It's five days since Thanksgiving. My third Thanksgiving without David and I am acutely aware of being alone, again, for the holidays.
I know I am experiencing depression again. The ending of a market season, the gray days, the prospect of alone holidays, the lack of prospect for the type of deep friendship that I wish for in my life... all of these aspects are weighing on me. I understand why people become hopeless and despondent at the holidays.
I wish I could say that being a Christian removes all of the difficult things - hurts, loneliness, broken-heartedness, but it doesn't. Yes, Yes, there IS hope, but belief in Jesus Christ doesn't magic one into automatic peace.
As Westly says in The Princess Bride, "Life IS pain. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."
So, I choose to breathe. I choose to get up in the morning and make something of my day. I choose to believe that there is purpose in my life. People who used to be friends of mine would call this 'bootstrapping', and I guess I am.
Things get better when I push myself to be thankful for the good things I ca see in my life, the blessings that exist.
But for now, I'm honest. I'm depressed. Life is not the way I would like ti to be. I have a little tiny sliver of hope, but just that. It'll be ok. I keep telling myself it'll be ok. I hope it'll be ok.
