I've not been great about getting out and getting more photos. My work life picked up again, as has my social life and getting out on the bright days for photos just hasn't happened. I miss it. I miss being outside and snapping away. It'll happen soon again I am sure.
I've been very honest in this venue of this blog, and that will continue with today's post. I am all stirred up. Things are confusing right now. *I* am confusing to myself right now and I don't care for it. Since I was a young person, it has been my goal to be my most authentic self. And right now, I'm off-kilter. There are a few external influences on me and I feel like I am in a place of pretty significant change again. Change that I have brought about for myself. Wow, I don't think I realized that until I wrote it. I am choosing this, and it's my doing.
I guess, grief is waxing again because I am feeling myself. I've allowed myself to be comfortable being insecure for far too much of my life and my husband was a rather stabilizing factor on my person. He had a distinct quality of gravitas, weighting me, connecting me to life that is bigger than me. I miss that influence. I crave it.
And here I am again. I read today a blog post of a woman describing her relationship with her husband... and I started in with the tears. Theirs is a similar love to the one that I had with David. That regular, every day kind of breathing love. The kind of love that is so natural to be like breathing. It's a crave-able thing.
He's visiting now, in the moments before I wake. Those dreams that come unbidden, encouraging me reaching out, finding a hand for me to hold. He wants me to find love again, and I am... well, I'm not lost, I'm just moving slowly - more slowly than he'd like. He tries to show me and I try to explain and then my eyes open to another day of work and life.
It's taken me a long time to get to this place, and I'm still in love with my husband. I know he thought he was giving me a better life by going away, and in ways he has - but I miss someone to share this with. I miss sharing it with him. I miss his holding me at the end of the day and letting me relax against him and his telling me that it'll all be alright (which he'd add "until it isn't", he was ever the pragmatist). He'd make me laugh. He was so bright and so funny. So few people were able to see his silliness, most wanting his sharp and strategic mind, but he was blessedly silly. I am terribly serious, but he made me laugh at myself. He understood me and how to get me to unwind.
I don't expect that I will find anyone who will love me like he did, but maybe I can find someone to love as much as I love, as I loved him.
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