What comes around... comes around

I wish that grief were linear. 

I wish that once you passed a point that there was no further you needed to linger there, that there was no revisiting. It doesn't work that way because we have memories and every step is compared to another - we are an associative creation. Every experience we have harkens to one we've had - even something completely new is processed through our past. There is nothing new under the sun.

I've been doing rather well, built up a business (again), established a home, made new friends, established new friends, made a lot of changes, stayed the same.

Then it hits.  The soul crushing ache of the loss of someone so important - your person, my person.  Again, again, again, again just gone. I don't know if the heart is layered like an onion or like a leaky roof that needs mending or what the analogy is, but it's clear that the process is messy and slow and it sucks entirely.  I know that all life ends this way, we all have to deal with it.

But each time it crushed down on you, somehow it's less horrible.  Do we get immune?  I don't think so, this isn't my first loss - just a different one.  Maybe we get immune to the pain of each individual loss and as you go through it our hearts get a little calloused.  I thought that this one might be easier because I knew a bit of the process, but the relationship was different and you grieve differently.

I find that for the most part, I am open to what the next chapter of life is for me.  I've said it before, there are still adventures of the heart out there for me.  Today marks nine months since my husband's death.  I have survived nine months. More than that, I've thrived and built a whole life for myself with a ton of help from so very many - thank you! 

I'm not one to tempt God/the Universe, but I've got this:

Come at me, Bro! Let's go for the fantastic, the awesome, the abundant, and the blessed.

To My Bear: My life will always be more because you were in it. 

I am more because you were in my life.

I gave you the best I had to give and you did the same in return, and I will always love you for that.