Wherein I expose my Achilles Heel...

It's the evening after a two day stint of selling my food product and it was an exceptionally profitable and excellent weekend.  Most weeks, these days of selling are a pleasure, I love my customers.  I love meeting people from all over the world (literally) and sharing with them my talent for production and the gentle compelling of a seller to a buyer, as well as building relationships with my regular customers - it brings me joy.  Most of the time, people come to my booth simply because they are interested in my food product.  But sometimes, they come because they need to be cared about, or they need their ass kicked, or to be listened to and heard.  It's how I view my business, as a portion of ministry in feeding people what they need, even if they don't make a purchase from me.  I'm also starting to see that this business will likely be a financial feeder to a ministry in which I believe I am being called to serve.  Goodness, in ministry again.

Tonight however, I am exhausted: emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have been sitting on my couch since after dinner tonight, searching for worship songs to play to feed my soul and it is at this low point I realize, again that I could do it.  I could walk away from my re-found faith in effort to be loved and cherished.  I could give away my heart again to a man who is not enough - or I am not enough for - so I didn't feel so lonely.  I could.  It would be so very easy.

You know what, though?  I don't want to.  I don't want to walk away.  I don't want to do it again. 

I loved being married.  I was good at it too.  As well, David was a spectacular husband.  He really was stunningly good at tenderness and care.  I couldn't have picked a better man if I had tried, and I both learned a lot and taught a lot about relationships with him.  The problem was that he wasn't a believer in Jesus, and I walked away from a call to ministry to be loved and cherished. 

Now here I am, and my heart is burdened again with a call to ministry that I do not yet understand fully, and as such I am not ready to act on the call.  Though I am rather lonely, I don't want to walk away again because my heart is weak.  And it is so very weak.  I don't know how to get filled up so I am not so damned lonely.  Sigh.  I am weak and small.  I spend a lot of time in prayer and worship and feeling overwhelmed by the natural need to be cherished and the even deeper need of the love of God in my life.  I am so aware of all of the parts of myself I am holding back and I am lost as to how to trust those things in my life to God.  I am working on letting go... one of the many oxymorons of Christianity.

So, here I am again: I am a little adrift.  I have a desire and yet, not the spiritual maturity to guide myself into whatever the next stage of belief follows, let alone the ministry that follows.  I need a pastor.  I need someone who can push and guide me.  Sadly, I haven't one available at the moment.  I was hit with the sad realization today that the consistent, kind, and near pastoral contact with my friend who has been encouraging me and guiding me in the faith and in friendship will soon be much less available because of the circumstances of our knowing each other.  I am realizing that I need to again be more self reliant in my relationship with God, and I know I don't have the maturity spiritually to do it alone.

It's frustrating.  I find that I am able to easily advise and encourage others because it's a natural gift.  But ministry?  Ministry takes stuff out of you that if you aren't getting fed enough will suck you dry.  I remember.  I don't yet have enough of a spiritual structure to really delve into ministry yet and if I were to do it now, I would fold like a house of cards - and not in a good way - I wouldn't fold into the submission of God, I would fold into the self.  I would do something stupid and likely walk away from my faith again.  I am so very, very human.

I need prayer.  I need guidance.  I need to pray for myself too.  If you are able, please pray for me that God will fill me up; that what I am being called to do is made clear; and that I will be equipped to answer the call and do it.  If you would like prayer too, please let me know here or privately via facebook.

Much love and care to you, Dear Reader.