Choosing My Solace

I'll be honest.  I've been going through some stuff the last few weeks.  I've been going through some stuff and I have been struggling.  I'll admit that instead of having trust that God will meet my needs, I've been letting my feelings about my circumstances dictate my moods, which isn't all that a) healthy,  b) productive,  c) fun.  I don't really want to spend time with myself and I don't blame anyone else who feels the same.

If you ask me why I'm confessing it here, well, I guess I am because maybe someone can identify with me, or maybe you have some advice, or maybe you want to pray for me - all are welcome.

I'm doing everything I know how to do to improve my mood and attitude.  I'm being intentional, I'm keeping myself busy, I'm praying and doing a lot of bible study.  I'm reaching out to others when I feel like I shouldn't be alone.  I also know that I've just been going through a lot of transition and I am trying to be gracious with myself. On top of that, and maybe the most important part?  I've been seeking God to refine me - to take the parts of me that aren't pleasing and to burn them off.  It's been a pretty steady and smoky fire here.

I've heard other Christians call this refining 'the dark night of the soul', or 'going through the valley' and I know that I have been here before.  It doesn't suck any less though, and I've been working on how to focus on the "God is answering my prayer and changing me" aspect of this. 

True to most things God related in my life?  When I let go, the answers finally come.  This morning while doing some procurement I was listening to the local Christian radio station.  A woman there was talking about how God uses difficulty in our lives to shake us so that which we are relying on that is not Him is shaken away.  I don't really know why, but the thought gives me comfort.

If I look at the stuff that is happening in my world as God shaking loose the stuff I am relying on that isn't Him and see what it is I am clinging to, I feel comforted.  Why?  Because all I want to do most of the time is pray and seek God.  My prayer most of the time is: "If this isn't you, take it.  All I want is you."  The other part of the time my prayer is: "Comfort and protect me, Lord - and USE me." 

I understand how ridiculous I sound.  I'm simply a messy, messy human being who is seeking God to work in her life and for God to work through her life.  I want that more than I want anything else.  So, if the rest of it is shaken free?  So be it.  God will meet my needs.  Perhaps my faith isn't just this struggling thing I think it is - perhaps like Job's faith it's just being tested and refined. 

I am clinging to my God, my comfort and solace.  I know who God is and I trust that He will act according to who He says He is.

The Struggle For Release...

It's supposed to be hard.  If it weren't hard, everyone would do it.  It's the hard that makes it great. - Jimmy Duggan, A League of Their Own

I went to a therapist this week, after unburdening myself she said, "It sounds like you are in the middle of a birthing process."  I agree.

I am in the midst of transition - that part of the birthing process where (I'm told) you don't want to do this anymore, but you really, really don't have a choice.  Thankfully, I understand that this comes at the end of the birthing process.... which then means you have a tiny infant who is wholy dependent on you to care for, and that's another whole ball of wax... but I digress - and will write about that later I am absolutely sure of it.

This is hard.  I'm not sure why it's so hard, but it is.  Is it because I am struggling to let go of understanding how things work out?  I think I've mentioned in past posts that if I understood the plan fully, I would want to control the why and the how - and it's something that I really do need to let go to God's plan and way of working it out.

So, why does the thought of this bring me peace?  I don't know.  I absolutely want to rest in my relationship with God.

I wrote the above this morning.  It is now nearly bedtime and I think that while it was a good spot, I needed to get to the place I am now - and I am going to need to be remind of this again and again because it's where I want to live.

Over and over God talks about taking care of us, that His grace is sufficient, that His mercy is new every morning.  That He takes care of birds, He clothes the lilies of the field - and how much more will He take care of us, His children.  What if my answer to God was, "Yes, and amen."?  What if I could live in this place of thankfulness? 

There is a place of peace, there is a place of grace where I want to live.  God wants us there too, in this place.  This place of release, the place of yes.

What if...

