I heard so much from so many Writer/Speakers that I had identified with - so many of us are wounded by the church in it's various forms and so many of us are unsure where we fit in the church as it stands.
I have been thinking about that a bit lately - after my own 15 year church hiatus and return - where do I fit in? Do I? If so, how? I still really don't have the answer there but I have a few thought about being away and how not to forsake the gathering of the saints (Paul's note to the early church).
In my mid-20s, I was really lucky to be a part of a group of Christians who wanted to reach the under-served alternative culture in Minneapolis. The ministry was loosely tied to Y.W.A.M. (Youth with a Mission) and the loosely affiliated offshoot Steiger Ministries and NoLongerMusic. I was the 'normal' looking girl in a crowd of alternatives. I fit in at 'regular church' on the outside, but not on the inside. In the early 90s, Christians didn't shave their heads, have tattoos, pierce things other than women's ears - and those things were indicative of a different way of thinking and a outward way to show how different we felt. We were on the edge. For me, this group of people were looking for an authenticity they weren't seeing in the 'regular' church. They wanted something more.
In a way, I am glad to see that being 'not regular' and not looking normal has become a bit more accepted in Christian Culture, but I'm dismayed to see that the problem still exists that people who aren't regular still question where they fit in the Church. We're missing it somewhere.
Ok, I'm 20 years older, and yeah, I'm still the 'normal' looking girl whenever I am among the alternative - but I don't think that my heart has changed. I want a level of authenticity that I am so excited to say I find in the church body I am a part of... but I wonder after hearing so many stories last weekend of how people are questioning their place, if I am unusual in finding this here.
And, if we're not finding it, why aren't we CREATING it? Why aren't we creating the kind of community that questions? One of my favorite Christian leaders used to say that if you see a problem, God is calling you to pray for the situation and then to DO something about it. I agree with that.
Maybe the problem isn't with the 'regular' church, but the problem is that those of us who feel differently aren't creating the kind of community we need. Clearly we are not alone. I sat in community with a whole room full of people who felt like they fit in... finally... in that community. I loved watching the agreement and unity I saw there. My heart was healed a bit more because of that experience.
I don't know a whole lot for absolute certain. I don't. When it comes to my faith, I know Christ and Him crucified. I do not have it together. I often swear in my prayers. I get frustrated and talk to God like I talk to my closest friends, with words that have impact. The first time my Nuke heard me pray that way out of frustration, his eyebrows met his hairline. After our prayer, I asked him if he was offended by it. He said he was surprised more than offended. We talked about why I felt comfortable praying like that, and I told him that God heard me talk to everyone else, and he already KNEW I used that kind of language (I do so love ALL the words), so why wouldn't I pray the way I talk to my best friend - if I really do want Him to be my best friend?
Perhaps that's just it. We put on the dog for God. We have this idea of who we're supposed to be, this Godly person who has stuff together, or we feel we must wrap our doubt and faithlessness in a very Christian bow of "God's will" or "The Lord will provide" or whatever Christian truism that feels appropriate for the momentary situation and appears to give either comfort or surety (in my opinion, often falsely).
I don't want to be that kind of Christian. If I am struggling, I am going to be honest about it. I am going to be honest with God who knows anyway, and can hear me and will act on me as he sees fit. He can change my heart or he can change my circumstance. He is GOD, after all.
This is the type of community I want to foster. This real, ugly sometimes, happy sometimes, blessed all the time type of Christian community that struggles with faith but rests in the fact that a LOVING God gave everything to have authentic relationships with us.
I WANT TO CONTINUE TO STRUGGLE WITH MY CHRISTIANITY. How's that! I don't want to have it all together. I don't want to be comfortable. I want God to be challenging me all the time so that I feel off-kilter, stressed, concerned, working out my faith with fear and trembling and in the middle of all of that, I want to rest in the Peace that Passes All Understanding. I want to be in the kind of relationship that causes me to communicate with God, to seek Jesus, to have him find me Just As I Am.
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