I think it was the wrong conclusion...

Church yesterday. Pastor talked about holiness - God's holiness that is the only aspect of God that is repeated three times.  Holy, holy, holy.  From what he said, and from what I can confirm, the more a word was repeated the more emphasis it had.

So, not only is God holy, he is like, holy to the nth degree.  The point Pastor was making is that all the things that God is, in everything he does, in everything he is, comes from a place of holiness.  Holy love, holy patience, holy truth, etc.  And the conclusion he made was that we were to be like that, holy - called to be holy.  And that this separates us from the world, that it SHOULD separate us from the world.

It's on this point that I disagree.

You see, I think that God consecrates (sets aside) those who are believers, but I think that the setting aside has more to do with a level of protection over being separated from the world.  If we weren't called to be a part of the world, why would there be a caution to not hide your light under a bushel?  Why would Jesus pray for protection of his disciples who were going out into the world?  Why aren't we immediately caught up to heaven when we are saved? 

I know that this is sort-of a pet peeve issue with me these days.  Part of the problem is that in my 15 years "Christian Hiatus", the non-believers that I met hadn't met many Christians.  You know, the people who were such followers of Jesus the Christ that they emulated his love and acceptance of people in their current state?  Not a lot of people out there doing that.  You see a lot of holier-than-thou, a lot of "you sinner" accusations, a lot of hate, a lot of sneering, a lot of avoiding the downtrodden by Christians out there.  But not a lot of holy people demonstrating God's love.  Is it any wonder that people don't want to meet the real Jesus?  What they aren't seeing out there is Love.  That holy love that God has for his creation.  The tender, caring, compassion that is needed to draw the lost close to Him.  Jesus loved people where they were right then.  He didn't require them to do ANYTHING.  He didn't even require them to accept the gift of His love for them to be loved.  How much can I do that as a Christian... that's my goal, to be the example of Jesus' love to the broken and messy, the human who needs it from a human who needs it too.

I grew up in the church.  I know that feeling of, well... fear, that "the world/worldliness" would get me.  I never understood what it was that the adults were so worried about.  Not that I didn't understand sin and being bad, but I didn't understand why we had to guard so hard against it.  Wasn't that what forgiveness was FOR? 

I don't think that we should go out and do "bad" stuff.  I think that we go out and be the best humans we can be, but the times that we mess up (and goodness, it's a lot), those times are covered by grace and forgiveness.

I have an acquaintance with whom I am navigating a new friendship.  As we are getting to know each other, I find myself apologizing probably once a week because I've overstepped a previously unknown boundary (and sometimes in my selfishness, a known boundary).  My friend does too.  We don't expect each other to be perfect, we're going to make mistakes, and hurt each other, and do it wrong sometimes... and that's what forgiveness is for - those times when we don't get it right.  But I would prefer to make all of the mistakes and be rewarded with this beautiful friendship we are forging over making no mistakes and having no friendship.

How much more do we, SHOULD we have that with God?  Why are we so afraid of our humanity?  Aren't we here so that we learn stuff?  Aren't we here to glorify God in our broken state?  Aren't we here to be the light that shows the path to God's greatness, mercy, grace, and love?  How do we DO that if we are so separate, and sneering at those who are lost, or afraid of getting some of their messy sin stuff on us?

Maybe I have it wrong.  If I do, please enlighten me.  Again, I am not looking to be a big ol' sinner just to have something to forgive.  I AM a big ol' sinner in need of forgiveness and salvation.  I think it's my obligation to be none other than I am and through GOD's holiness, forgiveness, grace, mercy and LOVE for me, show how much He loves us as His creation.

So Christians, get out there.  Care about people, meet the needs that are in front of you.  Be messy.  Ask for forgiveness - and also ask for the myriad of things we need as humans are in need of a Savior.  God is Great, and will provide what is needed.

Go be holy, but don't hide from the world.  Love on people, be the Jesus that people need to see.  His grace is sufficient for you - and for a dying world.

*UPDATE*: My friend read this and suggested that I'd taken a bit of a veer from the way the post started, and I agree.  He suggested that what I was trying to say about the conclusion that our Pastor made being wrong was really: that like even a few drops of oil shaken up into a bottle of water, being among the world as a Christian we remain oil - a Christian no matter how dispersed our contents in the water.  Does that make sense?  (Also, is it any wonder that I admire this friend so much?)

Real Christians

Oy.  What does that mean?

It's something I've been thinking a lot about.  You see, I've "come out" to my friends as a Christian.  To some of them, this is exclusionary language because of what 'the church' has come to represent:  HATE, lack of acceptance and giving of little care to actually helping the hurting.  To be honest, that perception made me really think about stating publicly my intention to follow Jesus Christ with my whole life.

