A few months ago I was talking with a woman for whom I care a great deal, about some things that were going on in her life and things that were going on in mine. This was a few months into my re-conversion when she asked a question that required a black-and-white answer and I sweated the answer for no less than a month before I gave it. I regretted having to answer the question every time I would see her name - I still do. In the end, it broke our friendship to respond because she perceived the answer to exclude her from value and care, and no matter how I tried to explain that love is given despite sin, she couldn't see it because of the way the Christians she'd known in her life could not give love to her where she was right then, those Christians required her to change before love was granted.
I was at a Bible study a few weeks ago, and during the discussion, one of the women there rather vehemently indicated that there was no loving the sinner, just hating the sin and eradicating it which made my heart brake. I (and others) protested that Jesus LOVED those people. Jesus reached out to people where they were, in the middle of their sin. His stance was forgiveness and acceptance THEN an admonishment to go and sin no more, it wasn't the eradicating of sin in the sinner's life that brought these people to Jesus - it was LOVE. His love for them.
I grew up in legalism. As long as I followed the rules of church, of God, of my parents, of society, I was deemed righteous and acceptable. There was no place for error, sin, failure. Well, try as I might? I suck at following the rules. I try to be what society, what God, what my parents, what my friends deem as a GOOD person. I'm not terrible at it either, but try as I might, I am far away from perfect. I mess up. I mess up a lot. But, in the middle of that mess, God steps in and says, I love you. I want you to know me. I want you to know that I know YOU already and even if you change nothing about yourself, I love you. God says, choose me. Choose loving me. THEN, go, and sin no more.
I think that Jesus loves the broken people most of all. I'm not proud, I am counted among the broken and I am so very glad for it. Because in my brokenness, God is glorified in my acceptance of His gift of grace and mercy. I am not seeking to keep sin in my life, I want Him to burn off every attachment to any sin. I want to be cauterized so that there is no place for sin to grow in my life, but like the garden I talked about in my last post? Fertile soil grows all sorts of stuff. It will grow the roots of sin as well as the Fruits of the Spirit... I just need to be quick about the pulling out the weeds of sin.
I am seeking more love in my life, more so, I am seeking to be a conduit of God's love into the life of others. It is my fervent prayer that I never forget the depths from which I have been rescued and the chasm that spanned between God and me and that I can relate and portray that understanding to those who are lost.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
Blessing Beyond Reason
It's been quite awhile since my last post, and I am only a little sorry about that.
It seems to be my experience that when God is working on my heart, there are times when being open about it is helpful and times when I really feel lead to shut up. I guess these last few weeks have, after a fashion been in the 'shut up' category.
I can tell that this happens when I sit down to write and all of the problem and none of the solution fly out of my fingers. When the words expressed here don't even come close to lightening my heart - which makes me think that they won't lighten anyone else's either... and I am burdened to pray more and seek more of the grace of my Savior. Sometimes, I just need His still and quiet voice.
God has been doing stuff in me and bringing people to my life who are amazing about speaking both grace and accountability to me directly. This walk, our lives, can be difficult and treacherous and it's such an honor to have friends who come along side to help one make it to the next point or who see you falter and say, "don't go that way, you've done that, follow the path, you are turning somewhere dangerous". What a grace to have people who will love you enough to help you set limits and boundaries and desire to help you stay within them. I am ever blessed.
Recently, there has been a change in my heart and a vision for a deeper relationship with God than I had anticipated. It's not that I didn't think I was deserving, but I guess I didn't know that this new depth was really possible. There is an adventure here and a call to lean on Jesus even further.
I've made a new friend, deepened other friendships and reconnected with people who have been influences in my life in the past and continue to be gracious influences in my continued walk with God... and amazingly? I feel joy, deep peaceful joy.
