How do I let go of something that I don't want to let go of, something that feels like the best thing to come along in years because it is the 'right' thing to do?
I pray that the desire for this is taken away. I ask that my heart change. I ask that my desire for this thing is turned into whatever is appropriate for the situation. I beg for my desire to change - or that the situation changes. I beg a lot. I weep when I am alone, when I find myself thinking about it, I wake up in tears. I find myself on my knees in both actuality and in my heart. I hold on so tightly while willing myself to let go. Clearly, I am about as affective as a toddler who needs a nap.
Do you ever find yourself here? Do you ever wonder how to get over situations, or how to understand what God's will is for you where you want something that is not likely to go the way you wish? I do. Gosh, I do.
When I can't get peace, when I can't get clarity, I try to turn the thing on it's ear. What should I be learning here? Because, let's be honest? God isn't cruel. So, what am I supposed to be learning here that I am not learning? Or what am I not letting go of that I need to release?
I start to realize that my pleading turns into seeking more from God. I want Jesus to meet my needs - even if I don't get what I think I really want. Which turns into me realizing that maybe, just maybe the struggle I am going through is tailored for just that activity. Maybe my seeking release in the situation I am praying about draws me closer to the Jesus with whom I am wanting a deeper relationship.
I don't know. I suppose one of the goofy things about my brain is that I am always looking for answers, and reasons as to why I am the way I am, why situations are what they are... and how to improve.
So, yeah. Do I have release? No. Are things better? No. Am I in a better place? Yeah, I think I am. If there is a reason to struggle, I am happy to struggle. The purpose of the thing might not be the result.
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