Home Again, Home Again, Jiggidy-Jig!

 It's true, I am home.  Though these are the last group of photos of my trip to Hawaii.  The above is a photo of a pair Hawaii's State Birds, the Nene or Hawaiian Goose.  They are an endangered species, and the birds on the Big Island (and probably everywhere) are tagged.  They are a member of the same family group as the Canadian Goose, which migrated to Hawaii nearly 500,000 million years ago.   Interesting, how the road less taken has made all of the difference.

 I think I've mentioned that Hawaii wasn't the Most Fun Trip Ever for me.  I wish I'd been in a better place to enjoy Hawaii, it truly is so beautiful.  But physically and mentally/spiritually, my goals were different there...and I think I'd mentioned before about the view from afar has a lot more perspective.  Please let me tell you what's going on in the above photo.  This is a view of Volcanoes National Park at an overlook on Crater Rim Drive where you can see this area is active.  At the visitor's center we saw heat cameras and the area is just white hot.  The wind shifted while we were there and the air quality plummeted.  I don't mind the sulfuric smell but the oxygen replacement was less than pleasant.  Pretty though, I'll say.  Don't you agree?

 The flower above is a Lehua in bloom and in bud.  Isn't it just beautiful?  There is a lovely and tragic story involving Pele, Ohi'a and Lehua.  Pele, the goddess of fire wanted Ohi'a who was a handsome young man.  But he and Lehua were in love and in a jealous rage, Pele turned him into a tree.  The next bit has a few variations.  In one, the other gods took pity on Lehua and turned her into a flower to adorn Ohi'a; another says that unable to turn him back, out of guilt Pele turned Lehua into a flower so they might never be parted.  It's considered bad form to separate the two lovers, and that if it happens it brings the rain of the Lover's tears.  Nice story, isn't it? 

 This is another view of the crater.  The enormity of this view I can't describe it.  It's just pretty - and you can see the plume of toxic fumes and steam.

 See?  Here's King Kamehameha I (the great!)  We saw him in Hilo.  And banyan trees named for famous people who visited the Island.  They are really stunning, and for whatever reason?  I didn't get photos of those... or the Harbor.... or about a million other things that should be photographed and enjoyed in Hawaii.  I'll tell you though, this place is really, really beautiful.

 And unlike the U2 song, I did find what I was looking for... I was looking for a way to expunge the grief and sadness that I'd been holding onto for too long - having stuffing it down so that I could work and smile at people and be kind and not feel defective 90% of the time.  They say that doing that, that stuffing those emotions down is more damaging because they come out at really inopportune times.  I am blessed that it didn't pour out of me when I was at my job, but in a safe place for me.

 This gecko lived with me in those two weeks, there was a mongoose who I'd see after dark (and I think he lived in the attic too.  Freaked me out the first few nights.)  So, even when I was alone and sobbing my sad heart out, I wasn't alone.  And there was so much pretty.  I took so many photos and I wish I could share them all, but that's not possible.  If you can, you should go and take a visit.

So, here I am again, growing like so much moss and fern in the cracks of the hardened lava floe.  Though the ground looks so hard and unfriendly, I'm told it is the most fertile soil, and things just grow and take off and flourish as long as there is moisture.  My eyes are producing that, my home on the beautiful rainy coast provides that, and I am awash in human kindness, and again I grow.

Aloha - Goodbye. Hello. I Love You?

I am away from home, and traveling.  You probably knew that from my last post, didn't ya?  Well, yeah, I'm on Hawaii and IN Hawaii.  I was really fortunate early last fall to book this trip - the goal of which was to start the year off on a different foot and clear my head, last year - the last few - were really hard.  There were a lot of really great things too, don't get me wrong, but most of last year was recovery and I just wanted to get into a much better head space for going forward.  I don't know if I am doing it wrong and ruining it for everybody - but sometimes I feel that I might just be.

In the event you are wondering, the "everyone" in the above scenario is?  Just me.  I'm still not all that comfortable in my skin yet as a single person.  I didn't do a lot of long relationship dating when I was single a thousand years ago, being able to tell fairly quickly if the man in question was someone I was interested in or not.  I never really dated just to have someone to hold... and that's probably not going to start now either.  So, the transition.  How does one do that?

I sure as hell don't know.  So, I flounder, flopping like a fish between the me that was a part of an "us" and the me that is just... me.  I think I liked me better as a part of an "us".  I'm too much even for myself and yet I am feeling not very enough for myself or any one else - like not quite enough lemon juice and sugar for a lemon aid, but too astringent and not quite sweet enough on my own. 

I know I am more of an introvert than I let myself acknowledge when I was last single, but I think I need more people contact than I thought - or someone with whom to work through the thoughts running around in my brain.

My friend P and her husband T have been taking me around to the sights and tastes of Hawaii.  It really is a pretty place, and it's fun to play tourist for a bit.  Then I go back to my cottage and I am spinning around in my space, in my head, and I feel lost still.  Who am I?  What am I?  What do I want from myself?  I don't know if those answers ever get answered, or if they do, they don't get answered for long, do they?  We constantly change and evolve and grow.   

