Thanksgiving

Oh, dear friends.  What a merciful God we have.

I pursue most things in my life doggedly until I have a depth of understanding or a grasp on the thing so that then I might then relax in the depth of knowledge attained.  My relationship with God has been no different - I've been pursuing personal purity and wholeness and holiness like it has been my job.

I've wanted to fall in love with Jesus in a way I'd heard other people talk about, the depth of which I'd not ever achieved in my personal relationship with Him.  That's been my prayer of late: Teach me to fall in love with you.  And it is about time spent and listening to the object of affection and allowing Him to influence my life in the way that I would let a friend do.

Today is Thanksgiving Day.  I awoke today to a plan change and in prayer for the reason for my plan change.  Then I spent the morning doing a bit of work after reading some in my Bible and praying for a few friends in difficult situations.  I spoke to my mom, sisters, nieces, nephews and my brother-in-law - all of whom I love very much but am unlikely to see for a year.  Then I went to a new acquaintance's house for Thanksgiving dinner and, as we do on Thanksgiving ate too much.  Upon arriving home, I started to ache in loneliness.  I miss having a 'someone' to share my days and nights, my triumphs and trials, my sorrows and joys with and a someone is not in the immediate offing.

It would be easy to have fallen into a pity party.  I've done it so often in the last 19 months, the woe of woe is me, the sitting in my sack cloth and ashes.  Instead, I cried out to God.  I was honest with where I was.  I was open and vulnerable and ached and blubbered and asked for him to fill me. Please fill me with some kind of hope.  And do you know what?  He did.  I wish I could describe with any kind  words that might make sense to the type of experience it was.

Afterwards, I picked up my guitar and bawled through worship songs, my tender heart soft in praise.  I am so thankful that when I reach out to Jesus, I am met.  It's not been an easy road and it's not always been pleasant, but I am at a place where I feel confident that when I need Him (every day, every moment) that I am met.  It's not that I am so special, but I am doggedly pursuing a deeper and deeper relationship with Jesus.  I don't ever want anything or anyone to come before that relationship.

The point of the post, friends, is that if you want it, you can have this too.  I don't know if your relationship with Jesus will look like mine, I've known other people who've had relationships different than mine but no less deep - we each as individuals have different needs - but I know if you seek Him, He will be found by you.  And today, I am so very thankful that it is so true.

Inside Out.

God, Bless Joan.

I showed up to worship practice last week with nothing.  And when I say nothing, I mean it. I had come to the end of my everything.  I had absolutely nothing to give - to myself even.  The thing I'd been hiding was unable to be hidden any longer and the truth of it all came tumbling out into her arms.  I confessed.  I was turned inside out.

I don't know if you've ever had an accountability person, but I was gifted one last week.  And thank GOD that I was, because I needed one.  She didn't let me play it off.  She didn't let me obscure it.  She pushed at me to be honest and open and accountable and I was.

I've a road ahead of me, it's not going to be especially easy, but it's full of Grace.  Because like everyone else, I struggle with sin.  Because it's really not germane to the conversation, I won't reveal the specifics of it here, but we all struggle with sin, don't we?  Or, am I alone in being the sole broken follower of Jesus?  Somehow, I don't think I am.  I guess we can all look at our lives and acknowledge that there is sin there that we might not be able to examine and confess, but when we are able to and when we do, I hope it is met with peace and grace as I was.  A lot of the time when we look at the opportunity to confess, to bare our souls it is terrifying (I know it was for me).  What I am surprised to find out is that it's terrifically freeing.  Plus?  Biblical:

James 5: 16, 19-20
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whomever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

Confession and accountability are important.  God wants to work in us, and through us.

It's now just been a week since my confession.  Though I still struggle with some of the emotional consequences of my sin (and the confession) I have been flooded with peace.  Just today I feel like I've walked through a door from shame and embarrassment to a place where I can see the purpose of releasing this thing I've been holding onto.  God has been meeting me in my daily study, there have been words of encouragement and support.  There's been hope for my future.

I don't know what it is that God is calling me to fully yet, but I feel like the last vestiges that were holding me back from finding out are gone.  It's been awhile since I've felt settled, but I feel settled and on the verge of being stirred up again for the next adventure in following Jesus.

I hope you enjoy the same freedom and the same adventure.

And up until now in this blog, I've not offered this which has been remiss on my part.  If you have not found salvation through Jesus, may I offer to you the opportunity to know Him?  It's as simple as accepting a gift, as honest as saying "I've failed.  I need you, Jesus.  I need the salvation you've paid for by your death and resurrection.  Please fill me up."

By the way, if you are praying that for the first time or again and want to talk with someone?  Find me.  I check the comments here.  I'd love to talk with you, one sinner saved by Grace to another.

Speak to me.