What if God called you to ministry?  What if you had a promise of God working in you and through you to bring about change in your community, change in the lives around you, that He wanted to use you to draw people to Him?  What if you were who God wanted to use?

What if within that amazing calling, God called you to give it all up? 

What if your calling meant that you had to give away everything that was important to you? 

What if that meant that you gave up hope of having a relationship ever or again? 

What if it meant that you lived in poverty, that your income was earmarked to help others? 

What if you had to let go of your idea of safety?

What if you never had sex again, were never intimate with another person again?

Would you do it?  If you knew that's what was being asked of you, would you do it?

It's where I am right now.  It's where I am right now and I am desperately afraid... and yet, I am not.

When I was called to ministry, my mom was there and witnessed it.  She said she cried for me because she knew it was going to be a hard life.  I was six.  Then, somewhere in my 20s, as much as my life was full of grace and mercy and ministry - everyone around me was marrying and oh, I was so desperately lonely... and I found an acceptable man and married him.  I don't think that was God's plan for me, but He will work within the boundaries we set.

Now I am free again to follow wholeheartedly and I am choosing to again accept that call, I both feel and fear that I am being asked to give it all  up.  All of it.  All of my expectations, all of my resources, all of my... everything.  It might mean that I never get any of those things.  It might mean, like Abraham and his son, that I am being tested.  I don't know.

But, I guess it doesn't matter.  It's where I am and I am inclined to say yes. 

Lord, yes, please take it all.  Yes, I entrust you with my whole life.  Yes, I want to be your woman for the job, whatever the job. 

Yes, I am afraid that I won't be fulfilled, but I know God's character and I know He will take care of me.  Yes, I want Him to work in me, through me.  Yes, sanctify me, burn off the chaff, refine me.

To all of it, no matter how hard it is, I chose to say yes. 

Remind me of this when I am disheartened, and lonely, and afraid.  Remind me that I chose to say yes.  Remind me of who You are so that my answer is always: Yes.

Hope Into Faith

Faith.  I don't know if I have any.

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." in the New King James Version.  In the NIV, it is translated as: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Faith isn't the hoping part... it's the substance of the things, the confidence in the things in which we hope or the things for which we hope.  Right now, I don't have a lot of substance for the things I hope for in my life.  How's that for honest.

I want more out of life than I have options for right now.  For the first time in 18 months, I want a partner again.  For the first time in 16 years, I want someone other than David.  For the first time in I can't remember how long, I want God to be the picker of that man.  I want to find out the kind of man that God would pick for me.

When I was last here, when I last wanted God to be the picker of my husband, I think I was 20.  I had fallen for a man who I met through a ministry that I was working with as a staff member.  I was disappointed deeply.  Then, I suppose that in that disappointment I took the reigns.  Man, I really sucked at that in retrospect.  (Don't we, when we decide to take the reigns?)

There were a few of other men I cared about deeply in the seven years between my taking the reigns and my marriage.  I am now in my mid-40s and I am ready to see what it is that God has for me... WHO God has for me - and who I am here for.  Isn't that a change of perspective?  Who am I created to complete?

Truthfully, again I'll state it, my Achilles heel is my desire to love and be loved. I desire a worthy, Godly man to partner with and I desire to be a woman worthy of a Godly partner.  I'm chewing on this a lot lately.  I'm praying for this "someday" man because I am a lot of person to handle.  I hope he's a lot of person too.  I like to be a challenge and I like to be challenged.

I want something that I have seen in another friend's life.  He calls his girlfriend each morning and prays for her and leaves her a bible study on her voice mail.  In the evenings, most evenings, they talk and part of that time they discuss the bible study.  How wonderful to be husbanded in that fashion.  What a lovely way to be wooed.  He is intentional and specific and I have a lot of respect for him.