So, goodbye old me.  Hello to new me - whomever you are... I'll love you too, eventually.

 

Post Script:  A few hours after I posted the above I was awakened with a thought... D's regular comment in the face of my struggle though something difficult.  "It's our next adventure," he'd say, "we'll get to discover something great with this one."  I am not great with the completely unknown, just having a little bit of a framework helps me immensely, and the above thought always helped me manage though. 

It's an adventure, and there is yet to be something great.

Adventuring again.

Blogger is being a pain and not letting me upload photos.  I am not a fan of this, but I need to write and write I shall.  I am currently in Hawaii.  The Big Island.  I should be having the best time ever: SUN!  SAND!  VOLCANOES!  UNFAMILIAR TROPICAL FOODS!  Unfortunately, I am having the most un-fun time ever.  I cannot get out of my head.  I am struggling, struggling, struggling. 

I know it's only been a few days here, but I kind-of hate it.  Or I kind of hate me.  Or something.  I don't know.  This is truly the first time in awhile that there is not one thing that I must be doing, I am just be-ing and I suck at it.

Here's what I am struggling with... I've always thought of myself as a loyal person, and I am - but how is it that only nine months past my husband's death that I am allowing myself to even imagine a life that contains another man?  How is it that I've been considering it for a few months now?  Do I not miss him?  I do!  I do, so much - but honestly, only when I allow myself to think about him.  What is wrong with me?  How can I have loved so much, in such a real and solid way and have it turn to the air - all ethereal and unreal?

Maybe it's just the whole idea of loving someone who isn't present to receive it?  I don't know what the after-life consists of... I think there is one - but if it's simply existing in God's presence or going somewhere else to work out the stuff we didn't here, or what, I can't tell you.  I just know that I've not 'felt' my spouse visit since about mid-October.  It feels like a very long time... and I do miss him.  However, I've said to friends that I don't think I would go back to the last few years and relive them.  They've been hard years.  Just the sheer force of will to prop him up, the years of fear of losing him.  The day he died I had the thought that "we absolutely must do something else because I was exhausted" solidified itself in my head about a minute before I found out that he was already gone... the day my life changed forever - again.

I have done it.  I have, survived and I have made something for myself.  But there are no boundaries here; I can do anything and be anything and all of the entire world is open to me, and I am rather uncomfortable with it.  I like to have a few rules to rail against, a defined role to work within and outside of - and I am a little lost.

I was great as a wife.  I really was.  I adored being a spouse, the meet-er of needs - but what the hell am I now?  There are a whole range of things I could be, but very few defined. 

I am so blessed to have friends I can process this loss and a regaining of life with.  I just ended a phone call from my friend.  She's had a really heavy loss as well, and it's nice to talk to someone who has cut a path through grief to "normalcy" (whatever that is).  It's good to have a sounding board.  So, this is where I am right now:  As for future romantic relationships?  I do know what I want... I want commitment, but not necessarily marriage.  My life, my work is messy and has some limitations, so I don't know that I want to live with anyone, but I am open to that too should the right situation come up.  I want a friend, someone to rely on and who can rely on me, and I want monogamy in that relationship.  Beyond those few boundaries I am open - nothing is forever defined and both people and situations change.

I am hopeful that I can go out tomorrow and experience some more Hawaii and have a better adventure.  I am hopeful that there is a person with whom I can share life and share love with and that he'll come around soon... and I am ok if that process takes longer than I would really like it to, too. 

I am also hopeful that Blogger lets me load photos, because it really is pretty here.

What comes around... comes around

I wish that grief were linear. 

I wish that once you passed a point that there was no further you needed to linger there, that there was no revisiting. It doesn't work that way because we have memories and every step is compared to another - we are an associative creation. Every experience we have harkens to one we've had - even something completely new is processed through our past. There is nothing new under the sun.

I've been doing rather well, built up a business (again), established a home, made new friends, established new friends, made a lot of changes, stayed the same.

Then it hits.  The soul crushing ache of the loss of someone so important - your person, my person.  Again, again, again, again just gone. I don't know if the heart is layered like an onion or like a leaky roof that needs mending or what the analogy is, but it's clear that the process is messy and slow and it sucks entirely.  I know that all life ends this way, we all have to deal with it.

But each time it crushed down on you, somehow it's less horrible.  Do we get immune?  I don't think so, this isn't my first loss - just a different one.  Maybe we get immune to the pain of each individual loss and as you go through it our hearts get a little calloused.  I thought that this one might be easier because I knew a bit of the process, but the relationship was different and you grieve differently.

I find that for the most part, I am open to what the next chapter of life is for me.  I've said it before, there are still adventures of the heart out there for me.  Today marks nine months since my husband's death.  I have survived nine months. More than that, I've thrived and built a whole life for myself with a ton of help from so very many - thank you! 

I'm not one to tempt God/the Universe, but I've got this:

Come at me, Bro! Let's go for the fantastic, the awesome, the abundant, and the blessed.

To My Bear: My life will always be more because you were in it. 

I am more because you were in my life.

I gave you the best I had to give and you did the same in return, and I will always love you for that.



No words today... just a really lovely visit with Fake Friends From The Magic Intertubes - Happy New Year!