The Aftermath of Cranberry

It's Sunday evening.  I just finished a three day weekend at work, so busy and so exhausting.  I'm worn to a fringe.

And I'm jealous.

I hate being jealous and so I am angry too.  Angry and jealous are not good looks on me.  I'm jealous because the world seems paired.  I'm jealous because the world seems paired and partners care for each other and there is no one who cares about me.  No one except God and it seems that God doesn't make dinners for us, not grab lunch when we are hungry and can't leave our booths, nor water.  There are no warm arms to rest in, no one to grab hold of, no one to fall apart with... it's just me and God who seems so far out there and not here and I still don't want to choose some insufficient human because God seems so very, very, very far away.

I know part of this is that I have had a hormonal shift and I'm getting to the age that my body needs more time to process that.  I know it is in part that I am exhausted.  In part I am lonely without a caring partner on the horizon, in part because I miss my husband who was in so very many ways my rock and rest.

But the truth is that I am jealous, and angry that I am jealous.

This man with whom I'd been speaking mocked me as I was willing to give him up because he is not a believer.  He suggested that it's better to not follow God and chase your needs.  I disagreed so we are not talking anymore... and I think it's a good thing, but it still stings.

So I still choose.  I still choose God's way over my own way, even though in the moment it is so hard.

I am glad that I don't know God's plan, because I'd do whatever I thought was best to get to what God has, and I know I am being pressed to trust him and trust that he has this all in hand.  I think I can do that, even if in the moment I get jealous and angry.  There is forgiveness for jealousy and anger.  I can trust.  I can trust a trustworthy God.

Even if it's so hard right now.  I can still choose.