I hope that is something that I am able to experience in my relationship - my someday relationship.  I am holding onto the hope that I have that.  I am holding on to the hope that my someday man can pastor me and husband me in that fashion and that I can do the same for him.  That we have the type of give and take in a relationship that makes that type of partnership fun and challenging and a blessing.

So, I am full of hope.  I might not be at "faith" yet, but I have hope.  I am putting my hope in God that he has a plan.  To be sure, I am going to try to take the reins again and again and again because I like to have control.... and control is something that I do not give easily.  But I need to let God have His way, even though I really want to have mine... but I am choosing to have hope and believe that it will turn into faith, into substance.

On being messy, human, and a pleasant odor.

Life is messy.  People are messier still and if you are going to live, if you are going to get involved with people?  Plan on it being messy.

I am well outside my comfort zone with something that happened this past weekend.  A woman I'd met recently, with whom I was starting to establish a friendship needed some help.  As it was told to me at the time, she wanted help with asking a recent ex-boyfriend to move out because he'd started drinking again.  My intention was to go and sit and be a quiet support, and I was able to do that. 

The confrontation went quietly, he left without incident, and shortly after he left I did too.  As I understand it, the incident got a bit weirder after I left, and because I'll protect her anonymity I'll just say that shortly before midnight she was delivered to my doorstep, two dogs in tow and I was turning down the covers on my guest bed.

There was a level of drama with the whole situation that I am not particularly comfortable with, and I have intentionally backed away the last few days while I have got myself back into a level of stability.  I've been thinking a lot about this and did I want to get involved further, and how I wanted to behave and what I wanted to do.   (In the event the reader is wondering, I'll be calling to check in on her today.)

Of late, I've been praying a lot, "God, use me.  Use me how you see fit."  I know an aspect of my personality and calling is hospitality and I really want God to step into my life and use me to draw other's closer to Him.  Rubber, here's the road, I guess.

So in just reading other writers on various topics having to do with my Walk With Jesus, I came across today's entry from one of my favorite writers: John Fischer.  He writes a blog called The Catch and today's entry was John's take on 2 Corinthians 2:15-16:  For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life.

This reference was talking about who is drawn to us, who wants to be near us when we smell like Jesus (new fragrance, hopefully will outsell Teen Spirit - heh).  Who was it that Jesus drew to Himself?   Who was it that was drawn to Jesus?  Broken, messy people.  The ones who had the most trouble with Him were the religious, the ones who had it all together.

Heck, and gosh (see, my swearing has improved - though, if we're honest, it's still swearing) that's who I want my life to be like, right?  Jesus?  Yup.

The other aspect of this is the study I've been doing from the book, "Jesus Manifesto" by Frank Viola and Leonard Sweet.  In the chapter I currently have my nose in, they talk about not being a WWJD Christian.  What Would Jesus Do?  In the premise of WWJD?, Christians are told to behave like Jesus, to go towards a perfect life.  But, that's not what Jesus did.  He did what the Father told him to do, and He did it under the power of the Father.  He went about His day, walking here and there, healing the sick, comforting people, confronting people, hanging out with His guys and teaching.  What was put in front of Him, the people who approached Him?  That's who He ministered to, and I think, that's who I need to minister to too.

Life is going to be a little messy and it's going to put you into awkward situations sometimes.  As well, ministry is going to do the same.  So, I am uncomfortable sometimes and it sometimes feels scary to be the person who is asked to step in.  I think if I am ready for it, God will bring the opportunity/opportunities my way.   I just have to keep myself in good connection with Him so that I am speaking His words and making His actions. 

Maybe my well isn't dry, I have more to give.  Maybe I need to surrender to the will of a God so much greater than me, with a much better understanding of the much bigger picture.  I think that's a pretty great place to be.  I am, after all, the biggest sinner.  My sin is the greatest, I am the worst human, because my sin is mine and it is what would separate me from the Most Holy God, if He'd not sent His Son to die and be risen to pay for it.  My sin is burned away and I am a fragrant thing.