Single.

I don't know how to be single.  I don't think I was all that good at being content with it when I WAS single all those years ago.

I'm struggling with it again, I guess.  How do I do this?  Be content with where I am with who I am now?  I gave over everything to my marriage - with the best intent, as one does with a relationship that you believe would be forever.  And now?  And now, damn, now I am alone.  No, that's the wrong sentiment... I am single again and trying to find my equilibrium with/within it.

I don't want to throw my heart at people... and I've kinda done that, and I've gotten ahead of myself.  I live in my head so much, picturing an idealized life where I can be in a committed, loving relationship that has separate living situations and probably not marriage, and not in the least because I don't know if I want to love someone so fully that I am this damaged again by it should it end.... and it will... if not in a breakup - in death.

There's a confession.  The woman who has always protested that the risk of loving people is that your heart is crushed by them, intentional or not, is afraid of even considering being in that space again.  I am.  I am afraid of loving someone that much again.

Is this why I am interested in men who, for whatever reason, aren't interested in me?  More than likely.  Don't get me wrong, these are wonderful men.  They have a lot to offer, even if they don't see themselves that way, they are treasures.  I'm not dumb, I can see people for who they are and their gifts.  I see them clearly.  I see the ugly and small bits too.  To me, these difficult things aren't things that are deal-breakers... but really, none of that matters.  None of that matters because... well, I am not what they want.  It hurts to realize that.

So, now where do I go?  How do I get to my best self?  How do I like myself well enough not to seek distraction and something to occupy myself?  How do I just be?  I'm not sure.  But it's where I am at right now.  I need to remind me that the road is the whole point.  That it's the journey - and that there's not a destination.  That the end of life is always death, so let's enjoy the passage while getting there.  As D used to say: It's an adventure.