It's been quite awhile since my last post, and I am only a little sorry about that.
It seems to be my experience that when God is working on my heart, there are times when being open about it is helpful and times when I really feel lead to shut up. I guess these last few weeks have, after a fashion been in the 'shut up' category.
I can tell that this happens when I sit down to write and all of the problem and none of the solution fly out of my fingers. When the words expressed here don't even come close to lightening my heart - which makes me think that they won't lighten anyone else's either... and I am burdened to pray more and seek more of the grace of my Savior. Sometimes, I just need His still and quiet voice.
God has been doing stuff in me and bringing people to my life who are amazing about speaking both grace and accountability to me directly. This walk, our lives, can be difficult and treacherous and it's such an honor to have friends who come along side to help one make it to the next point or who see you falter and say, "don't go that way, you've done that, follow the path, you are turning somewhere dangerous". What a grace to have people who will love you enough to help you set limits and boundaries and desire to help you stay within them. I am ever blessed.
Recently, there has been a change in my heart and a vision for a deeper relationship with God than I had anticipated. It's not that I didn't think I was deserving, but I guess I didn't know that this new depth was really possible. There is an adventure here and a call to lean on Jesus even further.
I've made a new friend, deepened other friendships and reconnected with people who have been influences in my life in the past and continue to be gracious influences in my continued walk with God... and amazingly? I feel joy, deep peaceful joy.
This winter has been really tough on me. I don't know if it was the first Christmas away from my family and without David that plunged me towards the depths of despair, but December was a really tough month. But there has been opportunity to explore some of this and process some of this and pray for the situation and find healing and hope within the shadows. Somehow, the anxiousness and fear has subsided and the chasm of loneliness is being filled. This path, as Joan is so good about reminding me, is a journey and I need to cultivate patience. And she's right! It is a step-by-step process that is similar to tending a garden. A garden doesn't go from an unbroken state to lush and inviting in a day. Gardens take time, and there are many steps in the process, and some of those steps are painful, some are back breaking, some are hopeful, most are exhausting, and it's a never ending journey. Even the most well tended garden is, in fact, tended. Weeds sprout up, as plants grow some need to be moved to get the best conditions for their survival and so they can thrive. It never, ever is complete - but each stage is brings moments of satisfaction and beauty. The anticipation and vision being brought towards fulfillment even if it's not completion. It's a blessing to say that I'll never get "there" - to completion. But I find there are plants already growing, surprising me with their scent or color or flower. And in my messy unfinished garden of a heart, there is beauty that blesses, a view that encourages, a scent that inspires. What a gift I am given to see God's truly amazing grace working in and through me. I am so excited for this process - and yes, impatient... but that is one of the weeds that are being worked out of my garden. What grace that is provided when I allow His tending of my messy and overgrown heart.
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