Hope Into Faith

Faith.  I don't know if I have any.

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." in the New King James Version.  In the NIV, it is translated as: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Faith isn't the hoping part... it's the substance of the things, the confidence in the things in which we hope or the things for which we hope.  Right now, I don't have a lot of substance for the things I hope for in my life.  How's that for honest.

I want more out of life than I have options for right now.  For the first time in 18 months, I want a partner again.  For the first time in 16 years, I want someone other than David.  For the first time in I can't remember how long, I want God to be the picker of that man.  I want to find out the kind of man that God would pick for me.

When I was last here, when I last wanted God to be the picker of my husband, I think I was 20.  I had fallen for a man who I met through a ministry that I was working with as a staff member.  I was disappointed deeply.  Then, I suppose that in that disappointment I took the reigns.  Man, I really sucked at that in retrospect.  (Don't we, when we decide to take the reigns?)

There were a few of other men I cared about deeply in the seven years between my taking the reigns and my marriage.  I am now in my mid-40s and I am ready to see what it is that God has for me... WHO God has for me - and who I am here for.  Isn't that a change of perspective?  Who am I created to complete?

Truthfully, again I'll state it, my Achilles heel is my desire to love and be loved. I desire a worthy, Godly man to partner with and I desire to be a woman worthy of a Godly partner.  I'm chewing on this a lot lately.  I'm praying for this "someday" man because I am a lot of person to handle.  I hope he's a lot of person too.  I like to be a challenge and I like to be challenged.

I want something that I have seen in another friend's life.  He calls his girlfriend each morning and prays for her and leaves her a bible study on her voice mail.  In the evenings, most evenings, they talk and part of that time they discuss the bible study.  How wonderful to be husbanded in that fashion.  What a lovely way to be wooed.  He is intentional and specific and I have a lot of respect for him.

I hope that is something that I am able to experience in my relationship - my someday relationship.  I am holding onto the hope that I have that.  I am holding on to the hope that my someday man can pastor me and husband me in that fashion and that I can do the same for him.  That we have the type of give and take in a relationship that makes that type of partnership fun and challenging and a blessing.

So, I am full of hope.  I might not be at "faith" yet, but I have hope.  I am putting my hope in God that he has a plan.  To be sure, I am going to try to take the reins again and again and again because I like to have control.... and control is something that I do not give easily.  But I need to let God have His way, even though I really want to have mine... but I am choosing to have hope and believe that it will turn into faith, into substance.