Sometimes

Tomorrow is 4 1/2 years since my beloved person took his life and changed my title from Mrs to widow (such an ugly word).  Today I am sad.

There is no one to notice that I am sad.  I have pushed everyone away.... just far enough where they feel close, but no one notices how much I am hurting.

Sometimes I wonder why I am here, how is it I have survived without him.  Sometimes I wish I could just not feel the hurt and the hardness in my heart.  Sometimes I wish I weren't a soft marshmallow at inconvenient times, that I didn't over react to things, that I wasn't seen as a ridiculous person when the emotions snap me into their traps.  Sometimes I wish I were as strong as people think I am.  Sometimes it would be nice to actually be that strong.  Sometimes it would be nice to be caught up when I fall apart.

Sometimes I know that I can (and should... and often do) lean on God.  I know I should let God take all of my hurts and bring healing to my heart.  Sometimes I don't know how to do that.  I even say that to other people - to let God take those things.  I sometimes know how, and sometimes I don't.  Maybe because holding on to this heartache makes me feel like I had something worth missing, once.

Four and a half years later, I can be honest and say that sometimes I forget, sometimes I don't feel sad or heartbroken, or messed up.  But today, I can't be honest and say those things.  Sometimes I wish the memories of how good it was would go away so I wouldn't be missing something that I can't have now... and that maybe I will have in the future, but maybe not.  Sometimes I think it's ok to be alone.  Sometimes it isn't ok.  Either way it goes, I don't get to know which it will be now...I'll have to wait and see.

Either way, sometimes I know that God has this, has me, no matter what the outcome.  And sometimes that's enough.