I am away from home, and traveling. You probably knew that from my last post, didn't ya? Well, yeah, I'm on Hawaii and IN Hawaii. I was really fortunate early last fall to book this trip - the goal of which was to start the year off on a different foot and clear my head, last year - the last few - were really hard. There were a lot of really great things too, don't get me wrong, but most of last year was recovery and I just wanted to get into a much better head space for going forward. I don't know if I am doing it wrong and ruining it for everybody - but sometimes I feel that I might just be.
In the event you are wondering, the "everyone" in the above scenario is? Just me. I'm still not all that comfortable in my skin yet as a single person. I didn't do a lot of long relationship dating when I was single a thousand years ago, being able to tell fairly quickly if the man in question was someone I was interested in or not. I never really dated just to have someone to hold... and that's probably not going to start now either. So, the transition. How does one do that?
I sure as hell don't know. So, I flounder, flopping like a fish between the me that was a part of an "us" and the me that is just... me. I think I liked me better as a part of an "us". I'm too much even for myself and yet I am feeling not very enough for myself or any one else - like not quite enough lemon juice and sugar for a lemon aid, but too astringent and not quite sweet enough on my own.
I know I am more of an introvert than I let myself acknowledge when I was last single, but I think I need more people contact than I thought - or someone with whom to work through the thoughts running around in my brain.
My friend P and her husband T have been taking me around to the sights and tastes of Hawaii. It really is a pretty place, and it's fun to play tourist for a bit. Then I go back to my cottage and I am spinning around in my space, in my head, and I feel lost still. Who am I? What am I? What do I want from myself? I don't know if those answers ever get answered, or if they do, they don't get answered for long, do they? We constantly change and evolve and grow.
So, goodbye old me. Hello to new me - whomever you are... I'll love you too, eventually.
Post Script: A few hours after I posted the above I was awakened with a thought... D's regular comment in the face of my struggle though something difficult. "It's our next adventure," he'd say, "we'll get to discover something great with this one." I am not great with the completely unknown, just having a little bit of a framework helps me immensely, and the above thought always helped me manage though.
It's an adventure, and there is yet to be something great.
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