Broken

I am broken.  I am a mess.  I am lost and desperate.  It's kind-of a good place.

I'm struggling to find a way to explain this to my non-Churchy friends... but this place of brokenness brings me a desperation to have a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I know that there is an answer to my heartache and desperation that is contained in my relationship with God.  I know what there is a plan, answers, and comfort contained in that relationship - I've experienced it before, over and over again.

Again I am here, on my knees; desperate and searching for the comfort that only a deeper relationship with Jesus can provide.  I read what I write and I realize how difficult a concept this is and the closest I can compare it to is falling in love with someone.  How as you go deeper into your relationship with the person you are craving just knowing them better comforts you, excites you, energizes you, softens you... and you find you want to expose your vulnerabilities in the trustworthy person.  You want them to see all of your flaws and defects, your lack and failures to see if they can handle who you see yourself as in your lowest and basest form.  If you are exceptionally blessed, that person sees you as a beautiful creation anyway... they love you even more because of your flaws.  THAT, my friends, is what a real relationship with Jesus is, in my experience.

Is it any wonder I am desperate for more depth and more intimacy?

There have been a few things that have really touched me in the last few days as true and like Edmund in "The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader" when Aslan cuts the dragon's body off of him, have cut my heart so deeply and have been peeling layer, after layer, after layer off of me - things that are holding me back from depth of intimacy. 

I wrote the above a few days ago.  I've been talking to my friend J, my friend G, my MIL, and my sister and asking them to pray for me.  I've been seeking God, again, more.  I want depth and intimacy.

IF YOU KNOW GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU... don’t be surprised if you are put through fires that expose weaknesses in your character. This is God’s mercy at work in your life. If He placed you in a powerful position without first removing the dross from your life, that defect would show up later and cripple your work or ministry. Thank God for the fiery experiences that cause you to see the character defects in your life so they can be dealt with and removed! -- RICK RENNER (copied from his FaceBook status)

So, there is stuff that is happening in me, the refining process is working and it's (to be honest) insanely painful and yet peaceful.   I wish I could express all of it in a way that makes any sort of sense, but I can't yet.  I'm sure I'll edit it later.