The Miracle of a Virtual Orange

Life is hard.

I know that's not at all a profound statement, except that it is.  It's just under a month until two years past David's death.  They have not been an easy two years, but they haven't been impossible to go through... well, looking backward I can say that, but there were days in the depths of my despair that I could not see the light.  There were days I never thought I would know happiness, let alone finding it with another person again.  There were days I was pretty sure that the only person in the world who could love me was gone forever - and (remember I am at the depth of despair here) that he chose to leave me.  There were a lot of those days.  I'll admit that there were a lot more of those days than there were days of any kind of hope.

A few weeks ago now, there was something that happened which made me think that I might not be alone in the world forever.  I shared a virtual orange.  

Somehow, out of nowhere there is hope, somehow I see a future.  There is a man who has been wooing me in the way that I have been praying that God would bring about - through Bible study and prayer (see my October 10 - Hope Into Faith post).  He is consistent, deep, peaceful, soulful, funny, irritating, and tender... and all of it is wrapped up in this man who is seeking God in a way that is challenging and familiar.    

I am sure that I'll talk a lot about this relationship and it's significance to me in the future.  Already this friendship with my Nuke has changed my view, my heart, my life.  Like every good thing, it's not going to be simple - though it's been surprisingly easy.  

Trusting God for these things, the small things and the huge things, seem so often like a mountain we have to climb.  And in the moment, they are mountains.  Maybe better though, it's like Joan says - where we think that the challenge of trusting God is that we just have to jump off of an impossibly high cliff knowing that he will catch us in our faith - and then when we jump to discover that the ledge is really only six inches off the ground, that the act of stepping out in faith is the challenge and the reward is that we discover trusting isn't as impossible as we think.

Each day, when my Nuke and I are doing our Bible study/devotions and praying I am so aware of the gift of this relationship.  This morning in our general conversation, where my Nuke asked me if I was ready to have a wonderful day, I answered with an enthusiastic, "Yes"; then I asked him to define what a wonderful day was; he said, "A wonderful day is a day that was full, and entirely awesome. Not perfect, but nothing to change about it.".  To which I responded that each day was wonderful then, even the difficult things that happen bring us to a new place of redemption or understanding of myself and/or others.  I expressed that even the days and weeks of tears and grief have brought me to here, this place where I am currently blessed.  

When David was so newly gone, and I was newly widowed, I questioned "WHY, GOD!?!?!?!" so often, as we do in those situations that make no sense to us.  I'm not saying that the horrible things in our life happen because God wants them to, but it seems that God works all things together for good of those who love him.  I am pretty sure I've read that in some book, somewhere (see Romans 8 for a decent reference).  

I couldn't fathom that I'd be where I am today 22 months ago.  I couldn't imagine it even four months ago.  I am fairly sure that I can't imagine what my life is going to be like in a year, or two, from this vantage point.  I just know that whatever happens here, it will come about because my Nuke and I have put this relationship in God's hands and continue to submit it to him together and separately.  As it is now - we are going forward slowly, building the friendship and the foundation in our separate and joined relationship in Jesus, I feel confident in God's direction and directing both of us.  

And I am forever grateful for the miracle a virtual orange.



(Also?  In the event anyone wonders?  My Nuke is aware of and approves of me writing this and has/will preview any post that includes him.)