I've never really been good at studying the Bible on my own.  I don't know if I am too literal, or if the writing style is just dry to me or what, but I have always sat in awe of those who read a verse and get something profound and deep and applicable to their lives or situations. 

I've always been the follower who gets SO MUCH out of a sermon.  I love it when friends show me a scripture reference that they have had some insights into which touched them.  It touches me too.  Here's the thing though, I want to get my own insights.  I want God to touch me too through his word, I want to hear something direct.

This week, I've been really seeking how to fall in love with Jesus.  I don't know how to express it, but I want a deeper relationship, and the default in my relationship isn't with Jesus, it's with me... so how do you fall in love?  Yeah, I don't know either.  Except I think it's intentional spending time with someone and seeing and appreciating who they are.

So, I've been intentional and reading the Bible, praying, worshiping.  Still, the Bible has been dry and *sigh* didn't speak to me much.  I've used Bible studies - books written by other people who have gotten some insight in a topic or another.  Don't get me wrong, I get stuff and I am blessed by the words on paper, but I want MY OWN.  (I'm so selfish)  And because I do, I keep trying.

So this morning, I wake up.  I stretch.  I reach over to grab my Bible and last night I'd decided I'd start with the book of Luke, wherein my pastor had taken a reference on Sunday and I liked it so... I thought I would start there.  Chapter 1, le sigh.  Chapter 2, nada.  Pbbbbt.

Urgh.

Why can't *I* have some deep insight into SOMETHING, God.  Why can't you speak to ME too?  Why I can't get something for me out of your Word.  Please speak to me here?  I just want to know what you want to say to me.  I want to fall in love with you like I see other people fall in love with you.  Please speak to me.

And no kidding, I wrote the above in my journal and my eyes alight on Jeremiah 3:33 that was also referenced in Sunday's sermon.  I remember that it's a verse that I wanted to look at again.  So I go to turn there and read.

Except I don't really turn there.  I turn to Jeremiah 33.  And I start reading.  And I start crying.  And I am touched... by words that are the words *I* need. 

I don't mean this to sound trite, but it's going to... sometimes the answer comes when you don't expect it to come.  I do know that God meets our needs, he meets my needs... and I believe he'll meet your needs.  Take time to ask.  Take time to listen.... especially the listen part. 

And Then Comes Peace...

Today, peace arrived.  It came on the heels of another bout of tears, which came on the heels of some difficult news and boundary setting.

Peace arrived while on my knees, and with the clarity of the familiar.  The blade of Truth cut through the crap I've let build around my heart in expectation and demand.  The fresh air of it both refreshing and intimidating.  Another piece of the puzzle was being delivered and placed which changed and enhanced the picture of what is being created in me.

A breakthrough, a plan, a call came today.  I am full of relief and peace.

I am putting this here as a placeholder for when I forget.  My personal journal contains the details for myself, this post is intended for a reference point for when my heart is weary and my way gets obscured. 

This post is intended to give hope. 

I know that there are others of you who are struggling with a few different things right now.  I want you to be encouraged that though we struggle there is peace.  I want you to be encouraged with me. 

This life with Jesus that we have accepted, this walk that we choose is never going to be easy.  Every day it's going to be hard, and every day we will to some extent fail.  This is the blessing of forgiveness.  If anyone tells you that this is easy, they are lying to you.  Yes, his burden is light - yet it's still a burden... and there is peace.  There is joy in the journey.  There is hope in Jesus.  There is love abundant.  There is need of patience - both with ourselves, with God, with others.  There are opportunities to be kind.  God is gentle with us.  In our walk we learn self-control, because we rely on God's boundaries. 

Thank you for being patient with me in my struggle.  Thank you for reading here and for sharing with me what you are struggling with, so that we can encourage each other in Jesus.

Broken

I am broken.  I am a mess.  I am lost and desperate.  It's kind-of a good place.

I'm struggling to find a way to explain this to my non-Churchy friends... but this place of brokenness brings me a desperation to have a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I know that there is an answer to my heartache and desperation that is contained in my relationship with God.  I know what there is a plan, answers, and comfort contained in that relationship - I've experienced it before, over and over again.

Again I am here, on my knees; desperate and searching for the comfort that only a deeper relationship with Jesus can provide.  I read what I write and I realize how difficult a concept this is and the closest I can compare it to is falling in love with someone.  How as you go deeper into your relationship with the person you are craving just knowing them better comforts you, excites you, energizes you, softens you... and you find you want to expose your vulnerabilities in the trustworthy person.  You want them to see all of your flaws and defects, your lack and failures to see if they can handle who you see yourself as in your lowest and basest form.  If you are exceptionally blessed, that person sees you as a beautiful creation anyway... they love you even more because of your flaws.  THAT, my friends, is what a real relationship with Jesus is, in my experience.

Is it any wonder I am desperate for more depth and more intimacy?

