I am feeling sorry for myself. It was bound to happen, I'm teetering on the verge of a stupid depression and it's really my own fault. I'm not managing my space and time very well and I am trying to make something happen that I really have no control over, and my ability to control... ANYTHING seems to be slipping. Feeling sorry for one's self is very productive, no?
I sit down and write lists and lists of what I want - for my life, for my home, my business, in a relationship, in a man, for the future, for now. I'd have written the equivalent of a forest if I weren't so attached to typing over hand written things. Good thing I can password protect.
I am trying. Trying to let go, trying to move on, trying to not hurt, trying to let myself grieve, trying to be open to the future, trying to get over my past, trying to stay tender, trying to not get jaded - lots of effort. All this trying is really trying.
I seem to only write here when I'm working through stuff, when I have a good way to conclude the thought and how to acknowledge the path forward. Trouble is that I've not found a path, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's been a few weeks since my last post and while I love being home so much, I'm still adrift. Work is picking up again, but that only is a few hours each day. I love my simple social life - I take a ballet class, I've a group of friends I see once a week, I have lunch now and again with a friend or two - somehow it's not enough. I miss being a wife and the purpose that gave me - even if I don't know if I want to fill that role again - keeping someone going takes a lot of effort and strength and I don't know what to do with the extra time or effort. Who wants to cook or clean for themselves? I'm eating ok, and and though my house isn't as organized as I'd like, I'm just struggling with the "be" in being.
I know it gets better. I know this is just the process. I know I will have a lovely life again, that I have a lovely life... that what I am struggling with is sort of my place in my life. I'm trying to define what I want and then trying to figure out how to get there. I don't know quite how to do that, but hell, I didn't know how to do it before. Maybe I just need to roll with it, ride the wave, just get to whatever my best self is and as I do, draw the best stuff to me. Sounds like a great plan, doesn't it?
I know it sounds like I'm in kinda rough shape. I'm not, I mean, I am - but I'm not too. I am realizing what a great catch I am and what a quality human being both inside and out. I am trying hard to remember the word, "Adventure", as my husband used to call the things that scared me. I know it'll get better. I just would really, really like it to be better now.
