Grief (part eleventy) and moving on and loneliness.

I'm doing ok, and then I'm not.

It is so hard, so unbelievably hard to miss someone like this.  I miss someone who got me in a way that so very few do, and I can't do anything at all to fix it.

I know that today's tears are connected to a few things:  My mom called today and we talked about him.  I'm at that point in my hormonal cycle where a low day is typical.  I didn't get accomplished what I wanted to do today.  A new man with whom I'd started conversing showed that his character wasn't worthy of me.  I found a photo that had been stuck in a book.  I could go on... but it's circumstantial.

I am impatient.  I am impatient with myself and I am impatient with God.  I'm very productive, huh?  I know that this is all a timing issue.  I've proven very little and it's just barely been six months back into the depth of faith - I am still rocky soil being churned... and the churn has slowed because the big surface rocks have been picked and tossed into the pile of forgiveness, and yet I am not quite fertile soil.  I don't know how long that takes, how many tests and trials nor how much digging and watering needs to happen before I am, but there we go.

Sigh.

I pray for my relationship with God to be enough for me.  I pray that He show me, work on ME to see Him and how much He loves me.  The issue is me.  I don't know if it's a good thing that it's a daily request or not...  But I am desperate for Him.

I like that I know who I am, I like that I actually like me.  God has blessed me with a lot of great stuff, and as it says, to whom much is given, much is required.  I'm wanting so much to be ready for whatever that is, whatever His plan is for my life.  I really want God to be enough, and yet I desire intimacy with another human being - with a man - which may not ever be fulfilled again.

It's a struggle that I am trying to be honest about because I know that I am not alone.  I WANT God to be enough.  I do.  But I am honest about the other aspects too.  I am a human woman.  I mean, in Genesis God says that it's not good that man be alone so he creates woman for him and makes her out of his side so they will cling together.  I want to cling to God, but I want to cling with someone to God.  My fear is that I've had mine and he went away.  My fear is that I will be single forever.

I know I am not the only single woman who has had that fear.  When I was single, before those nearly 15 years of marriage, I feared that I would never marry.  I find that fear is back and I think about this... is that my thorn in my side?  What if I not only shouldn't have been married, but that I never was to be married - and will never be married again.  I've been told that it's not something that I should think about, let alone worry about.  I'm told that if God has someone for me, He'll bring that man to me.

And when that's said I want to shout, "I KNOW!!"  and "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU ARE MARRIED."  It's a cold comfort to know that God has this in His plan - whatever it is... because I hurt now.  Because I am lonely now.  Because life is hard now.  I ache now.  I want things now.  ME!  Heh, I am a toddler.  I know it.

But, I am honest about it.  I am honest when I say that I am seeking God for change in my heart.  I am honest, and open, and vulnerable because this point of raw human is where I find that God reaches me, where I can accept where He has me now.  Being vulnerable isn't always pleasant, but I don't know how to be anything other than this.

So, single woman?  I get it.  You pray for me, I'll pray for you.  I'll pray that God have a spectacular man for you, who is worthy of you and partnering with you in marriage.  I hope you will pray that for me too... but above all else, let's pray for each other that God's will be done in our lives, marriage or not.  And let's pray for each other that we are fulfilled in our relationship with Jesus first, foremost and solidly.

Amen.