Hyperbole and a Half - Depression Part 2
So, I've talked about the depression - the profound depression that David had. That at the age of eight he had his first attempt at suicide and his mom saw what he was doing and convinced him that he'd not lived enough life yet to know if it wasn't for him.
And I talked about his not ever wanting to marry - that his views weren't only based on an intellectual view that marriage is problematic*, but based on the fact that he'd committed to his mom that he'd live till he was 30, knowing that at that point he might have a better grasp on his desire, or lack thereof, to live.
I know I talked about asking him for 10 years when after he turned 30, he revealed the depths of his depression to me. And I have talked about how life just kept getting less and less palatable for him. I have broken these bits up, because even I couldn't look at them all together. Even now, writing this - I've tears streaming down my face... this is really hard.
But I read today's Hyperbole and a Half and I understand in a way I couldn't when so close to the one experiencing the pain.
I mean, touching me was so painful to him, because he wanted to see me happy - he could experience happy through me but he could feel none of it. I don't think there is anything worse than wanting to feel with someone who wants to love you. He was so incredibly tender with me, but none of it reached his eyes in the last few years. That it wasn't just that depression stole physical intimacy with my husband - that the not-feeling made it so painful for him to even touch me. That NOT touching me hurt me as much as touching me hurt him because he couldn't feel, and that caused him so much hurt.
I know it was ONE of the factors that leaving made sense to him - because then I could find someone who could enjoy and participate with me (so convoluted). He really loved me so much that he wanted me to have the best. Someone asked me why finding love again was so high on my list - and there are a few reasons, but one of them is because I don't want his stupid death to be in vain. I want to live life so fully because he wanted that for me so much that he DIED so I could have it.
He loved me so much and he just couldn't find a way to see that living was anything more than years and years of crawling across broken glass for himself. He could see how his sad/depression/nothing hurt me because I wanted him to be happy - and there was nothing I could do to make that happen. He believed that there was nothing that he could do for himself to make that happen either. So not living was preferable.
I guess I am writing some of this out like this because I am processing it... but also to acknowledge that while I understand situational depression - and we all do - that the type of depression that David had, and that Allie is dealing with, and I know that some of you out there have? I know it's a different thing. I hope you have someone in your life who loves you even though this is where you are. I hope too, like Allie, you are finding ways to reconnect with yourself - meds, therapy - whatever. What you are experiencing is a chemical thing. You aren't a bad person, there is no judgment from me if this is where you are... only care and love. Please, please find a way to get to the corn. The rest will come, albeit it might come slowly. I wish I could have been able to get David help - that he'd allow it, but that is and was something I was unable to do.
*Not a topic I want to get into here, there are much better writers on the subject, should you want to explore further.
