point I realize, again that I could do it. I could walk away from my re-found faith in effort to be loved and cherished. I could give away my heart again to a man who is not enough - or I am not enough for - so I didn't feel so lonely. I could. It would be so very easy.
You know what, though? I don't want to. I don't want to walk away. I don't want to do it again.
I loved being married. I was good at it too. As well, David was a spectacular husband. He really was stunningly good at tenderness and care. I couldn't have picked a better man if I had tried, and I both learned a lot and taught a lot about relationships with him. The problem was that he wasn't a believer in Jesus, and I walked away from a call to ministry to be loved and cherished.
Now here I am, and my heart is burdened again with a call to ministry that I do not yet understand fully, and as such I am not ready to act on the call. Though I am rather lonely, I don't want to walk away again because my heart is weak. And it is so very weak. I don't know how to get filled up so I am not so damned lonely. Sigh. I am weak and small. I spend a lot of time in prayer and worship and feeling overwhelmed by the natural need to be cherished and the even deeper need of the love of God in my life. I am so aware of all of the parts of myself I am holding back and I am lost as to how to trust those things in my life to God. I am working on letting go... one of the many oxymorons of Christianity.
So, here I am again: I am a little adrift. I have a desire and yet, not the spiritual maturity to guide myself into whatever the next stage of belief follows, let alone the ministry that follows. I need a pastor. I need someone who can push and guide me. Sadly, I haven't one available at the moment. I was hit with the sad realization today that the consistent, kind, and near pastoral contact with my friend who has been encouraging me and guiding me in the faith and in friendship will soon be much less available because of the circumstances of our knowing each other. I am realizing that I need to again be more self reliant in my relationship with God, and I know I don't have the maturity spiritually to do it alone.
It's frustrating. I find that I am able to easily advise and encourage others because it's a natural gift. But ministry? Ministry takes stuff out of you that if you aren't getting fed enough will suck you dry. I remember. I don't yet have enough of a spiritual structure to really delve into ministry yet and if I were to do it now, I would fold like a house of cards - and not in a good way - I wouldn't fold into the submission of God, I would fold into the self. I would do something stupid and likely walk away from my faith again. I am so very, very human.
I need prayer. I need guidance. I need to pray for myself too. If you are able, please pray for me that God will fill me up; that what I am being called to do is made clear; and that I will be equipped to answer the call and do it. If you would like prayer too, please let me know here or privately via facebook.
Much love and care to you, Dear Reader.
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