When the student is ready...

Well, goodness.  My last post was about trusting God for what I need.  My heart is so tender.  I cry a lot.  Much of the time I go in search of the source of these tears.  My dear friend says that tears come when they are needed and yet, I still want to know why.

So, I pray a lot.  Like, a lot - a lot.  In the last seven weeks, I think I've prayed more than I have prayed for the last 15 years combined.  I pray in words, I pray in tears, I pray in song, I pray in tongues.  I have been praying for guidance, for understanding, for God to show me his plan.  I pray that God work in me, through me.  It is mostly a pleasure to pray... it's so funny that I am here when just seven weeks ago I was in such a different place.

Yes, there is a situation I wish I could control.  I wish I could control it more than any situation that I've wanted to control in a very long while save one, and again there is absolutely nothing that I can do to control that situation.  But I can pray.  I can let that situation fall in God's hands.  I can let go of any control.  And, I have to tell you, I am struggling against having any control and struggling with letting myself trust God, and struggling in my faith.

I KNOW that God has a plan.  God has a plan and a purpose for me, a plan that gives me a hope and a future.  I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God's plan for me is so much more than I could anticipate, more than I can dream of a life being.  I know it to be true in the core of my core of my core.  Yet my brain falters.  Stupid brain.  My heart, my spirit, is IN for whatever God wants to do in my life.  And I know it's big.  I know it's huge.  I can feel it under my skin, growing in my heart, strong and sure.  I can feel it getting bigger, filling me up.  It's a good thing.

My brain wants the why and the how.  My reason, that comfort zone of knowing why and how God wants to work, that's my struggle.  When I was young and had nothing, this was easy.  When I was young, coming up with rent never seemed to be a struggle - oh there were months I sweat it out - but I just was able to believe that my needs were going to be met.  And they were.  I can't recall a month that I couldn't make rent.  Even when stranded in Amsterdam without funds (aside from a return ticket) I just believed that it would work out.  I can remember eating some very strange meals, but I never went hungry.  I was just able to maneuver because I needed next to nothing: food enough, a bus pass, rent, and 1/3 of utilities.  Those were good times, I had a network of friends who had my back.  That was a good time of life.  And because I had nothing, and needed next to nothing, faith that God would provide came easily.

Now, I own a small business, and a home.  Now, I live away from my family, have a much smaller network that is untested (mostly because they are new friends).  Now, I need to walk much more by faith - like the real stuff because I think I need more stuff.  Now, however, I am older and hopefully wiser.  Wiser is great, except I am prone now to overthinking instead of walking by faith.

Do I have a point?  I do.  On Saturday, after I wrote my previous post, I found myself in prayer again.  When I was tired, I slept.  I woke early, and was in prayer again right away.  I picked up my guitar and sang a few worship songs.  My was heart heavy with prayer, with seeking.  I am still seeking direction.  I know I am meant to set expectations for God to speak to me - alone or in church.  It was time for church and the last thought I had when getting out of my car in the parking lot was: "I am not leaving here until you speak to me".

During worship, it was easy to find the presence of God.  Worship deepens and I find myself on my knees, sobbing, seeking, letting go... in prayer for a friend.  Then intersession, deep, seeking. I am off of my knees, but shaky with the depth of the experience. 

Then the sermon.  I do not have high expectations because worship was just what I was wanting.  Then the reference:

Luke 18:1-8

New King James Version (NKJV)

18 Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart, ² saying: “There was in a certain city a judge who did not fear God nor regard man. ³ Now there was a widow in that city; and she came to him, saying, ‘Get justice for me from my adversary.’ ⁴ And he would not for a while; but afterward he said within himself, ‘Though I do not fear God nor regard man, ⁵ yet because this widow troubles me I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.’”

⁶ Then the Lord said, “Hear what the unjust judge said. ⁷ And shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them? ⁸ I tell you that He will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?”

The Pastor stars reading the first verse and I am in tears.  The full reference and I'm nearly sobbing with happy/hopeful/heard.  Widow?  Check.  Pleading and not letting go?  Check, check.  An unjust judge?  After a fashion, check.  A loving God who hears my prayer, my consistent and heartfelt prayer? A-to-the-men.  It was JUST what I needed to strengthen my heart's call to prayer, to understand and follow my heart and my calling.

 

I can be faithful to prayer, and I am again learning to trust God for my needs.  I KNOW he's faithful to perform what he promises.  I know that it's me who needs the adjustment.  As my dear friend reminds me: I already know this - that God makes a way, even when there seems to be no way.  I am blessed to have that reminder from another human when my heart fails.  And God shows me that he's listening. 

 

When the student is ready, the master appears.