Something old, something new...

Back before I married, I had a rather committed spiritual life.  I know that some of my readers will not understand this, and I will explain if asked, but I guess for now, I just need to write this out.

I was called in to ministry at the age of six.  It was at a Christian and Missionary Alliance Bible Conference in Okoboji, IA.  This woman who was then in her 50s, a missionary to Africa, spoke.  There was something in what she said that compelled me to accept the ministry call.  I remember it so very clearly.  Over the next 20 years, I participated in ministries through churches I attended and in other mission ministries doing mostly practical missions (food, clothes, basic necessities) and also Bible studies, youth groups, some speaking, mostly 1:1 counseling and music ministries.

When I met David, who was not Christian and wouldn't call himself Christian or religious, I was so blessedly lonely and heartbroken.  I was 26.  When we fell in love, I fell in love with his heart and soul.  I sought release from my calling and felt that release was granted.  I knew there were caveats that if I left ministry, I would not find everything I was seeking, but I always believed that he was called into ministry as well, and, I guess, I figured that he'd follow that calling when we got life figured out.  But things didn't happen that way.  We moved to Salt Lake, and I was not a fan of the religious culture there, and then in Minneapolis, it was just easier to let my convictions slowly trail off.  Not that my beliefs changed, not that my faith changed, but I didn't overtly practice in the way that I'd grown up doing.  My religious practice became subtle and internal.  I do believe that this was good for me.  I needed some internal growth, I did need to be loved and to gain some emotional health that stepping away from ministry provided.  I said for 15 years, that my ministry was to my marriage and I believe that it was, we ministered to each other.

Fast forward, nearly 15 months after David's death and I darkened the door of my first church in that time today.  As frightening as it was, it was like coming home almost.  There are things I do not like.  There are barnacles on me that probably need to come off.  I am in need of honing.

I cried through the service.  Just tears leaking out of my eyes, down my face, dripping down my chin, and I was opening a huge part of myself that I had been stuffing into a container so that I could unreasonably love this man I had married.  I had blocked off so much of who I was so I could be loved.  In that act of stuffing myself away, I had lost my faith.

Today the lay-minister talked about getting what you need, about diligently seeking God for your needs.  I don't know how all of this will play out, but today I got to let go of my anger towards God because David was gone.  I know what I want now, and I don't know how that's going to be fulfilled, but I know my heart's desire.  And I am going to diligently seek getting what I know I NEED, not just what I want.  It's not my job to know how it works out, just that it will.  It will.  I'm turning this over.

I know some/most of my followers aren't Christians and have some serious concerns with Christianity in general.  To be honest, I do too.  I don't have all of the answers yet... and I might not ever.  But here is where I am in my journey to a whole me.

Contentment

Another day awash in gifts.  Work has been going well, the stress of some of the changes in my world are abating, grief lifting again a bit.  Hope.  All of this is a good place.

I keep bringing myself back to the fact that it's the journey.  We know what the destination IS... it is the same for every living creature - death.  So, you figure out how to live, to enjoy the process, the road, the meandering.

Desired

I don't know what happened.  I met someone, I guess.  We were introduced, I thought him pompous and then?  Like a switch, or a magnet flip, this instant connection. I wish the situation would be easier, but it won't be.  It's going to be hard and difficult and yet, maybe it will also be awesome and amazing.  It's going to take time and in the end, it might not work.  That's the disclaimer.

Suddenly I find myself desired... pursued... wanted.  In a way I haven't been, ever.  Not even David was this aggressive and yet this man is subtle.   He's expressive and discrete and I find myself being able to tell him everything, he is able to listen and to hear me.  He finds that he also wants to tell me his life story - unvarnished, and I enjoy that - I want his soulfulness.  I could be in trouble here.  

He doesn't want to rescue me.  I don't need a rescuer, I never have.  But he wants me to succeed, he champions it.  I want to do the same for him.  I don't know what I am going to do with all of this, but it's a lot to think about.  But as a woman who feels?  This feels really good.

Sadly, it will be a long, slow process - which is excellent for friend building.  In the end I may not wait for the timing to work out... I am not saying no, I am not saying yes.  I am just here in this moment, enjoying being desired.

Single.

I don't know how to be single.  I don't think I was all that good at being content with it when I WAS single all those years ago.

I'm struggling with it again, I guess.  How do I do this?  Be content with where I am with who I am now?  I gave over everything to my marriage - with the best intent, as one does with a relationship that you believe would be forever.  And now?  And now, damn, now I am alone.  No, that's the wrong sentiment... I am single again and trying to find my equilibrium with/within it.

I don't want to throw my heart at people... and I've kinda done that, and I've gotten ahead of myself.  I live in my head so much, picturing an idealized life where I can be in a committed, loving relationship that has separate living situations and probably not marriage, and not in the least because I don't know if I want to love someone so fully that I am this damaged again by it should it end.... and it will... if not in a breakup - in death.

There's a confession.  The woman who has always protested that the risk of loving people is that your heart is crushed by them, intentional or not, is afraid of even considering being in that space again.  I am.  I am afraid of loving someone that much again.

Is this why I am interested in men who, for whatever reason, aren't interested in me?  More than likely.  Don't get me wrong, these are wonderful men.  They have a lot to offer, even if they don't see themselves that way, they are treasures.  I'm not dumb, I can see people for who they are and their gifts.  I see them clearly.  I see the ugly and small bits too.  To me, these difficult things aren't things that are deal-breakers... but really, none of that matters.  None of that matters because... well, I am not what they want.  It hurts to realize that.

So, now where do I go?  How do I get to my best self?  How do I like myself well enough not to seek distraction and something to occupy myself?  How do I just be?  I'm not sure.  But it's where I am at right now.  I need to remind me that the road is the whole point.  That it's the journey - and that there's not a destination.  That the end of life is always death, so let's enjoy the passage while getting there.  As D used to say: It's an adventure.

Having a really bad day...

It's now over 14 months since David's death.

Things are ok.  I mean, today has been rough.  I don't know why I am so anxious to love again, to be loved again.  I know that things will happen in time.

So, I'm having a bad day.  Like a really bad day.  Not so bad that I'm worried about myself but bad enough.  And there is no away to run to... David was my away.  He left me with a great life, and no one with whom to share it.  I know this feeling is temporary.  I know it gets better.... but it is not better today.

I feel like I am wrong somehow.  I feel like I am broken or messed up and while I am told that this is not really the case, that my life was broken FOR me, it's still broken.

I don't have anything hopeful to say today.  This feels bad, and I don't like it.