and I feel so alone.
Finances here haven't been as easy as I have let on and I am in a bit of trouble and everything is falling apart. I'm scared.
My life used to be a fairy tale, but the truth is, HE made it that way. He shouldered the burden for our life and I let him. He made it so easy to love him, and I did. Oh, I did. But he took care of everything, he took care of me.
Even in death, he left me life. And I am going to lose it all. And I am scared.
Not only is there a lack of love in my life, but I am going to loose everything I have.
I try to have faith, I know... I KNOW God loves me and I know he cares for me, and I know he'll take care of me.
Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Thursday, October 20, 2016
And so it goes...
I'm so sad.
I've woken up for the last few nights having dreamed about David... my late husband. I miss him so spectacularly. I miss everything. His eyes, that smile, the crooked bit of his two front teeth, his furry belly, his laugh... I can't actually remember his laugh. I can't remember his voice anymore... I try and it just flies away.
I so much want to move forward. I want to move forward but I am stuck.
I've woken up for the last few nights having dreamed about David... my late husband. I miss him so spectacularly. I miss everything. His eyes, that smile, the crooked bit of his two front teeth, his furry belly, his laugh... I can't actually remember his laugh. I can't remember his voice anymore... I try and it just flies away.
I so much want to move forward. I want to move forward but I am stuck.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Sometimes...it's ok to lose your sh*t.
Or, it's very clear that I have no idea what I am doing.
But really, does any of us?
I'm glad that I have some friends who really understand what a good thing it is to have someone how "gets it". God, please bless Marie.
So, four and a half years gone and I'm not doing too badly, except when I am. There are still things I would like to see different in my life, but it's a pretty good life. I'm away from people who love me by about half the country, but I have community where I am and that's good. I have a caring church body, and a few small groups of friends which hold me to accountability. I am healthy, strong, sufficient to the task when I am leaning on God's strength (which let's be honest, is me relying on His direction.)
So, it was a dark and stormy night in my soul, but this morning I am clearing just like the weather today. I'll survive this storm like I always do.... leaning heavily on God and the wonderful people in my life.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Sometimes
Tomorrow is 4 1/2 years since my beloved person took his life and changed my title from Mrs to widow (such an ugly word). Today I am sad.
There is no one to notice that I am sad. I have pushed everyone away.... just far enough where they feel close, but no one notices how much I am hurting.
Sometimes I wonder why I am here, how is it I have survived without him. Sometimes I wish I could just not feel the hurt and the hardness in my heart. Sometimes I wish I weren't a soft marshmallow at inconvenient times, that I didn't over react to things, that I wasn't seen as a ridiculous person when the emotions snap me into their traps. Sometimes I wish I were as strong as people think I am. Sometimes it would be nice to actually be that strong. Sometimes it would be nice to be caught up when I fall apart.
Sometimes I know that I can (and should... and often do) lean on God. I know I should let God take all of my hurts and bring healing to my heart. Sometimes I don't know how to do that. I even say that to other people - to let God take those things. I sometimes know how, and sometimes I don't. Maybe because holding on to this heartache makes me feel like I had something worth missing, once.
Four and a half years later, I can be honest and say that sometimes I forget, sometimes I don't feel sad or heartbroken, or messed up. But today, I can't be honest and say those things. Sometimes I wish the memories of how good it was would go away so I wouldn't be missing something that I can't have now... and that maybe I will have in the future, but maybe not. Sometimes I think it's ok to be alone. Sometimes it isn't ok. Either way it goes, I don't get to know which it will be now...I'll have to wait and see.
Either way, sometimes I know that God has this, has me, no matter what the outcome. And sometimes that's enough.
There is no one to notice that I am sad. I have pushed everyone away.... just far enough where they feel close, but no one notices how much I am hurting.
Sometimes I wonder why I am here, how is it I have survived without him. Sometimes I wish I could just not feel the hurt and the hardness in my heart. Sometimes I wish I weren't a soft marshmallow at inconvenient times, that I didn't over react to things, that I wasn't seen as a ridiculous person when the emotions snap me into their traps. Sometimes I wish I were as strong as people think I am. Sometimes it would be nice to actually be that strong. Sometimes it would be nice to be caught up when I fall apart.
Sometimes I know that I can (and should... and often do) lean on God. I know I should let God take all of my hurts and bring healing to my heart. Sometimes I don't know how to do that. I even say that to other people - to let God take those things. I sometimes know how, and sometimes I don't. Maybe because holding on to this heartache makes me feel like I had something worth missing, once.
Four and a half years later, I can be honest and say that sometimes I forget, sometimes I don't feel sad or heartbroken, or messed up. But today, I can't be honest and say those things. Sometimes I wish the memories of how good it was would go away so I wouldn't be missing something that I can't have now... and that maybe I will have in the future, but maybe not. Sometimes I think it's ok to be alone. Sometimes it isn't ok. Either way it goes, I don't get to know which it will be now...I'll have to wait and see.
Either way, sometimes I know that God has this, has me, no matter what the outcome. And sometimes that's enough.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
The impulse to clear out the stress...
I can't be the only one whom, when stressed, wants to just do anything to eliminate the things that are stressing me out.
Right now, that's people.
I know I am an introvert. I like that about me for the most part. I didn't like it when I was young, lonely, confused as to why I was lacking in the 'boy' department... I was confused why, when people seemed to like me, I was not dating and why I had so few friends. It was hard then. Now, as an adult, I like that I can say no to things, that I have only a few people who I feel can demand time from me. Being solitary is more relaxing than taxing.
