Adventuring again.

Blogger is being a pain and not letting me upload photos.  I am not a fan of this, but I need to write and write I shall.  I am currently in Hawaii.  The Big Island.  I should be having the best time ever: SUN!  SAND!  VOLCANOES!  UNFAMILIAR TROPICAL FOODS!  Unfortunately, I am having the most un-fun time ever.  I cannot get out of my head.  I am struggling, struggling, struggling. 

I know it's only been a few days here, but I kind-of hate it.  Or I kind of hate me.  Or something.  I don't know.  This is truly the first time in awhile that there is not one thing that I must be doing, I am just be-ing and I suck at it.

Here's what I am struggling with... I've always thought of myself as a loyal person, and I am - but how is it that only nine months past my husband's death that I am allowing myself to even imagine a life that contains another man?  How is it that I've been considering it for a few months now?  Do I not miss him?  I do!  I do, so much - but honestly, only when I allow myself to think about him.  What is wrong with me?  How can I have loved so much, in such a real and solid way and have it turn to the air - all ethereal and unreal?

Maybe it's just the whole idea of loving someone who isn't present to receive it?  I don't know what the after-life consists of... I think there is one - but if it's simply existing in God's presence or going somewhere else to work out the stuff we didn't here, or what, I can't tell you.  I just know that I've not 'felt' my spouse visit since about mid-October.  It feels like a very long time... and I do miss him.  However, I've said to friends that I don't think I would go back to the last few years and relive them.  They've been hard years.  Just the sheer force of will to prop him up, the years of fear of losing him.  The day he died I had the thought that "we absolutely must do something else because I was exhausted" solidified itself in my head about a minute before I found out that he was already gone... the day my life changed forever - again.

I have done it.  I have, survived and I have made something for myself.  But there are no boundaries here; I can do anything and be anything and all of the entire world is open to me, and I am rather uncomfortable with it.  I like to have a few rules to rail against, a defined role to work within and outside of - and I am a little lost.

I was great as a wife.  I really was.  I adored being a spouse, the meet-er of needs - but what the hell am I now?  There are a whole range of things I could be, but very few defined. 

I am so blessed to have friends I can process this loss and a regaining of life with.  I just ended a phone call from my friend.  She's had a really heavy loss as well, and it's nice to talk to someone who has cut a path through grief to "normalcy" (whatever that is).  It's good to have a sounding board.  So, this is where I am right now:  As for future romantic relationships?  I do know what I want... I want commitment, but not necessarily marriage.  My life, my work is messy and has some limitations, so I don't know that I want to live with anyone, but I am open to that too should the right situation come up.  I want a friend, someone to rely on and who can rely on me, and I want monogamy in that relationship.  Beyond those few boundaries I am open - nothing is forever defined and both people and situations change.

I am hopeful that I can go out tomorrow and experience some more Hawaii and have a better adventure.  I am hopeful that there is a person with whom I can share life and share love with and that he'll come around soon... and I am ok if that process takes longer than I would really like it to, too. 

I am also hopeful that Blogger lets me load photos, because it really is pretty here.