I've not written here for the last few months. Most of my writing has been for me and God alone. My heart, oh this silly small heart of mine, has not been available and like with most things it takes me time to chew things out.
I've been back out in the dating scene again, such as it is, and have been spending lots of time in prayer trying to understand both what I want from God in this matter, and more importantly, what God wants from me.
I'm sure I won't surprise you when I tell you that sex is still the most controversial thing when it comes to dating, even as an adult, even as a Christian. The Biblical idea/ideal/charge/expectation of abstinence is laughed at in the secular world, and that I understand. What I'm surprised at is how much it's poo-pooed in the Christian dating world as well. Because, after all, we've all HAD sex and there is no re-virginizing. We know how to protect ourselves from pregnancy, and disease. After all, isn't sex just an expression of our care and affection in a physical realm? We INTEND to marry, so it's ok if we don't wait for marriage, right?
I'm in my mid-40s. I've been married. I had a sexual relationship. All of those things are true. Somehow, I'm an oddity to say that I want to hold to the self-same ideal of no-sex prior to marriage, and sex only with my husband. Have I always felt this way since my widowhood? No. But it's something that God has really been working on me about... and the level of accountability has been a sacrifice.
There have been men who have walked away from continuing to developing relationships with me because of it. That's hurt... and I get it because well, frankly, the physical aspect of a marital relationship is something that I miss quite a bit (to put it mildly and appropriately for this setting).
In the end though, I believe there is a man who is both enough in the mental/physical world as well as a spiritual match for me. I believe I am precious enough to wait to be in an appropriate relationship (marriage) to consummate our love... and I believe he is too. Is it going to be difficult? Yes, terribly. But it still needs to be something that I am willing to do, something that the man I will be involved with is willing to do with me.
I said in my last post that I told God he could have anything, he could do anything. My sexuality is the sacrifice of anything for me. It's not an easy sacrifice, but I promised obedience... to which I will still say, "yes, and Anything".