Like most people I am on social media and I have, like most people, opened my world to a whole host of people. Some that I am not comfortable with having access to me anymore. Some, I have let go of and blocked... and have yet to look back with regret on those people.
I don't know why, but I don't want just random people up in my stuff. So, I might just clear the decks. I don't know.
Right now, that's people.
I know I am an introvert. I like that about me for the most part. I didn't like it when I was young, lonely, confused as to why I was lacking in the 'boy' department... I was confused why, when people seemed to like me, I was not dating and why I had so few friends. It was hard then. Now, as an adult, I like that I can say no to things, that I have only a few people who I feel can demand time from me. Being solitary is more relaxing than taxing.
Like most people I am on social media and I have, like most people, opened my world to a whole host of people. Some that I am not comfortable with having access to me anymore. Some, I have let go of and blocked... and have yet to look back with regret on those people.
I don't know why, but I don't want just random people up in my stuff. So, I might just clear the decks. I don't know.
Monday, October 3, 2016
When God Shows Up
...or the terror of trust
I don't trust God.
Well, in theory, I trust God. I want to trust God, but I am so afraid. No one in my life has been always there, no one in my life has been worthy of trust and so I am convinced that God is just like every other person.
So, I don't trust God. Even though I want to trust God and even though I am so afraid, I am going to take a chance and just trust him. I'm pretty sure that's faith.
I'm reminded that in Mark 9, Jesus interacted with a father who had a demon possessed son:
Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. I am SO there. Ok, maybe I don't have a demon possessed son, but I have aches for things in my life that require my faith in God.
There are a few circumstances where I am so very aware of my inability to do anything to influence the situation. So I'm going to have to trust God has a plan to deal with those things. I am going to have to trust that his way is the best way for me, I am going to have to trust him. I am going have to trust.
Sigh. Trust.
I don't trust God.
Well, in theory, I trust God. I want to trust God, but I am so afraid. No one in my life has been always there, no one in my life has been worthy of trust and so I am convinced that God is just like every other person.
So, I don't trust God. Even though I want to trust God and even though I am so afraid, I am going to take a chance and just trust him. I'm pretty sure that's faith.
I'm reminded that in Mark 9, Jesus interacted with a father who had a demon possessed son:
Mark 9:23-25New King James Version (NKJV)
23 Jesus said to him, “If you can believe,[a] all things are possible to him who believes.”
24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
25 When Jesus saw that the people came running together, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it: “Deaf and dumb spirit, I command you, come out of him and enter him no more!”
Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. I am SO there. Ok, maybe I don't have a demon possessed son, but I have aches for things in my life that require my faith in God.
There are a few circumstances where I am so very aware of my inability to do anything to influence the situation. So I'm going to have to trust God has a plan to deal with those things. I am going to have to trust that his way is the best way for me, I am going to have to trust him. I am going have to trust.
Sigh. Trust.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Thirty Days of Writing - Starting Today
I am not lost, I am not stuck, but I am here. So, here I am writing about today and just thoughts... for thirty days just to get used to writing again for thirty days. I need the discipline.
This morning, getting ready I put on a dress that makes me feel absolutely beautiful. My long hair flowed down my back and I felt simply lovely. It's not often that I feel lovely, the practicalities of life uniform me in jeans and tees, often covered in flour or some sort of baking material, but today I felt like a beautiful woman. I couldn't escape the thought that someday, maybe someday a man would see me. Not just see me on the outside, but see the whole me and find me to be just the right fit.
Then, off to church. Worship and singing were like breathing in God's presence. I love that being. Not always is worship easy and flowing. Often times I feel like I am fighting to get through, but today it was breathing. That loveliness was followed by communion, which makes my heart also sing. Remembering and reminding myself of the beauty of salvation through the cruelest death by a God made man for each of us. Staggering.
The missionaries, a young couple setting out to reach the Japanese children, had amazing spirits. Every time we have a missionary, I weep. I wonder if I am being pulled and called into that ministry again. More questions than answers, and they lingered most of the afternoon.
Until I hear more, I will keep my hands doing what I know I should be doing. I am content in this space for the most part.
I guess I am back to that thought from last year... two years ago? Anything. Lord, whatever you want from me, I'll give you anything, and my everything.
This morning, getting ready I put on a dress that makes me feel absolutely beautiful. My long hair flowed down my back and I felt simply lovely. It's not often that I feel lovely, the practicalities of life uniform me in jeans and tees, often covered in flour or some sort of baking material, but today I felt like a beautiful woman. I couldn't escape the thought that someday, maybe someday a man would see me. Not just see me on the outside, but see the whole me and find me to be just the right fit.
Then, off to church. Worship and singing were like breathing in God's presence. I love that being. Not always is worship easy and flowing. Often times I feel like I am fighting to get through, but today it was breathing. That loveliness was followed by communion, which makes my heart also sing. Remembering and reminding myself of the beauty of salvation through the cruelest death by a God made man for each of us. Staggering.
The missionaries, a young couple setting out to reach the Japanese children, had amazing spirits. Every time we have a missionary, I weep. I wonder if I am being pulled and called into that ministry again. More questions than answers, and they lingered most of the afternoon.
Until I hear more, I will keep my hands doing what I know I should be doing. I am content in this space for the most part.
I guess I am back to that thought from last year... two years ago? Anything. Lord, whatever you want from me, I'll give you anything, and my everything.
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