There have been a few things that have really touched me in the last few days as true and like Edmund in "The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader" when Aslan cuts the dragon's body off of him, have cut my heart so deeply and have been peeling layer, after layer, after layer off of me - things that are holding me back from depth of intimacy. 

I wrote the above a few days ago.  I've been talking to my friend J, my friend G, my MIL, and my sister and asking them to pray for me.  I've been seeking God, again, more.  I want depth and intimacy.

IF YOU KNOW GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU... don’t be surprised if you are put through fires that expose weaknesses in your character. This is God’s mercy at work in your life. If He placed you in a powerful position without first removing the dross from your life, that defect would show up later and cripple your work or ministry. Thank God for the fiery experiences that cause you to see the character defects in your life so they can be dealt with and removed! -- RICK RENNER (copied from his FaceBook status)

So, there is stuff that is happening in me, the refining process is working and it's (to be honest) insanely painful and yet peaceful.   I wish I could express all of it in a way that makes any sort of sense, but I can't yet.  I'm sure I'll edit it later.

Choosing My Solace

I'll be honest.  I've been going through some stuff the last few weeks.  I've been going through some stuff and I have been struggling.  I'll admit that instead of having trust that God will meet my needs, I've been letting my feelings about my circumstances dictate my moods, which isn't all that a) healthy,  b) productive,  c) fun.  I don't really want to spend time with myself and I don't blame anyone else who feels the same.

If you ask me why I'm confessing it here, well, I guess I am because maybe someone can identify with me, or maybe you have some advice, or maybe you want to pray for me - all are welcome.

I'm doing everything I know how to do to improve my mood and attitude.  I'm being intentional, I'm keeping myself busy, I'm praying and doing a lot of bible study.  I'm reaching out to others when I feel like I shouldn't be alone.  I also know that I've just been going through a lot of transition and I am trying to be gracious with myself. On top of that, and maybe the most important part?  I've been seeking God to refine me - to take the parts of me that aren't pleasing and to burn them off.  It's been a pretty steady and smoky fire here.

I've heard other Christians call this refining 'the dark night of the soul', or 'going through the valley' and I know that I have been here before.  It doesn't suck any less though, and I've been working on how to focus on the "God is answering my prayer and changing me" aspect of this. 

True to most things God related in my life?  When I let go, the answers finally come.  This morning while doing some procurement I was listening to the local Christian radio station.  A woman there was talking about how God uses difficulty in our lives to shake us so that which we are relying on that is not Him is shaken away.  I don't really know why, but the thought gives me comfort.

If I look at the stuff that is happening in my world as God shaking loose the stuff I am relying on that isn't Him and see what it is I am clinging to, I feel comforted.  Why?  Because all I want to do most of the time is pray and seek God.  My prayer most of the time is: "If this isn't you, take it.  All I want is you."  The other part of the time my prayer is: "Comfort and protect me, Lord - and USE me." 

I understand how ridiculous I sound.  I'm simply a messy, messy human being who is seeking God to work in her life and for God to work through her life.  I want that more than I want anything else.  So, if the rest of it is shaken free?  So be it.  God will meet my needs.  Perhaps my faith isn't just this struggling thing I think it is - perhaps like Job's faith it's just being tested and refined. 

I am clinging to my God, my comfort and solace.  I know who God is and I trust that He will act according to who He says He is.

The Struggle For Release...

It's supposed to be hard.  If it weren't hard, everyone would do it.  It's the hard that makes it great. - Jimmy Duggan, A League of Their Own

I went to a therapist this week, after unburdening myself she said, "It sounds like you are in the middle of a birthing process."  I agree.

I am in the midst of transition - that part of the birthing process where (I'm told) you don't want to do this anymore, but you really, really don't have a choice.  Thankfully, I understand that this comes at the end of the birthing process.... which then means you have a tiny infant who is wholy dependent on you to care for, and that's another whole ball of wax... but I digress - and will write about that later I am absolutely sure of it.

This is hard.  I'm not sure why it's so hard, but it is.  Is it because I am struggling to let go of understanding how things work out?  I think I've mentioned in past posts that if I understood the plan fully, I would want to control the why and the how - and it's something that I really do need to let go to God's plan and way of working it out.

So, why does the thought of this bring me peace?  I don't know.  I absolutely want to rest in my relationship with God.

I wrote the above this morning.  It is now nearly bedtime and I think that while it was a good spot, I needed to get to the place I am now - and I am going to need to be remind of this again and again because it's where I want to live.

Over and over God talks about taking care of us, that His grace is sufficient, that His mercy is new every morning.  That He takes care of birds, He clothes the lilies of the field - and how much more will He take care of us, His children.  What if my answer to God was, "Yes, and amen."?  What if I could live in this place of thankfulness? 

There is a place of peace, there is a place of grace where I want to live.  God wants us there too, in this place.  This place of release, the place of yes.