To me, that's sad.  NOT my fear, but the perception that being a follower of Jesus means you don't accept, don't love, don't care for an individual for whatever reason.  Well, that's not the Jesus I'm all that interested in emulating.  I want to follow the one who cared.  I want to follow in the footsteps of the Jesus who ate with tax collectors and whores in a culture where eating with people was a big huge deal; who allowed the messy, difficult, lost, and hurting to come to him and find solace.

I want to follow the one who said (and I paraphrase) 'Uh, see this kid with all this messiness and simplicity?  Unless you can be like that?  Don't bother following me.", when he was asked who could get into heaven.  That kid?  Probably didn't have the cognitive ability to decide beyond basic right and wrong.  That kid?  Trusting, curious, full of wonder, probably in need of a bath, and more food, and to blow their nose.

We're human beings.  Farty, smelly, messy, and broken.  God doesn't expect us to come to him and be all "Heya, I got all the answers in my pocket here, and I can out smell a rose with my righteousness".  Nope.  Where's the humanity in that?  That's a bunch of prideful bullshit.  God wants to meet our needs.  What need of God do I have, what need of salvation do I need if I can do it on my own?

I think God wants the broken, those who know they are flawed, and human, and messy.  Do I think that we, as followers of Jesus, should GLORY in our broken state?  While you might think that my answer might be yes based on this conversation, really?  I think no.  I think, however, we need to be aware of how far God's grace and mercy has brought us.  Grace: giving me what I do not deserve (salvation, love, hope); Mercy: not giving me what I DO deserve (condemnation, death, pain, damnation).

How do we convey to the lost and hurting that we understand their pain and brokenness if we deny our own?  How to we tell them excitedly about how much we've been held back from the precipice or rescued from the depths if we're not owning that we've needed such saving?  That we are STILL in need of that kind of saving.

There is a lot I don't understand.  To be sure, there are encyclopedias full of that which I don't understand... everything, including God is included in that.  But I know where I have failed.  I know what grace I walk under, from what it is that mercy has delivered me.  I know intimately the love that has been afforded me, and none of it my doing to deserve - except my acceptance of the gift.

So, how to act that out in life, in MY life.  How do I share that with others?  How do I act out this faith, demonstrate how blessed I am, how blessed anyone who accepts it is?  Not really sure.  Maybe just owning it and loving those around me in the way I can do.  Maybe giving a shit about someone is enough... that level of care continuing through the relationship process.

As I said, I'm still working this out for myself, and I certainly don't have all the answers - or really any more than one basic answer.  I needed help, God stepped in and gave me help and a purpose.  I'm going to work it out on my knees and in prayer through my day.  I am going to love hard on people who need it.  There are so many who need... and so many to care for, and that I can do.  I hope that when you think of a Christian, THAT'S the thing you think of me as being.

Not my will...

I think if I knew what God's plan for... well, anything... was?  I think I would get in the way.

If I knew what God was trying to do in my life, I would use every machination that I can imagine to make it come about in the limited way of my own understanding of how I want XYZ to work in my life.  Wouldn't you?  If you knew that God wanted you to move to the place of your heart's desire, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make that happen?  I know I would.

Here's the thing though, I might understand the idea of the plan but the point of it is the journey and the side-line lessons that exist so that I am READY for that move when it comes.  Do you see what I am saying?

When David was alive, I knew that he put money away into little pockets and places so that we'd have a budget for trips or adventures, house improvements, rainy day funds, etc.  There were a lot of those little places out there, and when we took that first year off and moved to the small town in which I live again, we lived on the pockets.  I knew that they existed, but I asked him not to share the contents or locations with me because *I* would want to find a place for that money to be useful in the short term.

David was highly strategic and employed his mind to watch for scenarios of opportunity and challenge.  He taught me some of that... well, as much as I was willing to learn it from him.  Some of it I found overwhelming because strategy is not a strong suit for me.  My point of power is in the present moment.

And as I type that?  I find it resonates with me like a tuning fork struck true.  My point of power is in the present moment.  Matthew 6:26 says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?"  I am more valuable.  And God is faithful to fulfill his promises.

Or Jeremiah 29:11? "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  That's a pretty powerful promise.  A hope and a future.  Prosper and not harm.  I can let myself trust that.

So, I have to trust.  That's like, my JOB.  My job is to trust.  Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit him and he will make your paths straight."

Submit.  Dude, that's a hard one for me and my pride.  But I am compelled to believe that God's promises for me are real.  I am putting my trust into God, hoping and having faith that his plan and path for me are going to make an amazing work in my life.  I don't know WHAT the plan is, I don't know WHERE the path leads, but that's the bit about him being God and my being the one who serves.

