Back before I married, I had a rather committed spiritual life. I know that some of my readers will not understand this, and I will explain if asked, but I guess for now, I just need to write this out.
I was called in to ministry at the age of six. It was at a Christian and Missionary Alliance Bible Conference in Okoboji, IA. This woman who was then in her 50s, a missionary to Africa, spoke. There was something in what she said that compelled me to accept the ministry call. I remember it so very clearly. Over the next 20 years, I participated in ministries through churches I attended and in other mission ministries doing mostly practical missions (food, clothes, basic necessities) and also Bible studies, youth groups, some speaking, mostly 1:1 counseling and music ministries.
When I met David, who was not Christian and wouldn't call himself Christian or religious, I was so blessedly lonely and heartbroken. I was 26. When we fell in love, I fell in love with his heart and soul. I sought release from my calling and felt that release was granted. I knew there were caveats that if I left ministry, I would not find everything I was seeking, but I always believed that he was called into ministry as well, and, I guess, I figured that he'd follow that calling when we got life figured out. But things didn't happen that way. We moved to Salt Lake, and I was not a fan of the religious culture there, and then in Minneapolis, it was just easier to let my convictions slowly trail off. Not that my beliefs changed, not that my faith changed, but I didn't overtly practice in the way that I'd grown up doing. My religious practice became subtle and internal. I do believe that this was good for me. I needed some internal growth, I did need to be loved and to gain some emotional health that stepping away from ministry provided. I said for 15 years, that my ministry was to my marriage and I believe that it was, we ministered to each other.
Fast forward, nearly 15 months after David's death and I darkened the door of my first church in that time today. As frightening as it was, it was like coming home almost. There are things I do not like. There are barnacles on me that probably need to come off. I am in need of honing.
I cried through the service. Just tears leaking out of my eyes, down my face, dripping down my chin, and I was opening a huge part of myself that I had been stuffing into a container so that I could unreasonably love this man I had married. I had blocked off so much of who I was so I could be loved. In that act of stuffing myself away, I had lost my faith.
Today the lay-minister talked about getting what you need, about diligently seeking God for your needs. I don't know how all of this will play out, but today I got to let go of my anger towards God because David was gone. I know what I want now, and I don't know how that's going to be fulfilled, but I know my heart's desire. And I am going to diligently seek getting what I know I NEED, not just what I want. It's not my job to know how it works out, just that it will. It will. I'm turning this over.
I know some/most of my followers aren't Christians and have some serious concerns with Christianity in general. To be honest, I do too. I don't have all of the answers yet... and I might not ever. But here is where I am in my journey to a whole me.
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