I'll be honest. I've been going through some stuff the last few weeks. I've been going through some stuff and I have been struggling. I'll admit that instead of having trust that God will meet my needs, I've been letting my feelings about my circumstances dictate my moods, which isn't all that a) healthy, b) productive, c) fun. I don't really want to spend time with myself and I don't blame anyone else who feels the same.
If you ask me why I'm confessing it here, well, I guess I am because maybe someone can identify with me, or maybe you have some advice, or maybe you want to pray for me - all are welcome.
I'm doing everything I know how to do to improve my mood and attitude. I'm being intentional, I'm keeping myself busy, I'm praying and doing a lot of bible study. I'm reaching out to others when I feel like I shouldn't be alone. I also know that I've just been going through a lot of transition and I am trying to be gracious with myself. On top of that, and maybe the most important part? I've been seeking God to refine me - to take the parts of me that aren't pleasing and to burn them off. It's been a pretty steady and smoky fire here.
I've heard other Christians call this refining 'the dark night of the soul', or 'going through the valley' and I know that I have been here before. It doesn't suck any less though, and I've been working on how to focus on the "God is answering my prayer and changing me" aspect of this.
True to most things God related in my life? When I let go, the answers finally come. This morning while doing some procurement I was listening to the local Christian radio station. A woman there was talking about how God uses difficulty in our lives to shake us so that which we are relying on that is not Him is shaken away. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me comfort.
If I look at the stuff that is happening in my world as God shaking loose the stuff I am relying on that isn't Him and see what it is I am clinging to, I feel comforted. Why? Because all I want to do most of the time is pray and seek God. My prayer most of the time is: "If this isn't you, take it. All I want is you." The other part of the time my prayer is: "Comfort and protect me, Lord - and USE me."
I understand how ridiculous I sound. I'm simply a messy, messy human being who is seeking God to work in her life and for God to work through her life. I want that more than I want anything else. So, if the rest of it is shaken free? So be it. God will meet my needs. Perhaps my faith isn't just this struggling thing I think it is - perhaps like Job's faith it's just being tested and refined.
I am clinging to my God, my comfort and solace. I know who God is and I trust that He will act according to who He says He is.
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