So, like Jesus said (when faced with the knowledge that he was going to be brutalized, beaten and nailed to the cross - a situation profoundly more difficult than mine), "Not my will, but YOURs be done."  It's the best I can do to make that my prayer.

Not my will, but yours.

Not enough...

I guess I am shopping for a church family.  (How easy is it to fall back into Church-y tech speak?  I'm trying to avoid it because tech speak is so exclusionary, even if it's not meant to be - because it's pre-determined definitions do not sufficiently explain to the uninitiated.)

I am looking for a church to go to on a regular basis.  I've been attending a friend's church.  He's told me that he attends there because it's the only church in the area that recognizes his ordination.  He's not a pastor there, but does some traveling ministry.  Anyway, the people there are lovely, though quite a bit older than I for the most part.  There are a few women who are my age, and their spouses, but not a lot of singles.  That's not a bad thing, but it's a factor.  Worse to my taste, the pastor seems to be a teacher.  His sermons are nice, sound, but so simple.  I've sat under him for two Sundays now and I guess I'm not inspired so much.  I want more meat.  I want to be pushed.  I want more than a simple faith.  I want to be challenged.  Worse?  Everyone else seems bored.

The churches I grew up in were very dynamic.  I think maybe they went in the 'other' direction of playing to/catering to emotion over substance too.  It was entirely too easy for me to get wrapped up into the emotional aspect of the religious experience.

So, what is it that I am looking for?  Challenge.  Balance.  Strong worship.  Evangelism.  Pulling gifts out of people... out of me.  Perhaps I need to be patient.  Perhaps I need to pray that the depth and dynamism that I am seeking is gifted to this body.  Maybe that's where I am.  Maybe that's what my job is now... Someone, some pastor I used to work with used to say: "If you see a need, you should fill it.  God has given YOU the vision of how it should improve."  So, yeah.  Ok.  I'll get there.  I can pray now.  Figuring out the HOW isn't really my job is it?  Being the one who prays... that's my job right now.

Post Script:
I was just listening to my Mom and Sister's church's series on Psalm 23 (you know, "the Lord is my shepherd") and was impressed by the thought that one of the pastors presented: if you aren't getting enough at church, is it because you aren't seeking on your own time.  While it's perhaps a factor for me that I'm only yet 3 weeks into reclaiming my faith and am not yet filled up, it's something to think about.

Critical Thinking...

One of the problems I had with Christianity and Church culture was that everyone seemed to "get" to the same place at the same time.  Whatever was said at the pulpit was pretty much gospel and no one really questioned too hard.

Maybe though that's changed, that was my perspective in my 20's so hopefully it HAS changed.  I haven't been back at this Christian thing all that long - about two weeks I guess - but I am fighting against the impetus to do it again: blindly following.  I think this is a bad thing.  I don't want to do it.

I don't know that I'll post what I think about.  The messages I need to hear aren't probably ones that you need to hear.  The conclusions I make, well, they might not be ones you'd make.  My job as a Christian is to make REAL what I already believe and to live that out loud.  I want more than the pre-digested milky God food (that sounds really gross, but is consistent with the way Bible/church people talk), I want to chew on some meat.  I want to have to think about what's going down.  I want to have to true myself up to the Bible.

I have a carpenter working on my house.  Sometimes, in the break I have in my day, I like to go over there and watch him and his crew work.  I understand about 1/3 of their tech-speak - some kind of joist, or the way they over-build or the tools they use?  All a foreign language.  But it's so interesting to watch them check, re-check, pound a nail in tighter, check a level, check a square.  Watching the math that is going on in their heads is so much more than distances and cuts.  Cantilevering.  Supporting.  Angles.  Making sure the drain-off will happen properly - the list goes on.  As a homeowner, I am completely overwhelmed.  But as a homeowner, it's also my job to understand to an extent what they are doing, how the project is going so that when I am asked a question about my preference and how this or that is going to look, I can give an informed answer and not just blindly accept what they are doing to my home.  I know I am unusual in that aspect with regards to being the homeowner - but the carpenter doesn't seem to mind the questions and seems impressed that I care so much about what's going on.  I do.  And I can see the beautiful work that is going on in the structure of my house.

At some point, the work will be done and it will all be covered in paint, tile and carpet.  At some point all of my furnishings will go in and that's what will be seen.  But because I have been here to see the structure take shape and know what will be under the exterior, I own this house in a way that most of the previous owners didn't.  It'll be hard-won knowledge, and good.

This is the way I want my faith to play out.  I want to understand the structure.  The finished product will be beautiful.  Heck, the work in progress IS beautiful, but I want to own my faith in a way that is both structurally sound as well as pleasing.  So, I am going back to my critical thinking.  Going back to making real what I already believe.  Living my faith out loud.

