Whew. It's been two weeks since I wrote here last. I keep a journal that I write in nearly every day which has contained so much of my thought process. It's been quite the adventure here on Mulberry Street.
As I mentioned in the last few posts, I have returned to my faith. I've been working that out with fear and trembling (read: respect, honor, a bit of actual fear and a lot of hope). It's not been an easy road... it continues to not be an easy road, but easy doesn't really mean better - in my opinion - and the hard-won battles seem to be the most satisfying for me.
I've been experiencing JOY again. After losing my husband - my best friend, lover, person I cared most for in the world - I don't know if I would have guessed that I could have found that again. I've found a happiness that I wasn't sure that I could recapture - I've developed a few dear friendships that have been challenging, encouraging, worthwhile, and healthy. Each of them has been encouraging me in my faith, which in and of itself is just stunning. I hope you have that, or find that if you seek it. I am (again) so aware that I am ever-blessed.
I had a conversation with my mom earlier this week, also a believer, who asked how my relationship with Jesus is different than before the 15 year break I'd experienced. It's something that I'd been thinking about a bit too.
In a lot of ways, it is the same, in a lot of ways it is very different. I think it's different because I am different. Growing up in the faith, relationship with Jesus was easy - it was easy because that was all I knew. Faith, believing that God would come through, that my needs would be met. Now I am aware of the choices and sacrifices of my faith. Before, I was so in love with Jesus, but in a child-like way, an immature way. Now, I am falling in love again. I'm falling in love with Jesus in a way that is astounding. I understand intimacy now. I understand the depth of relationship. I am falling in love with Jesus who has always been in love with me. We love him because he first loved us.
I guess I perceive that being away from the intimacy of my faith as good for me - well, looking back it was good for me, who knows where I'd be if I had stayed connected, who knows who I'd be - but there were things I learned by believing I needed to be self-reliant. I can't really articulate that process or the lessons well. I can project who I'd be now based on who I was then, but I am wise enough to know that there are lessons I might have learned if I had kept that intimacy with Jesus. But I know I am where I am now because this is where I am meant to be.
Ten weeks ago, I could have never guessed that I'd be here, so far away from 'here' I was that religious programming on TV, on the radio, by friends on Facebook actually angered me. I didn't think about why too much, but I think the reason was conviction. Ten weeks later, I feel like I am praying much of my day. My heart is soft. I crave worship. I want to talk about aspects of faith and what following Jesus means. Don't get me wrong, I talk about plenty of other things too, but I want to connect based on this relationship and bringing comfort.
I am still in nearly constant prayer over a situation I can't control, but I have so much less anxiety about it now. I don't know how it will work out, but I believe it will - and it doesn't matter which way it works out either - despite my desire. I think there will be a long road ahead and it might be rather rocky as well, and I think it'll be painful for awhile - no matter what the resolve. But I have faith that as I seek God and keep my relationship true and connected, I'll get my needs met - and that the needs in the situation will be met, that there'll be abundantly more than I could ask or think.
I guess that being in love, one wants to spend as much time with the object of one's affection as possible. That's how I feel about spending time with Jesus... reading books, studying the Bible, finding ways to understand walking my faith out more, worship, taking time to listen. The things that are put on my heart to pray or intercede for are an honor to spend time on. The opportunities to talk about faith and relationship with Jesus excite me. It's a great place to be, it's a fun place to be.
I've said before that I hope I keep this level of excited anticipation in this relationship. I realize, like in all relationships that one makes choices towards intimacy by being open, by pursuing and challenging, by having expectations and communicating, by clarifying when one doesn't understand, by being gracious, and understanding of our partner. With regard to a relationship with God, with Jesus my experience is that I also have to be gracious with myself. Maybe that's true in human to human relationships as well. Regardless, I endeavor to pursue this relationship excitedly, tenderly, openly and full of trust... my partner being omniscient, omnipresent, and well, God. Funny how that works.
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