In Need of Help...

Here I am again.

Dear Lord, I am such a mess.

Help.

Countless days after countless days after countless days my prayers start like this.  I don't know what I am doing.  I am lost, and broken, and messy.  I am frustrated, and alone, and hurting.  I am not enough and I will never, ever be enough.  I need your help again, God.  I need... what ever you have for me today.

Why do I think that I can do it on my own?  Why have I bought the bill of goods that Bible teachers have told me since I was small that relationship with you, God, makes everything ok?  Why do I think that if I have salvation, life will be easier?  Why do I think I won't struggle with pain or suffer loss because of my relationship with you?  Why DON'T you make everything in my life better like a magic pill or an incantation of some kind that gives me all of what I want and none of what I don't?

Why am I still alone?  Why haven't you brought someone to love me, someone for me to love?

Why do I feel messy inside?  Aren't you supposed to bring peace to me all the time?  Aren't I supposed to feel ok?  Isn't my life supposed to be better?

I just want to not hurt.  I just want to feel important again.  I want to be held and cherished - to hold and to cherish too.

Fix my life... fix my life so I don't need to cling desperately for you for every breath.

Sigh... that's the point though, isn't it?  I need to cling to you desperately for every breath.  The reason you've not miraculously fixed my circumstance is because you want relationship with me.  The reason... my life is messy, that I am messy is so I am aware of how much I need you.

Reading in Nehemiah 9 today.  The Israelites repent, turn to you, get comfortable in themselves and think they've got this, and turn away.... again and again.  And I do the same.

I don't WANT to be in a desperate place of need of you.  It's not comfortable for me.  I am self sufficient.  I can do it my way.  Things go well that way for awhile and then I realize that it's not going so well, or something happens that hurts me deeply and to the quick.

I turn to the things that I have found that can bring me comfort, or distraction, a temporary peace.  Then I realize that those things aren't working and so I run away from them and I am angry at you for not taking that distraction from me so that I don't feel the pain of what I am running from.  That anger puts a barrier in front of us again too. Oh, this cycle.

When will I realize that I just need to need you every day, God?  When will relationship with you be my habitat, my solace, my comfort?

When will I remember that even though I go through things, when things are hard, when I am stuck, you turn those circumstances into good things for me, or for others - even when I can't see it in the moment.  Help me to see?

I believe.  Help my unbelief.