Not a religious blog...

Really, this blog started off about appreciating the views and beauty that I found in nature and in my life.  My, how it's evolved.

When David's death impacted so much of my life - so much of me, the view was just in having a view, period.  Now I am in a place in grief recovery that feels pretty good.  I still miss David, I will always miss David, but it's not my sole focus anymore.

Returning to my Jesus-centered up-bringing and beliefs has plugged a hole in my heart that has really been empty for a rather long time (and this is still in development).  That connection was the one thing that was missing in my relationship with David.  I'll own that sometimes I think about weather or not he'd have survived if I'd have been brave enough to live my faith out loud.  I have to let that go because I can't live in that past.  I can't or I'll go crazy.  I am working on forgiving myself, it's the best I can do.

Regardless, somehow I am plugged in again in a way that I wasn't when I was practicing my faith before.  I wake up and in a personal Bible study each morning.  Understanding relationship with God is somehow really important.  Zeal of the converted was what we "old school" Christians used to say about people in my current position - newly returned or newly converted.  It wasn't mocking, but it was kind-of.  I hope I never lose this zeal though.  I hope I never feel like this is old hat again.  I hope that the passion for Jesus, for God never wanes.  But like all things good and beautiful, it must be tended and tend I must.

So I am thinking a lot about my role in my community - the role of Christians in my community.  How to live my faith out loud.  I have some thoughts.  There are changes I want to see.  I have a passion and drive for practical missions, that when people get what they need (*see Maslow's Hierarchy) they can be open to matters existential.  So, where things go from here?  I don't know.  I am looking forward to the answers and the adventure of the journey.

Evening Time

It's not really that I am lonely, per se, but the evening is the worst part of things for me.  It gets dark, quiet, not a lot of people out and about.  It's this time when David and I'd sit and talk about EVERYTHING.  Politics, ideas, ideals, people, opinions, and feelings - the meat of conversation is missing from my life much of the time.

I have a few friends who are able to go deep into topics with me, and that is awesome... but of late they've been busy with their own lives (appropriately) and I miss the conversations.  I am not looking for someone to fill a gap left by David, but there IS a gap in my life for someone to fill and I guess that's something I am looking for in a person I spend time with.

Recently, a man who is connected to the group of people I spend some time with tried to ascertain my level of interest, and I was sorta receptive... but I didn't care for the way he asked (about as passive as a person could get) and while I get how hard it is for a guy to put it out there?  Sigh, I think I am worth more than that. 

I feel really picky and entitled when I think about this, but maybe it would be good for me to be discerning with the men who get to come a bit closer.  He's a good guy... I guess we'll see if it goes anywhere. 

And I guess that brings me to another thought - do I take all comers?  You can go out on a single, public date with a guy and probably know with one evening if there might be enough juice to make things work, right?  Even if I am not particularly attracted to someone at first blush, you just never know, do you?  I mean, if they push my "NO WAY" button, I'd listen to that...

Navigating this, getting though the evenings and figuring out how to be open and willing to date?  Yeah.  Harder than I anticipated.   I'm just sorta looking for someone to TALK with right now.

Happy Birthday To Me

Goodness.  How things go.  And goodness sake, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Today is my birthday.  Happy Birthday, Me!  I'm writing late, so it might be happy birthday me, yesterday for you... for that I apologize.  ANYWAY.

On Sunday, I talked a bit about opening the container and finding all of this me spilling out all over and gosh, there was a lot of me stuffed up in there.  Or not me... oh boy.  I am a little overwhelmed.

I made a friend a few weeks ago who is a pastor.  I'm starting to see that a portion of our instant friendship is our complimentary callings and gifts.  It's amazing what these simple conversations are pulling out of each of us.  I am overwhelmed and happy and encouraged and chastised and pushed and pulled and challenged.  This friendship is a lot.  I miss having a friend who challenges me to be a better Christian.  He's not afraid of hurting my feelings, nor I his, but things are said with grace.  And it is so much fun.

The friendship isn't the point of this post... it's that I have come home to myself.  Goodness, I do not know how this is going to play out, but I am plugged into myself, into my beliefs, my faith in a way that hasn't happened in 15 years... 16 years...  And I have hope for my own purpose again.  Again, not sure what's going to happen... not sure what's in store... not sure what changes except for maybe my own place of power and/or purpose.  I've always viewed my business as an extension of my ministry calling - my company's motto is "community through food", and I always intended that people get what they need when they approach and draw from me, whether they make a purchase or not.  It's likely the day-to-day of that will not change.

But, I've missed this portion of me.  I am very excited to see what happens.  I feel like fertile soil that's been watered, planted and watered again.  Wonder what the outcome is going to be... what will grow in the garden of me.