Another no photo post...

I've not been great about getting out and getting more photos.  My work life picked up again, as has my social life and getting out on the bright days for photos just hasn't happened.  I miss it.  I miss being outside and snapping away.  It'll happen soon again I am sure.

I've been very honest in this venue of this blog, and that will continue with today's post.  I am all stirred up.  Things are confusing right now.  *I* am confusing to myself right now and I don't care for it.  Since I was a young person, it has been my goal to be my most authentic self.  And right now, I'm off-kilter.  There are a few external influences on me and I feel like I am in a place of pretty significant change again.  Change that I have brought about for myself.  Wow, I don't think I realized that until I wrote it.  I am choosing this, and it's my doing.

I guess, grief is waxing again because I am feeling myself.  I've allowed myself to be comfortable being insecure for far too much of my life and my husband was a rather stabilizing factor on my person.  He had a distinct quality of gravitas, weighting me, connecting me to life that is bigger than me. I miss that influence.  I crave it.

And here I am again.  I read today a blog post of a woman describing her relationship with her husband... and I started in with the tears.  Theirs is a similar love to the one that I had with David.  That regular, every day kind of breathing love.  The kind of love that is so natural to be like breathing.  It's a crave-able thing.

He's visiting now, in the moments before I wake.  Those dreams that come unbidden, encouraging me reaching out, finding a hand for me to hold.  He wants me to find love again, and I am... well, I'm not lost, I'm just moving slowly - more slowly than he'd like.  He tries to show me and I try to explain and then my eyes open to another day of work and life. 

It's taken me a long time to get to this place, and I'm still in love with my husband.  I know he thought he was giving me a better life by going away, and in ways he has - but I miss someone to share this with.  I miss sharing it with him.  I miss his holding me at the end of the day and letting me relax against him and his telling me that it'll all be alright (which he'd add "until it isn't", he was ever the pragmatist).  He'd make me laugh.  He was so bright and so funny.  So few people were able to see his silliness, most wanting his sharp and strategic mind, but he was blessedly silly.  I am terribly serious, but he made me laugh at myself.  He understood me and how to get me to unwind.

I don't expect that I will find anyone who will love me like he did, but maybe I can find someone to love as much as I love, as I loved him. 

What I know to be true:

What I know to be true:
Life is an adventure that you can't do alone.
Adventures aren't always awesome.  Sometimes they are really hard.
Loving someone isn't always about you, it isn't always about them, sometimes it's beyond you both.
Fall down seven times, get up eight.
There is room for great in your life if you want it.
Love will expand to the limits you give it.
There is more than enough for everyone to have more than enough.
Smile.  It is the most attractive thing you can put on.
People want to love someone who gives love.
Even grief is damn funny.
It's the quiet ones you have to look out for, but in a good way.
Warm laughter is one of the best things to hear.

Things I want to be true about me - or said about me:
She eats life.
You can't be around her without feeling like you are loved.
She gives you the time and space to be yourself, and she seems to like you.
She gives the BEST hugs.
She encourages me to be my best.
When I am with her I feel like anything is possible.

Things I learned from David:
Whatever you do, put your whole heart into it.
The most painful thing in the world is to love someone you can't trust.
It's ok to let people who don't add to you go - with love.  You make room for other people.
How to give the best hug in the world.
Put financial things into a perspective you can own.
Learn all of the rules so you know how to break some of the rules.

Things I learned from grief:
I have a lot of resources to pull from.
I am not finished with life.
Love is dynamic, expansive, fulfilling and not easily controlled - but gracious.
There is room enough.
Salt water is healing, weather it's the sea or it's tears.
People want to embrace you, if you let them.