This winter has been really tough on me. I don't know if it was the first Christmas away from my family and without David that plunged me towards the depths of despair, but December was a really tough month. But there has been opportunity to explore some of this and process some of this and pray for the situation and find healing and hope within the shadows. Somehow, the anxiousness and fear has subsided and the chasm of loneliness is being filled. This path, as Joan is so good about reminding me, is a journey and I need to cultivate patience. And she's right! It is a step-by-step process that is similar to tending a garden. A garden doesn't go from an unbroken state to lush and inviting in a day. Gardens take time, and there are many steps in the process, and some of those steps are painful, some are back breaking, some are hopeful, most are exhausting, and it's a never ending journey. Even the most well tended garden is, in fact, tended. Weeds sprout up, as plants grow some need to be moved to get the best conditions for their survival and so they can thrive. It never, ever is complete - but each stage is brings moments of satisfaction and beauty. The anticipation and vision being brought towards fulfillment even if it's not completion. It's a blessing to say that I'll never get "there" - to completion. But I find there are plants already growing, surprising me with their scent or color or flower. And in my messy unfinished garden of a heart, there is beauty that blesses, a view that encourages, a scent that inspires. What a gift I am given to see God's truly amazing grace working in and through me. I am so excited for this process - and yes, impatient... but that is one of the weeds that are being worked out of my garden. What grace that is provided when I allow His tending of my messy and overgrown heart.
It seems to be my experience that when God is working on my heart, there are times when being open about it is helpful and times when I really feel lead to shut up. I guess these last few weeks have, after a fashion been in the 'shut up' category.
I can tell that this happens when I sit down to write and all of the problem and none of the solution fly out of my fingers. When the words expressed here don't even come close to lightening my heart - which makes me think that they won't lighten anyone else's either... and I am burdened to pray more and seek more of the grace of my Savior. Sometimes, I just need His still and quiet voice.
God has been doing stuff in me and bringing people to my life who are amazing about speaking both grace and accountability to me directly. This walk, our lives, can be difficult and treacherous and it's such an honor to have friends who come along side to help one make it to the next point or who see you falter and say, "don't go that way, you've done that, follow the path, you are turning somewhere dangerous". What a grace to have people who will love you enough to help you set limits and boundaries and desire to help you stay within them. I am ever blessed.
Recently, there has been a change in my heart and a vision for a deeper relationship with God than I had anticipated. It's not that I didn't think I was deserving, but I guess I didn't know that this new depth was really possible. There is an adventure here and a call to lean on Jesus even further.
I've made a new friend, deepened other friendships and reconnected with people who have been influences in my life in the past and continue to be gracious influences in my continued walk with God... and amazingly? I feel joy, deep peaceful joy.
This winter has been really tough on me. I don't know if it was the first Christmas away from my family and without David that plunged me towards the depths of despair, but December was a really tough month. But there has been opportunity to explore some of this and process some of this and pray for the situation and find healing and hope within the shadows. Somehow, the anxiousness and fear has subsided and the chasm of loneliness is being filled. This path, as Joan is so good about reminding me, is a journey and I need to cultivate patience. And she's right! It is a step-by-step process that is similar to tending a garden. A garden doesn't go from an unbroken state to lush and inviting in a day. Gardens take time, and there are many steps in the process, and some of those steps are painful, some are back breaking, some are hopeful, most are exhausting, and it's a never ending journey. Even the most well tended garden is, in fact, tended. Weeds sprout up, as plants grow some need to be moved to get the best conditions for their survival and so they can thrive. It never, ever is complete - but each stage is brings moments of satisfaction and beauty. The anticipation and vision being brought towards fulfillment even if it's not completion. It's a blessing to say that I'll never get "there" - to completion. But I find there are plants already growing, surprising me with their scent or color or flower. And in my messy unfinished garden of a heart, there is beauty that blesses, a view that encourages, a scent that inspires. What a gift I am given to see God's truly amazing grace working in and through me. I am so excited for this process - and yes, impatient... but that is one of the weeds that are being worked out of my garden. What grace that is provided when I allow His tending of my messy and overgrown heart.
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