I am not lost, I am not stuck, but I am here. So, here I am writing about today and just thoughts... for thirty days just to get used to writing again for thirty days. I need the discipline.
This morning, getting ready I put on a dress that makes me feel absolutely beautiful. My long hair flowed down my back and I felt simply lovely. It's not often that I feel lovely, the practicalities of life uniform me in jeans and tees, often covered in flour or some sort of baking material, but today I felt like a beautiful woman. I couldn't escape the thought that someday, maybe someday a man would see me. Not just see me on the outside, but see the whole me and find me to be just the right fit.
Then, off to church. Worship and singing were like breathing in God's presence. I love that being. Not always is worship easy and flowing. Often times I feel like I am fighting to get through, but today it was breathing. That loveliness was followed by communion, which makes my heart also sing. Remembering and reminding myself of the beauty of salvation through the cruelest death by a God made man for each of us. Staggering.
The missionaries, a young couple setting out to reach the Japanese children, had amazing spirits. Every time we have a missionary, I weep. I wonder if I am being pulled and called into that ministry again. More questions than answers, and they lingered most of the afternoon.
Until I hear more, I will keep my hands doing what I know I should be doing. I am content in this space for the most part.
I guess I am back to that thought from last year... two years ago? Anything. Lord, whatever you want from me, I'll give you anything, and my everything.
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